What question did you ask of me? I recall some comment about shame, but I don’t always read all of your postings in detail so maybe I missed something.
As far as the shame issue goes, I think you were commenting that I seemed to react strongly to my W’s insinuation that I moved her purse when she had misplaced it, and tat reactivity might be evidence of shame issues? Let me say the answer is no. I had dealt with my shame issues on this board. They centered more on a shame based childhood from my mother’s narcissistic tendencies and her Japanese ancestry.
My reactivity with my W is not because of shame but because of my W’s tendency to project and my need to set a strong boundary to counteract that. The only issue on my side is to not go back to a situation where I feel I am walking on eggshells to keep the peace. She can do her part in helping to restore balance by recognizing that what she says has an impact on people and she has a responsibility to watch her words.
Before, her MO was to speak whatever was on her mind and put the responsibility on the other person to handle it “appropriately.” There was no consideration of her responsibility to be appropriate with what she said in the first place. So my conscious, purposeful reactivity toward her purse statement is to lay down a hard boundary that I intend to defend strongly. There is a difference between boundaries and reactivity.
