Divorce 100% busted! - wish my brain realised it!

[Jen_Jam]

H was late home from work - 3 and a half hours late and couldn't let me know until he was already 2 hours late by which time I was in floods of tears and a blind panic that he was sat at work deciding to leave me again.

IP here comes the ear bashing .... brace yourself. I mean only kindness with this, but I feel I have to say it. Please consider these words and use them if YOU feel they apply - I am not an expert on you, only you are.

OK - this happens a lot with you. You imagine the worst, you get a negative thought in your head and you feed it and build it up into something quite horrible. You could be right, of course, but the chances are you're wrong. Why do you insist on only paying attention to the negative? Too often you've posted here "I can't" when it seems you're not trying enough. Oh IP, I'm sorry I don't want to come down on you, I really don't (you beat yourself up enough) and I would suggest some kind of individual C to help you get rid of this focus on the negative. Just because a negative thought enters your head doesn't mean you need to pay it any attention. It's obviously bad for you, learn to acknowledge that a negative thought has come into your hear then LET IT GO (I imagine mine as birds in a cage, I open the cage and they fly out of my head).

but then H said he wished I didn't look so down and we talked about yesterday

OK, R talks aren't always initiated by the LBS. Try this - if it seems like you are headed that way, stop. For example, H says you look down. You say "I'm fine" (OK, you lie but bear with me) then he asks if you're sure and you say "look, I'm OK, if it's OK with you I'd rather we just sat and watched the TV/had a nice evening, thanks for your concern but I don't want to talk about it". If he gets angry .... well you have stated your boundary, you then state again you dont' want to talk and leave the room. Maybe then YOU go to bed early!!! Now how about that for a 180?

I'm sorry to hear that you asking for time didn't work ... maybe he was just too heated and once he calms down he'll be OK. Time is a great pacifier.

I said I didn't want to live like this the rest of my life either and was not going to be threatened with him leaving me every time things aren't A OK.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! Perfect!!!!! I love that you said this, give him something to think about. He cannot hold "you must change and if you don't I will leave" over your head because one day you might just say "well go then".

It's early days for both of you. Give yourself time, in fact I would read about "Do Nothing" in the DR book and "Act as If". It seems you're the one making all the effort here and maybe H feels his efforts won't be "enough". Maybe if you create a vacuum he can step into he MIGHT just take up the mantle (but don't have expectations that he will and give it time).

Hang on in there IP....I would love to meet up with you one day if that's possible, IMO you're one amazing lady!!!