That was a really nice discussion about boundaries!
MrsCAC,
Since you have been lurking for a good while, you may already know this, but I’ll review anyway. There are two schools of thought on relationship recovery. The conventional is based on “other” validation, such as IMAGO. The idea is to support one another, to acknowledge and validate your partner. Harely’s approach is based on this and I think it has a lot of merit. DB and Dr. Laura are also other validation approaches. Some of the advice given here is based on this idea.
Schnarch uses a self validation approach. Differentiation requires that each person validate themselves because depending on someone else is not reliable and can cause breakdowns in time of stress, just when validation is needed most. Boundaries, as Corri discussed, seem to be based on self validation, IMO.
Perhaps what Fearless calls relationships needs is another name for other validation and self needs is self validation.
CAC4,
Cobra: your FOO analysis may be correct, but I don't agree w/ any of your conclusions. I don't blame anyone for my career loss...it was nobody's fault, least of all, mine. I did everything right. I may be angry at "fate", but that's it.
How can you be angry at fate? That’s like saying you are angry because the odds did not work out in your favor. Chance was not on your side. What is there to be so angry about, and to hold that anger for so long? Your explanation does not make sense. It seems like an excuse, a deflection.
If anything, my parents treatment of me made me more independant...and I don't think anyone that knows me would describe me as "non-assertive".
This is a common response. I’ve heard parents say their kids don’t need all the mushy, emotional stuff, its better to dispense with the overprotective parenting and raise the kids to be “more independent.” Did anyone ever ask the kids if that is what they want? Would the kids even know? How can a kid who is conditioned to “not want to want” know that they do not want emotional support and security from the parents?
Your response is particularly troubling because it means you have come to BELIEVE the little lies your parents have perpetuated on you. You believe their view of the world is the correct one, you believe that you do not deserve to feel your own wants, that if you do, those wants will not be met. That is a narcissistic family setting.
I am sure you not non-assertive. You had to assert yourself to meet your needs because everyone else was busy meeting their own. No one bothered to meet any one else’s needs. If you are focused on only meeting your own needs, when and how would you ever learn to empathize with others? If you can’t empathize, how would you know if you ever hurt someone’s feelings? And if you don’t know that, how will you ever learn your own feelings?
Yet life is scary and chaos is all around you. After all, your parents want you to be “more independent.” The best way to protect your self and survive is to control your environment the best way you can. For some that might mean acting out, turning to drugs, or becoming very analytical, cool and controlled. That’s how Mr. Spock is made.
You’ve got some major FOO based issues, major denial and major repressed resentment toward your parents. I know. I used to be Mr. Spock too.
