Divorce 100% busted! - wish my brain realised it!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear InP,

Hold on and get a grip. Breathe deeply. Get "centered" with God and just chill out for a minute or two.

Now, Please do two things. First, read up on "piecing" b/c that is what is happening. You may well have a busted divorce but that does NOT mean that all will be smooth sailing, or that a "relapse" can't happen. Second, see a pro=M therapist or set up a time with a DB coach. It's worth it. You are new to this phase and all the yo-yoing and the problem of the WAS Not handling the LBSer handling things can be an unpleasant surprise.

Many MLC/WASs think that once they're home, all should be well. Some of them figure out a few "dates" and gifts to the LBSer should heal all the wounds they inflicted, MOST of which they may never know the full effects of.....But in reality, it is WE the LBSers who have our own little MLCs when they return home. All this time you've worked to get the M back and to be the best woman you can be. Then, when he is back and it is Supposed to be safe, your repressed anger and hurt will rise up. Your predictable feelings of "am I crazy?" & "wth just Happened in my life/marriage?" questions pop up a lot. VC and BrandNewDay and I have discussed this a lot. It's like 5 steps forward, all is Sweet, and then 4 steps back. You will wonder and second guess many things.

But there are some things you can do to keep past memories or fears from popping up and ruining the "Now" moments you are trying to build upon. So, put the stop sign up when you start to feel the resentment, rage, fear, pain, etc. from creeping in when you should be feeling close. Avoid triggering events if you can predict them. Like don't watch divorcing/cheating movies with H, obviously.

As for OW questions and fears----

Well what can you really control in all this? If he did or is or wants to.....NOT in your control. What do you KNOW? You know that regardless of what the answers are to any of those questions your H has chosen NOT to go away with OW and instead is working on the M. Deal with THAT and drop the rest on that issue.

I know you are thinking "but what if there was an OW and what if it IS that woman AND what if they keep working closely, etc???" I'd wonder the same thing. But Realistically it's doubtful that an affair is going on NOW, isn't it? I mean, given what your H is saying and doing...IF there WAS an affair, and if it was with HER, then your H is trying to keep it in the past as an "ended" problem. Also, no matter what, you can always worry about OWs. If you want to, which you don't.

In short, are you thinking about snooping? IF so, are you more interested in the Past or the present? I assume the latter. Because IF your H had an affair with ANY OW, and it is now OVER and he is at home working on the M, do you REALLY want to know and if so, why? I've given this a LOT of thought.

((IF my H had an A and it's over, no thanks. I don't need to know. The only exception would be if she is a nut willing to stalk and kill me or hurt my family)). Focus on exactly what it is you want to know, and what time frame there is for your forgiveness to fully happen. Since I don't know your whole sitch, I cannot say if you have reason to worry and fret. But if you do have reason to fear an A, if it is a reasonable fear, then your H should be VERY considerate of your fears for they are well founded. He needs to be reassuring to YOU and you need to reassure him that forgiveness/moving forward IS happening within you....and will continue to move as long as his love for you is shown. At a gut level, most of us wives just want to know we are really and deeply loved by our H's. Most of MY M problems are imho, caused by my fears and hurt, and H's impatience with those.

I think the success of piecing together is going to depend on two things. First, you both have to identify what you each contributed to in the meltdown and agree to really work on that behavior. Second, you have to forgive each other. That takes as long as, if not more than, the first task. Forgiveness is a process that can follow a decision. But it's not an overnight thing and the WAS/MLC has to "get" that if they were gone a year, and not some wacked out weekend, then it'll take some real TIME to be okay again. My DB coach said that the LBSer "deserves" some demonstration of genuine remorse and effort to change on the part of the WASer. It's a balancing act b/c the WAS has to feel that they won't have this over their heads all their lives. They seem to feel that if we say we are forgiving them, then that is our responsibility and sometimes they don't see their own role in it.

Can you give yourself a timeline and share it with H? Like, he'll give you emotional support for the next 6 months while you process it all and then, you shut the heck up and never bring it up again....??? Just a thought.

Also, do you feel that your H "gets" it? I read somewhere that taking them back too soon or without any conditions, can end up backfiring. They leave again and then there is no turning back (in their minds)....whereas if they had just taken more time in the first attempted reconciliation, it might have been different.

Like I said, check out the postings on Pieces and also, VC and BrandNewDay and I have all had various talks about this. You do need to feel you have choice, however limited and fear based, it IS a choice to take him back and give it all a shot. For me, one thing I DO know that helps, is knowing that if my H does anything REMOTELY like this crap again, I will walk away without looking back. So, in that sense, I really sort of feel safer. Make sense? take care and try to vent and doubt HERE and not in front of your H. You STILL have to DB, you know? I think it's a life long decision. How's the GAL going? Don't YOU backslide either!
j-