That's just it--how do I set a boundary about this? What would you do? I have very little practice with boundaries and lots of practice convincing myself I don't deserve anything, therefore not setting them. I do want to solve the problem, else I wouldn't have come on here in the first place. And it's not that I want to be "right." I don't think that's my issue. I just don't want to feel like I'm "wrong" all the time. Anyone who can give me advice on setting boundaries, please do.
I don't believe there is any right or wrong, just effective and not-so-effective. You have two issues here, that I see.
1) How to back up your files
2) The manner in which Cac was treating you.
The first issue got muddled with your 'feelings,' because he was speaking to you in a certain way, you were 'feeling' unsure of yourself on how to do what you needed to do with your files... he handled the situation in what you considered a hurtful way...
Seperate the issue from your feelings. Issue. How am i going to back up MY files? Do it YOUR way. However that way may be.
Let the feelings associated with the issue settle. Feel them. Write them down. Put it aside. Give it a day or two. When you are calm, look at what you have written. If you are filled with a bunch of negative emotions... look at the cause.
The 'cause,' was how CAC was speaking to you, and how this sensitive area of you was reacting to it. Now we are onto issue two.
Setting a boundary.
Mrs. Cac: "H, I appreciate your thoughts and opinions on this subject. I am willing to talk through this with you, but I will not be belittled and disrespected in the proces."
If he chooses to continue in that vein, you leave the room. You end the conversation. You continue about your business of solving your problem (which you are entirely capable of doing on your own, whether he thinks its the best way to do it or not). You learn to self-soothe your hurt feelings. Hopefully Cac can be empathetic to your feelings. "I'm sorry you are feeling x, y, z. How about a hug?" If not, you continue about your business.
You cannot change Cac. You can only set boundaries.
To say to him, "I'm doing all of this for you, the least you can do for me is x, y, z!!" is manipulative. That is a bartering arrangement. Fix your sex life for yourself, if you want, because you have decided you are a good person with empathetic understanding, this is what YOU want... not because you need something from him in return.
If Cac can't or won't get to that place, and this is a non-negotiable boundary for you... then you will be in the position of defending that boundary. You have to determine when the boundary is violated, and you also have to determine what you are going to DO about it when it is... no one can decide that for you... and that is why boundaries are so gd, mfing HARD.
You don't feel loved because you don't feel respected. But in order to BE respected by another, you must first respect yourself. And you have plenty of reasons to do that, whether CAC approves or not. You are a bright, intelligent woman. You have the means and the wherewithall to live your life as you see fit because of WHO YOU ARE (and you have to decide who that is, btw).
So when I say to you... Cac gets to act and respond any way he wants, I mean it. But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. THIS is where a boundary comes into play. It is not about 'controlling' another. It is about your own integrity, and what you will and will not tolerate.
I think the reason boundaries are so tough is because they are so flippin' simple. Seriously. Go read my post on HD's thread about my intereaction with my bf. It was a good deal like what you just went through, and I was HURT, and DRAMATIC, and there were TEARS involved... and a friend of mine did exactly what I am doing to you...
Yes, Mrs. Cac, believe me, I swear, I have been in your shoes, you have a RIGHT to feel exactly as you do. I understand it even. Don't blame you one iota. But those feelings are YOURS, and they are not helping to solve or address the underlying issues. "But I am FEELING THIS!!!" Of course you are. You aren't crazy. You get to feel them and throw tantrums if you want. Cry, stamp your foot. But that doesn't solve your problem. See?
There are few things on this planet that I can think of that have to be solved RIGHT NOW. You may want to feel better RIGHT NOW... but problems, by and large, will sit there and wait for you.
With the sex thing, the issue is this: lack of sex is causing your H pain (for more reasons than just getting off). You 'get it,' even if you don't really understand it. Fine. You are stepping up to the plate because you can see your part in it. GOOD FOR YOU. Really. That is very good. You are on your way to understanding boundaries. You want to save your marriage. That is non-negotiable to you. Now you are exploring YOURSELF in order to do that FOR YOU.
Cac can be very belittling to you. Draw a boundary. Just because you 'draw' the boundary doesn't mean he is going to 'get it,' over night. He has unconscious habits to overcome, just like you do. The way you help him with that is to be crystal clear on the boundary, and nail him on it every single time it gets violated. Doesn't mean you have to be mean about it. It just means you stay consistent with it. He either will or won't get it. YOU get to decide the time frame (doesn't that suck?)
See where I am going with this?
Corri
P.S. And if I'm going to make a guess, I'd say you are feeling pretty frustrated right now... I KNOW the feeling.
