Thank you for your thoughts on the insecurity. It makes sense it will take a long time I suppose - I just hate feeling like it. I feel sick.
Unfortunately today I feel like I'm back to square one with it all. Yesterday when H came home from work I had to run a quick errand in the car. I was only gone twenty minutes and left S at home with H. I returned to find the W from work who I thought he might be having an A with because he was texting her so much stood in my kitchen. I handled it extremely well at the time I think by just saying H I hadn't got the message he'd sent me to get wine until I was nearly home and then he introduced us to each other (like I already met her when we were separated - duh) and I put on my biggest friendliest smiley face even though I was hurt and confused and seething and said hello. She mumbled a hello and gave me a filthy look and then left. H's explanation is that she rang about something to do with work and he said "I'm at home why don't you pop in". I have so many problems with this. He thinks it prooves nothing was ever going on and thought I was OK with it all now and says in hindsight it was a stupid thing to do and was mortified about how upset I was. I'm thinking did he lie all along, why would she come to our house if she can't even bare to look at me or be civil? Why was she like that with me. Why would H invite her. Would he have invited her if I was there? Is there something going on? H says he can't remember if he told her I was there or not and that he thinks he would have still said to pop round if I had been there. I don't know why I feel like this when I believe him that nothing happened. I feel crushed and hurt but also feel as though I'm in the wrong because any other colleague of his and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. H thinks we made it up last night and it is all OK but I hardly slept thinking of more and more reasons why his story didn't add up and have felt upset all day.....just when things were starting to be fantastic. I;m not sure how long I can carry on fixing this M feeling so insecure and not knowing for sure if he is telling the truth.
Hey, girl, maybe the she-devil just won't let go of him so easily. Maybe she senses that he is not interested in her that way, and is calling him, trying to sway him her way. Personally, I think you handled it well, I mean if I came home and ow was standing in my house, I would not have been quite so smiley as you!! Any other colleague wouldn't be interested in your H for the same reasons. I think if you wait, your H will come to you and talk about it. Maybe he isn't thinking about it being bad the way you are, because he isn't interested in her. And maybe that's another reason the she-devil gave you a dirty look. Don't let stoopid old witches like her get you off track, they are a dime a dozen, and girls like you are worth their weight in gold.
Chin up, girl, and try to have a sweet smile on for him when he comes home. Oh, that and a sweet nightie!
I'm sure H didn't realise the significance - it's good in a way, to him she's nothing. NOTHING!!!!! But this is what I meant when I said you'd need to be patient with yourself. This is going to take you a while to get over, took me a few months (well, 6 of them).
And I second everything verycrazy has said too, you are worth your weight in gold!!!
And check out SDFound girl too - her H was writing letters to another woman, SD has found it hard to be around this letter woman, especially as she (letter woman) was giving SD filthy looks too. But she overcame it and SO WILL YOU!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
H was late home from work - 3 and a half hours late and couldn't let me know until he was already 2 hours late by which time I was in floods of tears and a blind panic that he was sat at work deciding to leave me again.
When he did get home he was sweeter than sweet and said the nicest things like how he'd been thinking about me looking up at him and smiling all day long. And there's me thinking all I've thought about all day is her stood in my kitchen and not knowing what to believe anymore.
He said such lovely sweet things I had to do my best and not ruin it so tried really hard to put all the upset thoughts and feelings out of my head. We went out for tea and watched TV and it was all fine but then H said he wished I didn't look so down and we talked about yesterday and H got really angry and has basically said he can't take it being like this for the rest of his life. I said noone has said it will be for the rest of your life and like Jen Jam suggested I tried to say how I just needed some time to get over the major life trauma we had been through and could he help me with it and he basically said no. He said he's sick of me crying to do with her when nothing happened and he feels like it will never go out of my head and he doesn't understand why and he's not having it so I'd better sort it out quick or he's off. I said all I was asking for is a little time like he needed to sort his head out about intimacy things. It has culminated in him going to sleep because he's exhausted without us sorting it out or making up. This is just like the old days. Going to bed on an argument. I said I didn't want to live like this the rest of my life either and was not going to be threatened with him leaving me every time things aren't A OK.
My Mum apparently came round while she was here yesterday so I know exactly what she will be thinking about it. My Mum came round today and said nothing about it - I think she was waiting to see if I mentioned it or she's probably wondering how she can break it to me that a W was in my house while I was out.
This is so awful. I'm sat up typing and feeling devastated because I can't just believe him when he says nothing ever ever happened. I want to believe him its just like I'm scared to or something.
Wow!!! OK I'm still upset about tonight with H but WOW!!! I've just been checking out other forums and I've made it into the recent inspirational stories one!!!!
That feels so amazing. I can remember when I first came to this site in floods of tears and read the posts on there to try to give myself some hope and focus and to believe that it really can happen and now I'm on there. I think I am going to wake H up and kiss him and tell him I'm sorry for how tonight turned out.
Listen to Jen when she tells you to be patient with yourself. It took me a loooooooooong time to really trust that my H wasn't going to change his mind and leave me. I now trust H, but I am *still* dealing with my feelings about the letter woman Jen mentioned, above. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever completely get over my feelings about her. I sort of have fantasies about all her over-permed, over-bleached hair falling out....ooooo....gives me goosebumps even now, 6 months after H really recommitted to our M.
Be gentle with yourself, and if you're not in MC, go. You need to be able to work through your feelings honestly with your H. Truly, it was being able to be completely honest in MC about this witch and my H moving from wanting us to all be friends to saying being friends with her was NOT worth the price of his marriage that has helped me trust him again.
Be kind to yourself. Your feelings are natural....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Hold on and get a grip. Breathe deeply. Get "centered" with God and just chill out for a minute or two.
Now, Please do two things. First, read up on "piecing" b/c that is what is happening. You may well have a busted divorce but that does NOT mean that all will be smooth sailing, or that a "relapse" can't happen. Second, see a pro=M therapist or set up a time with a DB coach. It's worth it. You are new to this phase and all the yo-yoing and the problem of the WAS Not handling the LBSer handling things can be an unpleasant surprise.
Many MLC/WASs think that once they're home, all should be well. Some of them figure out a few "dates" and gifts to the LBSer should heal all the wounds they inflicted, MOST of which they may never know the full effects of.....But in reality, it is WE the LBSers who have our own little MLCs when they return home. All this time you've worked to get the M back and to be the best woman you can be. Then, when he is back and it is Supposed to be safe, your repressed anger and hurt will rise up. Your predictable feelings of "am I crazy?" & "wth just Happened in my life/marriage?" questions pop up a lot. VC and BrandNewDay and I have discussed this a lot. It's like 5 steps forward, all is Sweet, and then 4 steps back. You will wonder and second guess many things.
But there are some things you can do to keep past memories or fears from popping up and ruining the "Now" moments you are trying to build upon. So, put the stop sign up when you start to feel the resentment, rage, fear, pain, etc. from creeping in when you should be feeling close. Avoid triggering events if you can predict them. Like don't watch divorcing/cheating movies with H, obviously.
As for OW questions and fears----
Well what can you really control in all this? If he did or is or wants to.....NOT in your control. What do you KNOW? You know that regardless of what the answers are to any of those questions your H has chosen NOT to go away with OW and instead is working on the M. Deal with THAT and drop the rest on that issue.
I know you are thinking "but what if there was an OW and what if it IS that woman AND what if they keep working closely, etc???" I'd wonder the same thing. But Realistically it's doubtful that an affair is going on NOW, isn't it? I mean, given what your H is saying and doing...IF there WAS an affair, and if it was with HER, then your H is trying to keep it in the past as an "ended" problem. Also, no matter what, you can always worry about OWs. If you want to, which you don't.
In short, are you thinking about snooping? IF so, are you more interested in the Past or the present? I assume the latter. Because IF your H had an affair with ANY OW, and it is now OVER and he is at home working on the M, do you REALLY want to know and if so, why? I've given this a LOT of thought.
((IF my H had an A and it's over, no thanks. I don't need to know. The only exception would be if she is a nut willing to stalk and kill me or hurt my family)). Focus on exactly what it is you want to know, and what time frame there is for your forgiveness to fully happen. Since I don't know your whole sitch, I cannot say if you have reason to worry and fret. But if you do have reason to fear an A, if it is a reasonable fear, then your H should be VERY considerate of your fears for they are well founded. He needs to be reassuring to YOU and you need to reassure him that forgiveness/moving forward IS happening within you....and will continue to move as long as his love for you is shown. At a gut level, most of us wives just want to know we are really and deeply loved by our H's. Most of MY M problems are imho, caused by my fears and hurt, and H's impatience with those.
I think the success of piecing together is going to depend on two things. First, you both have to identify what you each contributed to in the meltdown and agree to really work on that behavior. Second, you have to forgive each other. That takes as long as, if not more than, the first task. Forgiveness is a process that can follow a decision. But it's not an overnight thing and the WAS/MLC has to "get" that if they were gone a year, and not some wacked out weekend, then it'll take some real TIME to be okay again. My DB coach said that the LBSer "deserves" some demonstration of genuine remorse and effort to change on the part of the WASer. It's a balancing act b/c the WAS has to feel that they won't have this over their heads all their lives. They seem to feel that if we say we are forgiving them, then that is our responsibility and sometimes they don't see their own role in it.
Can you give yourself a timeline and share it with H? Like, he'll give you emotional support for the next 6 months while you process it all and then, you shut the heck up and never bring it up again....??? Just a thought.
Also, do you feel that your H "gets" it? I read somewhere that taking them back too soon or without any conditions, can end up backfiring. They leave again and then there is no turning back (in their minds)....whereas if they had just taken more time in the first attempted reconciliation, it might have been different.
Like I said, check out the postings on Pieces and also, VC and BrandNewDay and I have all had various talks about this. You do need to feel you have choice, however limited and fear based, it IS a choice to take him back and give it all a shot. For me, one thing I DO know that helps, is knowing that if my H does anything REMOTELY like this crap again, I will walk away without looking back. So, in that sense, I really sort of feel safer. Make sense? take care and try to vent and doubt HERE and not in front of your H. You STILL have to DB, you know? I think it's a life long decision. How's the GAL going? Don't YOU backslide either! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H was late home from work - 3 and a half hours late and couldn't let me know until he was already 2 hours late by which time I was in floods of tears and a blind panic that he was sat at work deciding to leave me again.
IP here comes the ear bashing .... brace yourself. I mean only kindness with this, but I feel I have to say it. Please consider these words and use them if YOU feel they apply - I am not an expert on you, only you are.
OK - this happens a lot with you. You imagine the worst, you get a negative thought in your head and you feed it and build it up into something quite horrible. You could be right, of course, but the chances are you're wrong. Why do you insist on only paying attention to the negative? Too often you've posted here "I can't" when it seems you're not trying enough. Oh IP, I'm sorry I don't want to come down on you, I really don't (you beat yourself up enough) and I would suggest some kind of individual C to help you get rid of this focus on the negative. Just because a negative thought enters your head doesn't mean you need to pay it any attention. It's obviously bad for you, learn to acknowledge that a negative thought has come into your hear then LET IT GO (I imagine mine as birds in a cage, I open the cage and they fly out of my head).
Originally Posted By: inpain
but then H said he wished I didn't look so down and we talked about yesterday
OK, R talks aren't always initiated by the LBS. Try this - if it seems like you are headed that way, stop. For example, H says you look down. You say "I'm fine" (OK, you lie but bear with me) then he asks if you're sure and you say "look, I'm OK, if it's OK with you I'd rather we just sat and watched the TV/had a nice evening, thanks for your concern but I don't want to talk about it". If he gets angry .... well you have stated your boundary, you then state again you dont' want to talk and leave the room. Maybe then YOU go to bed early!!! Now how about that for a 180?
I'm sorry to hear that you asking for time didn't work ... maybe he was just too heated and once he calms down he'll be OK. Time is a great pacifier.
Originally Posted By: inpain
I said I didn't want to live like this the rest of my life either and was not going to be threatened with him leaving me every time things aren't A OK.
GOOD FOR YOU!!! Perfect!!!!! I love that you said this, give him something to think about. He cannot hold "you must change and if you don't I will leave" over your head because one day you might just say "well go then".
It's early days for both of you. Give yourself time, in fact I would read about "Do Nothing" in the DR book and "Act as If". It seems you're the one making all the effort here and maybe H feels his efforts won't be "enough". Maybe if you create a vacuum he can step into he MIGHT just take up the mantle (but don't have expectations that he will and give it time).
Hang on in there IP....I would love to meet up with you one day if that's possible, IMO you're one amazing lady!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I'd love to help you out in this stage too, but honestly, I'm not in piecing yet, so I don't have much to go on in terms of personal experience. If I get inspired though, I'll post and I'll be reading your thread even if I don't post regularly.
Love you sweetiepie. You're one amazing lady like Jen said!
rainbowlove ---------------------- ALL IS HERE AND SO MUCH MORE IS COMING!
how are you doing today? Hope all is well. Rent some comedies too. We saw Little Miss Sunshine. Had some cussing but otherwise EXCELLENT touching movie. Some very funny parts too.
((hugs)) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow!!! OK I'm still upset about tonight with H but WOW!!! I've just been checking out other forums and I've made it into the recent inspirational stories one!!!! 