One step back....all advice welcome

[fearless]

Mrs CAC4:
And I can't help but think that sex sometimes gets put on a higher pedestal than other LLs. It seems that way to me sometimes.

NOPkins:
That's because sex is the only "need" that can only be met in its entirety inside of a monogamous relationship.

You can get other needs at least partially met via other venues.

I just wrote about this very subject this afternoon on Karen's thread.

I do not feel like the LL concept has been fully understood if someone believes that the LL need can be met outside the relationship and still solidify the relationship. Remember a LL is how a spouse knows/understands/FEELS that their spouse loves them. How does getting their LL met by someone else help them to know their spouse loves them? I had plenty of people willing to spend QT with me but that never made me feel like my XH loved me.

Here's what I wrote to Karen:
Karen,

Aren't you pointing out why it is called a LL? When I asked my XH for QT because I NEEDED it, he would point to our SL (which is a close second in my LL) and his appreciation of me to show that he loved me. I appreciate and love those things but QT is how I KNOW I am loved and without it I feel adrift. He refused to acknowledge that need as legitimate (well to be fair he had other issues of his own that were emerging in unhealthy ways)

So does your H understand that although you meet his LL needs that your LL is not met? Does he understand the physical touch LL includes more than just sex?

The trick about the LL is that ALL of them are truly needed in a good relationship. I thought the GENIUS of the book and idea is that although they are all needed and appreciated there is usually ONE that is THE thing that gives someone that feeling of LOVE versus love. At least that's what I took from it. And when you can recognize AND respect each other's LL WITHOUT judgment, then the relationship can bloom.

I also thought it helped explain why a relationship feels so good initially, in addition to all the other obvious things. At the beginning of a relationship there is usually extra attention to all 5 LLs. As the relationship cools, as it must, people drift into paying attention to the 1 or 2 LL they are comfortable with which is great if a couple has the same LL but much more difficult if there LL are different.

Just my take on it.