Yes -sex and love are intimately intertwined but my R IS more sex than love starved. Frankly, I can ask for QT from H and get it when I want it. When I point out the lack of sex he offers me QT. When I point out the lack of touch - we go out to dinner and I get great conversation. H and I are easily able to be vulnerable to each other about emotions and it is quite a gift from another human being. I know he loves me but a lot of times I feel loved like a good friend. He always claims that I am a wonderful spouse and pretty much meet his LL needs - primarily acts of service and QT.

Karen,

Aren't you pointing out why it is called a LL? When I asked my XH for QT because I NEEDED it, he would point to our SL (which is a close second in my LL) and his appreciation of me to show that he loved me. I appreciate and love those things but QT is how I KNOW I am loved and without it I feel adrift. He refused to acknowledge that need as legitimate (well to be fair he had other issues of his own that were emerging in unhealthy ways)

So does your H understand that although you meet his LL needs that your LL is not met? Does he understand the physical touch LL includes more than just sex?

The trick about the LL is that ALL of them are truly needed in a good relationship. I thought the GENIUS of the book and idea is that although they are all needed and appreciated there is usually ONE that is THE thing that gives someone that feeling of LOVE versus love. At least that's what I took from it. And when you can recognize AND respect each other's LL WITHOUT judgment, then the relationship can bloom.

I also thought it helped explain why a relationship feels so good initially, in addition to all the other obvious things. At the beginning of a relationship there is usually extra attention to all 5 LLs. As the relationship cools, as it must, people drift into paying attention to the 1 or 2 LL they are comfortable with which is great if a couple has the same LL but much more difficult if there LL are different.

Just my take on it.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus