I appreciate your comments. It is actually a family joke that H doesn't communicate at home the way he does in his profession. Neither do I. The work persona and the home are very different. However, because of our professions we do communicate better than most and don't make too many of the elementary mistakes "you always", "you never" that short-circuit communication. We have issues with the negotiation part that comes next. This is where we usually fall off.
Yes -sex and love are intimately intertwined but my R IS more sex than love starved. Frankly, I can ask for QT from H and get it when I want it. When I point out the lack of sex he offers me QT. When I point out the lack of touch - we go out to dinner and I get great conversation. H and I are easily able to be vulnerable to each other about emotions and it is quite a gift from another human being. I know he loves me but a lot of times I feel loved like a good friend. He always claims that I am a wonderful spouse and pretty much meet his LL needs - primarily acts of service and QT.
There is some hang up with putting himself "out there" physically. I used to think the hang up is me, my appearance, my approach, my 1/2 of the partnership or something. Now I think it has much more to do with something in him that requires a bunch of conditions be met before having a sex life is ok and allowable. Like he has to be a certain something, has to have things in order etc...in order to be sexual.
Who the heck knows. He actually thanked me for the reply that I posted and said that he knows I am trying to help, he appreciates it and he feels conflicted on many fronts. Where to go from here? This is the point where we generally hang up and don't move past. We all understand where the other is coming from. Now what?
