Ok, so I have been visiting these forums for almost 6 months now, trying to navigate/figure out/fix my marriage. I'll have to say that these forums have been the only lifeline I have had in trying to save my marriage. I thought things were working and my marriage was getting back on track as my wife has stopped talking about leaving, etc, but something happened recently that I really need someones help with.
My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years, and have known eachother for over 9, I am 30 and she is 34. We have 2 small children 6 and 4 and a older daughter from a previous relationship of hers that is 14. She is a good mother, and I like to think i am a good father. Basically around April of last year my wife hit me with a serious relationship talk. She basically let me know how unhappy she was. Now, we had been having problems for some time basically finding ourselves moving apart and taking each other for granted. When the young children were born, I was very involved in starting a new company, and it consumed a lot of my time, while i always loved my wife and my children - I wasn't the most supportive husband at times when she most needed it.
As you can imagine this hit me hard, and I tried to apologize for taking her for granted, cried, did a lot of things that i now know were not right. She had even brought up the possibilities of maybe us needing to be seperated so she can "feel" what its like to be without me, and that maybe it would wake her up to the fact that she still loves me. She has also said things like - she doesn't want to get married again, and that if we seperated she would probably just date, as she wouldn't want the kids to have another man in their life.
I finally found DivorceBusting and started to apply some of the techniques. I really started to focus on her more, and listened. I tried hard to change some of my critical ways (I have a tendency of pointing out the bad in things before pointing out the good). I also tried to Get a Life, get back in shape (i am not out of shape, but i had let myself slip during the stress of our marriage problems), and i stopped trying to have any expectations. I also stopped trying to have the R talk as it just kept bringing up bad feelings.
Things were better, but not like they once were. It's almost like we never really fixed the core problems of our relationship. I could feel we were both making an effort, we just weren't talking about it. I could still feel her hesitance to open back up to me, but there were definately times when things were better. She would plan things for the future with me, etc. Things felt like they were getting better, we were able to go out and have a good time (i would always suggest the date). She would kiss me somemornings before work (a quick peck). We would stay up until 2am again just talking like we used to. we would have sex more frequently. She even bought really hot lingerie for valentines and suprised me with it and initiated sex. (something she hasn't done in at least a year and a half)
Recently however, we got a free night at a hotel based on some "free stay" points plan, and since her mom was going to be in town I suggested we spend the night at the hotel in town and go out and have a good time. She was not against the idea, but she wasn't 100% for it. We didn't talk about it in terms of our relationship, but I decided to push a little and she aggreed. ANyways she wore a really nice dress and looked fantastic. Dinner was great, conversation was great, and things were going well. We then went dancing a little at a club she likes, and we were having a great time, then at some point things changed. I may have had one too many drinks, and was getting a little to physical, and kissed her a few times on the dance floor. I could feel her closing up, but like i said I had probably 1 too many drinks in me to understand. We decided to leave, and check in the hotel. So back at the hotel, we took a bath together and got in bed naked together. I started touching her, and again I felt like she was pulling away. It was almost like she "felt" like being with me, but was feeling really pressured. Looking back I think the whole night was premature, and she was feeling pressured by the anticipation of a hot night together. Before long I got the picture and pulled away myself, she then opened up to me again in bed.
Now she had been drinking some, but she basically said - She is tired of making me feel bad, she is tired of pulling away from me, and that she doesn't know if she is just scared of leaving me and doing it on her own, or what is going on. She doesn't like feeling cold to me, but she is still sad. Obviously this hurt me greatly, but I wasn't completely suprised. Anyways, the next morning she apologized for what she said, and gave me a long hug. I am not sure if she is feeling worse together or we just took a big step backwards.
Anyways, I'm not sure how to take this new change. We haven't really talked about it since that night. However things are definately a little more distant. I tried to understand what she said to me as well - We are financially well off, and if she was to leave she would be more than okay as she would get half, so i'm not sure what to take of her comments about her being scared of doing it on her own. I know as well that she knows how much it would hurt the kids to have us be apart. At the same time (based on her own experiences) she believes that us being in an unhappy marriage is worst for the kids than us being apart.
I am so confused. I love her, and i want to be with her and keep my family together. At the same time I hate seeing her so sad. I feel like she is trying to push me away so she won't have to make the tough decision (and risk it being a bad one). I have tryed to be strong, tried to tell myself that is what she is doing and I need to be strong. However the coldness and constant rollercoaster ride is definately taking its toll on me.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that I want to stay together, but i don't want this relationship, I want our old one. I want a new relationship with her where the walls are gone, and i don't feel like i'm walking on eggshells, I want to feel like she is crazy about me again. I hate feeling like I am causing her unhappyness and I should just step aside and try to make the best situation for my kids as possible?
I need some help understanding what is going on, Or maybe just some reassurance to stay the course and stop overthinking things.
