Quote: ------------------------------- Things are going well, very well. -------------------------------
That is outstanding news!
Quote: -------------------------------- Nops, you were such a help to me and you restored my hope that my M was worth one last try. I appreciate that and wish you the very, very best. --------------------------------
I am glad that I was able to give you some useful input, and you are very welcome.
I am looking forward to hearing some details when you are ready.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok. An update. Where to begin? So much has transpired, but to try to put it into words, well, it just doesn't seem so grand. But it is.
The best way I can think to describe our R these past few weeks is harmonic. We're doing good with co-parenting, H is helping more around the house, we're being affectionate. We've had one fallout, a couple weeks back, because I went for a drink with several of my fellow karate students at the bar nextdoor to the dojo on a Friday night. I called to ask him if he'd mind, but he didn't answer his phone so I left him a message and then I went for one drink and got home 30 minutes later than usual. I called him on my way home to let him know I was on my way and he said he hadn't listened to my voicemail so he apparently didn't know where I was at that point. He was IRATE. Livid. So angry he wouldn't speak to me. The next morning, I went into his room and told him I wanted activities to go on for the day as we had planned and that I was sick, sick to damn death of feeling like every fight was 'the end'. I basically told him that I can't live life in a vacuum, I will try my best to let him know where I am and what I am doing and that I understand it's hard for him and I understand why it's hard for him. But. I went for a drink, it was thirty minutes, it won't become a habit, but it will likely happen again. Now, let's get up and get ready to go. It was like somebody flipped a switch in that boy. His attitude slowly warmed up over the course of the day and by evening, he was willing to attend the symphony with me for a work-related commitment we made. Just the night before he told me he would not be going. Ever since then, things have been going great and I think I may have finally found the key to H's power plays. Refuse to play. I think I finally know what that means. Finally!
Nothing else very specific to report-we are not in the same bed yet, but he has said he doesn't plan to sleep in separate beds forever and he has put the wedding band issue in that same category. Kissing hasn't been addressed, I'm letting it go. My vehicle is still for sale, I'm waiting on one potential deal and if that doesn't go through, I will sit down with H and discuss whether or not he wants me to spend 10k of our money to get rid of it at a dealership. If he does, I will, no questions asked.
Oh, one last thing. I asked H if the secret pictures, videos, websites, i.e. porn are still going on. He said no. That's a huge display of respect for me. In the recent past, he would ignore me, deflect or just flat out say he wasn't going to stop. I was so happy about that, tears came to my eyes and I told him I loved him.
Last edited by heatherg; 03/27/0707:25 PM.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
So glad to hear this Heather and I think it really does sound GRAND!!
Refuse to play. I think I finally know what that means. Finally!
I agree. You aren't playing because you aren't yelling back and accusing him of things to put him on the defensive and you aren't giving in and leaving him in an offensive position. You can stand your ground without forcing him to become defensive and that must feel good for both of you.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Thanks! I'm happy with the progress we've made and I feel really good about the future-it feels good to know I have a way to handle future arguments without bolting for the door.
My time has been recently monopolized by suing a contractor that was supposed to remodel our bathrooms. We spent two and a half hours at Lowes with him, picking out tubs, showers, sinks, etc and we gave him a very large advance to purchase the stuff and have it delivered to a storage unit he has. He never bought the stuff, he has about $8k of our money and now we have to start all over taking estimates from other contractors while suing the other guy and carrying on with everday life. This bathroom thing has been going on since Sept 06. Ugh!! I'm getting pretty good at knowing how to do this stuff though because I decided not to spend more money on a lawyer, I'm doing it myself.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Glad to hear all is going well. One comment which may or may not be helpful... This problem with your contractor may serve to unite the two of you against a greater threat. Use that to the advantage of the marriage, but when the issue is resolved, be careful not to fall back into picking at one another because there is no more common enemy. Just be conscious of not using that enemy as a subconscious deflection to avoid vulnerability. I've seen this before with my W and both her sisters. The two H's and myself have all stated that it can be good to have the W focus on a good fight because it pulls the focus off the M.
BTW, think of contractors as scum and NEVER give them any more money than what they have already worked for. Try not to even pay up front for half the materials if you can. Always lag the payments. That $8,000 you gave him is probably already gone.
I am looking forward to the two of you addressing the bed and kissing issues. I hope that you are still wearing your wedding ring, if not, you may want to consider wearing it even if he doesn't.
I am glad that he is addressing the porn use. That is a big step.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
