Fearless: For me, there is nothing wrong with the statement "YOU DID something different than I want or need/wrong/etc." The problem is that dependent upon the other person's shame level they may interpret that statement as "something is wrong with me" but that IS NOT what the first person said. So for me the key is not for the first person to necessarily change but for them to be aware of the other person's issue and to HELP them work through it.

Cobra: You are technically correct. But to the dysfunctional person, that is irrelevant. They hear what they hear because of the filters they wear. Stop trying to argue the point that the person should not have those filters. They do, whether you or they like it. By not acknowledging this, you wear your own set of filters.

Cobra

Please read my words carefully. I clearly stated that the key is to be aware and to help that other person. This IS acknowledgment. You can have acknowledgment without concession.

What about your wife? When she feels like an idiot for misplacing her purse once again, you have no problem pushing her to stop deflecting. Do you consider how she feels?


Now this is where I get into trouble. I just dashed off those 2 paragraphs feeling happy and interactive with searching for truth and happy that Cobra is willing to take on such a difficult topic. However when I reread them I "worry" that he will feel like I am blaming him or stating that he has done something wrong OR that I feel blamed or have done something wrong. So I write this additional paragraph to reassure Cobra and everyone that I feel fine and I feel fine toward Cobra.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus