I can see problems with cross posting on a public board, but I also see some strong advantages, advantages above individual or joint counseling. Here we don’t have the advantage, or disadvantage, of person to person interaction, tone, yelling, etc. that may come across in counseling. So we have to go on what is written. Also there is no intimidation that can occur within a personal session. So that is the good part, and the bad part.
What I see in you two are similar issues I have had to face in my marriage, so let me say up front, that I will be making positive and negative comments to BOTH of you.
CAC4, let me start with you because I think the biggest issue concerns you, well, actually your father. MrsCAC4 has stated that your father was abusive to you. I don’t recall you ever mentioning that. That makes sense now that she also said you are emotionless, like Mr. Spock. I was called that a lot too. There is a lot to cover, so I will cut to the chase.
I think you need to come to terms with the anger you have toward your father and own up to the control, intimidation and fear he placed on you. That is severely traumatizing. You have been emotionally shut down all your life. Such abuse from a father destroys your ability to feel like an independent, self assertive man. Your W said you always looked to your dad for approval. The only place you found that was in piloting. After you lost that career, you turned your anger on yourself. Makes sense. You were trained to blame your self for everything anyway, right?
I don’t think your anger over losing your piloting career is properly directed. You blame yourself, but I think you are really diverting the anger you have toward your father. If he is that abusive, then I would think you are scared of him, and rightfully so. But if this is true, you are going to have to face this fact. Whether you decide to face him directly is another matter, but at the very least, come to terms with your anger and where you are directing it.
Your father abandoned you, plain and simple. You shut down to self protect. This is typical “not wanting to want.” Each time you wanted reassurance from your dad, he slammed you. So you learned to not want. You have carried that over into your marriage. Now, the one person you loves you and wants to help you is the misdirected target of your anger. Time to grow up and stop denying the truth, time to be honest, stop lying to yourself. If you do not, you risk losing your marriage. This issue will not go away. I will only get worse.
In fact, it has gotten so bad that you have let yourself go physically. You have lost your ambition, your drive, your purpose, your compassion, your love. You keep trying to come to terms with losing your dream of piloting, but that hasn’t given you the relief you seek, has it. Because that is not where your problems lie. Think it over.
MrsCAC4, you now feel that you have been walking on eggshells and now you will not do it anymore, and you are angry for what you have gone through. The focus of your anger is your H, since he is the one who directly affected you. But like him, I think this anger is misdirected. You came into this marriage looking for someone to give you the comfort and security you needed. You have a passive, insecure personality. Your H did not make you like that. You have certain abandonment issues in your FOO as well that create this need in you. You have had the chance over the years to assert yourself, but you never did. Do not blame CAC4 for this. Take responsibility for yourself. Focus your anger where it belongs and look back into your past.
Your H married you knowing you wanted protection. He married you for the same reason . You each needed support and found it in each other. You two are fused and cannot stand on your own two feet. You need each other for support, but as you have each withdrawn, that lack of support has left you each vulnerable. This is of your own making, each of you. Do not blame the other. Learn to stand on your own, then you can come together.
Go buy 2 copies of “Passionate Marriage” and read through it. Then go back to the beginning and work through the book together, discussing how differentiation and enmeshment applies to your M. Bring discussion topics here for more feedback. CAC4, have you picked u a copy of “The Way of the Superior Man by David Dieda?” He speaks of needing to become your own man, and coming out from the shadow of your father. You DESPERATELY need this book.
Lastly, if you two can see yourselves as victims of abusive FOOs, and understand that you each love one another and truly wish to help the other, then make a commitment to work as a team. All problems as common problems to be tackled together. Be very conscious of the other’s shame around these issues. Be empathic. Do not judge. Try to stop the cycle of resentment and the power plays that can easily escalate. Stop this anger right now!!! The both of you!!
