I've not posted in a very long time because things are good with me and my h, but why is it that I feel that our marriage is so temporary? Why do I, after 2 years of piecing, do I find myself still wondering if I did the right thing? We just returned from a 2 week vacation which was great, but I still found myself thinking the whole time about selling our house, our things and bailing. My h is very loving and we are the best of friends, so why do still have these thoughts? Normal? Do I keep on taking one day at time as I have been for the last two years? It's so hard to live this way. Is this my life? I realize the only person who can change this is me but I'm unsure of how I should change it. Can anyone relate to why I still am so uneasy after all this time?
Heck, I've been reconciled for 4 years and I still have those feelings some days!
I don't know about your sitch, but in my case, I think there are two factors involved.
The first factor is fear. Even when things are going well, there's that fear that it could happen again - and that if you let yourself get too close, too vulnerable, you could get hurt. This seems to be why it pops up after good times, like vacation - you get close, then you get scared.
The second factor has to do with imagination. Maybe I'm a dull girl, but in the first 18 years of my marriage, I never imagined divorce. I just assumed we would always be together, I loved my H and didn't imagine other men or other lives at all.
But once my H's affair FORCED me to think about alternate futures - well, the genie's kinda out of the bottle, you know? I've imagined now where I would live if we split, I've run the financial numbers in my head, I've thought of things I would do if I were single. And every once in a while, when I've had a bad day or when H is being a poopyhead, I imagine that alternate future. And although I don't flirt, now when I meet attractive men, the thought crosses my mind that if I were single, I could see going out with a guy like that.
Maybe I'm unusual, maybe most people think those things throughout their marriage, but I NEVER did until after H's affair.
You've nailed it. I do think about those things. But I need to point out to you, my H affair stared one year after we were married, and lasted a year. We've been married for 4 years, so I can tell you, I have nothing invested so it would be very easy and uncomplicated for me to leave, except for one small problem, I love him. Damn it!
