New Thread for 2940!!!!

[Walking]

Hi 2940 (Your new name is hard to get used to)

I want to respond to these 'new' feelings you are having

tell you that I still feel like I'm just done.

but somehow a certain "peace" is also starting to take over that it's what I need to do in order to move on for now and stop some of this pain so that I can work on bettering myself without him being involved.

However, I feel like I'm done, guys

and I just feel myself pushing him further and further away and growing angrier and angrier and feeling like I just want to do this by myself now - without him

I don't want to see him every day anymore. I don't want to talk to him.

This means you are healing. OK - think about the woman you thought you were before you were blindsided by Hs admission that he was seeing someone else. You were the woman who told your friend that if your H cheated on you you would be out of there? Yes?

Now you've had a melt down, been through denial, done a bit of bargaining and are experiencing a bit of anger and you are taking your power back.

I'm not trying to trivalise your experiences, but rather put them into perspective. All of these feelings and changes are by the book. This is what happens to people when they go through a crisis and you are going through it in your own time, having your own experiences, but grief and loss and change are universal.

The good news is "letting go" or "detatching" is the key to effectively DBing. Right now you feel as though it's 'giving up' but the point is that you can't sufficiently detach from your H until you sincerely do understand that you are going to be OK no matter what.

Regardless of if you get back together or you divorce - you are going to be OK.

Until now you've been letting your phone go to voice mail, or being 'mysterious' as a strategy to get your marriage back. That might work a little, but it rarely works a lot. What InLim and others have been saying to you is that you need to 'let go' for yourself. That's what you are thinking about now.

I loved that comment InLim made about life not being on pause while you are working on your marriage. What she's getting at, is part of the journey to detaching (which has an ultimate aim of giving your H the space to figure out he misses you and would like to work on your marriage) is getting on with your life.

In our life we often feel as though we have to fix things immediately, make decisions, take action, get it sorted. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing.

Think about it in terms of a negotiation. You would rarely tell a business competitor everything that you are thinking and what is going on for you in terms of the deal you are doing. Likewise, you don't have to tell your H you are in or out. You don't have to give ultimatums or anything else at this stage, because time is your friend. Time for you to get a life, really understand that you are a unique and whole individual and you will be OK, you will be better than OK, regardless of whether you are married to him or not.

I also want to comment on the assumptions you've made about

him spending the whole obviously "romantic" evening with her

That's an assumption - and you know better than to assume. You don't know what is going on with them. You don't know what they do together - and it will do your head in thinking about it. Jealousy is an evil and ultimately useless emotion.

In my experience, and in the stories I've heard over and over again on this board, our assumptions about the time that our spouses spend with the other person are vastly superior in quality to what is really going on. Just don't go there.

OK. I've got to go home, my dog hasn't had a proper walk in 3 days.

Good luck with Jody tomorrow.

You are going so well girlfriend. Just keep getting up.