Am exhausted and on meds and need to go to bed, so just time for a quick post.
So I cried the whole time getting ready for dinner, then had to stop so as not to smear my makeup... LOL
I tried to dress up really nice and classy for the dinner and was very outgoing and personalbe while there. But the whole time, I just felt very distant from H. I was sitting next to him, and it would just make me cringe to even have his leg touch mine... How said is that.
So I made it through the dinner and started to walk out, and H told me to give him a hug and said something like "see ya later, baby." I think he calls HER "baby." He's never called me that, so it made me want to vomit...
So I asked him if he was going to be at the office tomorrow, and he said yes. So I just said goodbye and left!
So, walked back to my car and got in the car to drive home and proceeded to bawl like a baby all the way home. I am still feeling like I'm just done with this. The pain is getting less, and the peace is growing. I don't want to be treated like this anymore by him. I don't want to give all of myself every day to our business only to have him go home to someone else. If he's willing to support me in the ways I need to grow, great. If not, I really feel like I just need to let him go and do it on my own. The pain I'm having to deal with from him on top of trying to make myself a better person just doesn't feel worth it anymore. And maybe if I let go, he will see what he might be missing. If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Again, I don't know where this all is coming from... This is like a complete 180 for ME with my emotions... But I just keep screaming out at him at the top of my lungs at how angry I am at him for not leaving me before being with someone else, for putting me through this for so long, for promising to give us another chance and then not putting his heart into it... I'M JUST DONE!!!!
So, I was getting ready to write this quick note to you, and guess who pulls in the driveway at our house? Oh, yes. H! So, as I told you, we had this dinner tonight with a few other couples for the friend of ours who I told you seems to have some sort of influence on him's birthday. And, what do you know, he decides to come home again? I tell you, there is something about this man who brings out something in H... Don't know what it is.
At any rate, I hear the garage door go up, and my heart stops. Then I hear the toilet flush downstairs, and then nothing. I was going to wait until he came up to our bedroom (my suitcase is getting packed on the bed for my trip to Vegas tomorrow, which I STILL have not said anything to him about...) I thought it would be perfect timing to say something to him about it. But then I didn't hear him come upstairs. So after about 5 minutes, I went downstairs, and he's passed out on the couch in family room with all of his clothes on... I tried to unsuccessfully wake up a few times. I asked him what he was doing and why he was home (I guess the anger is taking over in me, like you said). He was too incoherent to answer me. (I think he DID have a little much to drink tonight.) I asked him if he had had too much to drink to drive, but he didn't answer me - just passed back out.
So, what does this mean? I'm angry again because he just thinks he can waltz back into our house whenever he wants and tear my heart up all over again - he just seems to have no regard for my feelings. I did expect him to come upstairs and at least try to sleep in our bed, but he's just too out of it I think, which is a good thing. It wouldn't have been good for me to have to deal with that tonight...
At any rate, not sure what to think of all this - think he just drank too much and didn't want to drive all the way up to "her" house. He probably called her on the way and lied about where he was staying tonight - who knows.
I just keep thinking about that damn rose and liquor mixer the day after we got home from his parents' house and just want to puke all over again. I really feel like I'm done with this, guys. My feelings really aren't wavering. Does it feel good to know he's downstairs sleeping on our couch instead of in her bed? Yep. Does it hurt that he didn't even TRY to sleep with me? Yep, even though I would have worked hard to turn him down. Does it feel horrible that he just thinks it's okay for him to come home when he wants to and tear my heart out? Um-hum. Am I still angry and want to just give him the ultimatum? Yep. That's where I'm at.
My fear is that I am so driven that I don't feel like I would EVER give up DBing in order to get this M back on track. The problem is, life is short, and I don't want to keep living like this for much longer. He's happy with someone else, and I'm miserable. I want to be happy, too. I would love to be happy with him, but how long do I just get kicked around and hurt until enough is enough? I don't know. I WANT to become a better person that he will want, but I don't think I want to do that in this way anymore. It's too hard to be so close to him with the business and whatnot...
I am looking forward to talking with Jody tomorrow and will let you know how that goes....
Thanks for listening to me vent, guys. I don't know what has come over me, but I just want to get on with my life, but I feel so weak for not keeping up the fight...
