"Would you not leave the window wide open when the air conditioning is on?"
Step back a minute and put yourself in his shoes, not his big ol’ shoes now, but those of a little boy who is being shamed and controlled by his mother. Think of what she is saying to him…. “You can’t do this right, you can’t do that right, you’re no good, you’re stupid, you’re blah, blah, blah…. See the association?
Your statement is directed right at him, it states he did something wrong, and to his ears, there is blame. Try making your request in a less personal manner, something like, “I’m trying to control the electricity bills this summer, so would you help me to close the windows in case I don’t get up to close them after you go to bed.” (Ok, I threw a little sarcasm into that one.)
There is one other approach that might work just as well. You’ll have to try it out to see how he responds. Just make the statement right up front, out in the open, with out any blame or guilt in it, but directed squarely at him, in a calm, casual voice: “Hey, close the windows when you go to bed.” Then don’t say anything else. In fact, say it as you are passing through the room on your way to do something else. This is exactly how a guy would say it to him. A direct statement but without blame, more of a reminder of responsibilities. No mushy emotions, no please, no thank you needed, in fact no reply at all required. Lets him quickly duck out of the spotlight.
My bf has actually gone so far as to say to me (granted, it was back when he was still drinking) when I said, "You would never be rude to customers the way you are to me," "I have to be nice to them, but that's being PHONY!"
This is a big deflection IMO. He knows what he is doing. But he also feels safe and comfortable enough with you to dump on you. This is child psychology at work. This does not make sense in an adult world. But he isn’t an adult. Maybe you should read up on some child psychology books to better understand him. Kids do the same things to their mothers.
One other thing… My W does this A LOT and it really pisses me off. If something is lost, or missing, she will go around asking where it is, but always in a way to paint the other person as being responsible. For instance, she will ask me “Did you move my purse?” I’ve heard this so many times that whenever she says this to me, I immediately tell he to stop accusing me of moving her purse, that not once in our marriage have I ever moved her purse, and that every time she has lost it, she has found it in a place that she put it (and this is absolutely true). I made a BIG deal out of it.
This is harsh, I know, but not so long ago she just didn’t get it. We have talked about this and now she usually (not always) tries to choose her words a little more carefully. I tell her to simply ask me if I have seen her purse, that it is missing. Do not make any implication that I have taken it because I take offense at being falsely accused. Guess what? It works. (MrsCAC, this might be an example of “pushing” things.)
My W’s way of asking, and Lil, your request to your bf, contains fault within the premise of the question. When my wife says this to me, I feel backed into a corner before I even know what is going on. It is a control tactic by her to automatically take a one-up position, to defelct the frustration she feels with herself for misplacing her purse, again. But it causes other people to begin walking on eggshells. Now that I am aware of this, I take very strong offense to it because I do not like her trying to pull this subtle power play on me. I won’t allow her to dodge her irresponsibility by throwing it on me.
I know this has to do with my issues. She tries to excuse her way of asking by saying that I am too sensitive, these are my mother issues, etc. I tell her that may be true, but this is me, you know it ticks me off, so YOU watch what you’re saying. Maybe your bf is reacting to similar issues, though he may not know how to verbalize it.
