I'm sorry I've abandoned you during the past couple of days. Things have been frantic around here - I took a well deserved weekend mini-break - but came home to a business crisis (I really need a new job) and a domestic disaster (my foster daughter, who is a refugee from Iran, had a hard weekend and she's beside herself - poor love) so I haven't had a chance to devote the time here.
I've started about 4 posts, but you were moving too fast for me, so I'd respond to one and then it was kind of out of date.
OK - I'm starting again from where you seem to be at.
I'm hearing you are at that well travelled roadstop called "what the hell am I doing here?" or colloquially "where do I get off this rollercoaster?"
Tricky place to be - and if I may say so, you must have been breaking the speed limit to get here, because this is fast progress indeed. Well done.
Do you know the Kubler-Ross stages of grief? The 5 Stages of Grief were defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying", she presented 5 stages terminally ill people go through upon learning of their terminal illness.
They were not originally the 5 stages of Grief but better: The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News (ring any bells).
The stages are
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that probably can't be generalized in 5 steps. It is however a good start to understanding what's happening for us.
Unforutnately we don't necessarily go through them in order or even necessarily only once, we can keep cycling through denial, anger etc until we've dealt with the issues that are keeping us there.
You are currently smack bang in the middle of anger. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Is it necessary? You betcha. Can you get off? Can you stop this pain and anger? Sorry - not until you work through it. The anger that you are feeling now isn't something you can just stop. What would have to happen for it to stop? What? Tell me? [Think your answer here - and if you are thinking "I don't know" tell me what it would be if you did know]
Is that going to happen? Unlikely huh?
Quote:
(I) Am just feeling like I'm done with feeling this way and don't want to do this anymore.
And the alternative would be? What would you have to do to stop feeling this way? What would have to happen so these feelings would go away?
You know, bad things happen. I don't know why - they just do. In order to be a grown up, we need to be resiliant. Fall down seven times and get up eight. You know? That's what you are learning now. It's the crappest feeling in the world, but bad stuff happens and we have the skills we need to get through it.
Think about a parent who's child is abused. Think about the spouse of a police officer who is killed in the line of duty. Think about the child whose parents and 2 other siblings are killed in a car accident. Imagine you are some of the other people on this board who have been married for the same period of time, but have 2 or 3 kids and limited income. You are not Robinson Crusoe my lovely.
You know in all of those scenarios those people have to keep on. They have to go through all the same things you are going through, but they have to do so without the same hope, encouragement and resources that you have at your disposal. Can they get off the ride? No more than you.
I've been trying to figure out how to respond to the stuff you've been reflecting on about how long do you wait and is all this worth it. Facts are - there is no easy way to decide that. It's personal and it's entirely interdependent on where you are at on your journey.
One day when I have more time, I'll tell you my story - and it will demonstrate the awakening I had that made me realise it just wasn't worth it for me. (Funnily enough, my gorgeous exH would kill to get back together with me now - but I'm so over it, and will never go back to that place. We are great friends and I will always be inordinately fond of him, but too much happened and I grew up. He's still got a lot of growing up to do)
Thing is, you don't have to make any decisions today. Today you just have to get through.
Will dumping your H make the pain go away? No. Will DBing make the pain less intense? Yes, but probably not today or tomorrow. Will DBing save your marriage? - well I don't know about you - but in my circumstance - DBing saved me - and I was a much more valuable commodity to save than my fun but dysfunctional marriage.
Last edited by Walkingback; 03/27/0703:51 AM.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
