Thanks, Rosy. I tend to agree with you - I need to distance myself from him somehow. It's very difficult since we are in business together...
I am having a really hard day still. I have to run and get ready for our dinner but wanted to write and just tell you that I still feel like I'm just done. I got back to our office after the counseling session today and picked up a receipt that has been sitting on his desk. It was from a grocery store for some liquor mix and a single rose for the day after we got back from his parents' house. Then I checked his credit card bill again and saw that there was a dinner charge on there for that night. I don't know why I snooped again, but of course I had another meltdown. The thought of him spending the whole obviously "romantic" evening with her the day after we got home makes me want to vomit.
I almost feel like I'm deliberately trying to make myself hurt more so that I can somehow justify this feeling I'm having that I'm just done with this. I am feeling stronger about it all the time. I know it's only been a few days that I've been feeling this way, but somehow a certain "peace" is also starting to take over that it's what I need to do in order to move on for now and stop some of this pain so that I can work on bettering myself without him being involved. That is such a challenge with the business, but that is what I am leaning towards at this point. I don't know if I'm ready yet to talk about D, but I almost feel like it. As my counselor pointed out, people do get D's and get back together again, so that's always possible I suppose if it's meant to be...
I know I can't make a rash decision. I scheduled an early morning appointment tomorrow morning to talk with Jody (DB coach) to tell her how I'm feeling and get some guidance. My plan is to go on the trip to Vegas (I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon) and do some heavy thinking and soul searching while I'm gone and see how I feel when I return. However, I feel like I'm done, guys.
The thing is, I feel like I'm "giving up" before I've turned over every stone. I know there is so much more that I need to do to make me a better person, and I honestly want to do those things, but I just feel like I can do them better without him anymore. If afterwards he chooses to come back to me, maybe we can work it out then.
But then part of my just holds on to the commitment that I made to love this man forever - no matter what, and I feel so guilty for feeling like I am betraying that... I don't WANT to be a quitter. And I know so many of you have stuck it out for so long. I just don't know if I want to be this unhappy and unsettled anymore. My work is suffering, my health is suffering, and my happiness is suffering. I know you've all told me that all of these things are in MY control, that H is not responsible for them. At the same time, my heart just tears apart more and more each day, and I just feel myself pushing him further and further away and growing angrier and angrier and feeling like I just want to do this by myself now - without him.
The thought of him spending his special times with her is just more than I want to think about anymore I think. I'm tired of being there to make the business successful for him during the day and then for him to go home to her at night. It just hurts, and I feel used in ways and just feel done with it... I don't want to see him every day anymore. I don't want to talk to him.
Where is this all coming from, guys? This is so opposite from what I've been feeling. It's like ever since Saturday when I had my "experience" all of my emotions have changed so much.
I know there is so much more than I can do and can do so much better with DBing to work on saving my marriage, and that is what is biting at me. I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything I could. At the same time, I'm just tired of hurting so much and knowing he's with someone else. I'm just tired....
Help! I have to run to dinner. I'll let you know how it goes but wanted to post before I left to please ask for your feedback. Am I giving up too soon if that's the decision I make????
