Looking Up

[Heywyre]

Didn't have much time to talk today with H when he got home because he has to go to work again tonight and leaves at 11:30 so had to eat, get cleaned up etc. before getting some rest and he didn't get home until almost 3.

But he called to say he was almost home and he asked if I wanted to meet him over at the shop to see the Jeep (came in today) so I said yes. We met there and it looks pretty darn good so I am pleased and kinda excited about it - it will be some good together time (which has been sadly missing for a long, long time). I told him it will be nice to take it out for a run. He said "I thought you didn't want to be with me" - I replied "I never said that, I said things needed to change because I can't live like this anymore" He said, "I know"

We then grabbed something quick to eat and he told me he was sorry and that he had "better smarten up" and that he knows what he did was wrong. I told him to have a good relationship, we need friendship (which I know we have) and trust and friends don't lie to each other. He said he doesn't know why he does it but knows it has to change. He also agreed he would come to meet me on Mondays for lunch as he knows that is my worst day and if he wants to go for a drive or to the library he will do it on another day he might have off during the week. I said that I can't expect him to do that for the rest of his life and that I would eventually have to adjust. He said "yes, but for for the time being, I think its best". I thanked him for that and we agreed to take it one day at a time

[Heywyre]

Just journalling

Well, the guy from the shop called and said the Jeep (the new baby in the house) needed more work than we anticipated. Isn't that always the way. However, H at least has agreed that because it will be the new "toy" and cost more than originally planned, he is willing to forfeit his dream of getting his pilot's license (thank goodness because I can't stand flying) and he also said he would prefer to be on the ground (me too)

I am still on this roller coaster and trying very hard to get off. I can't seem to get past this not trusting him, thinking he is hiding stuff from me. I know he will do whatever he wants to do regardless of what I say, think etc. but at the same time, we can't build a good relationship if he is constantly hiding things from me. He says it is just "privacy" and a "matter of principle". I say it is being secretive and deceiving. I guess it is all how you look at it.

I's not much of a Dr. Phil fan but I have to use one of his lines here: "if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing"

[COG]

Heywyre,

I am still on this roller coaster and trying very hard to get off. I can't seem to get past this not trusting him, thinking he is hiding stuff from me.

Well that's a pretty hard thing to do when he keeps lying to you or keeping things from you. I guess the other option is to just let go. GAL and stop keeping tabs on him. Just let yourself be vulnerable. I don't think it's the easiest thing to do, but I don't think your H is going to change after all this time. It's just probably the way he was raised. He just found it easier to survive by keeping things from people. I have no doubt that he loves you, and his A did'nt change that.

We're called to love unconditionally, not just when it's easy or when there's something in it for us. I know it's stupid, not fair, abusive, whatever, but it's simply what we're called to do.

Nobody said life was easy. Hang in there!

Love,

COG

[COG]

Heywyre,

I am still on this roller coaster and trying very hard to get off. I can't seem to get past this not trusting him, thinking he is hiding stuff from me.

Well that's a pretty hard thing to do when he keeps lying to you or keeping things from you. I guess the other option is to just let go. GAL and stop keeping tabs on him. Just let yourself be vulnerable. I don't think it's the easiest thing to do, but I don't think your H is going to change after all this time. It's just probably the way he was raised. He just found it easier to survive by keeping things from people. I have no doubt that he loves you, and his A did'nt change that.

We're called to love unconditionally, not just when it's easy or when there's something in it for us. I know it's stupid, not fair, abusive, whatever, but it's simply what we're called to do.

Nobody said life was easy. Hang in there!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

It's true COG, he does love me, I know that, regardless of the A. He even told me that all the time it was happening he kept telling himself that it was wrong, he never, ever once thought about leaving me and never, ever blamed me for any part of it. That I do have to be thankful for

I truly believe it was the way he was brought up - very British family, no one showed affection or knew anything about anyone's elses business.

This loving unconditionally isn't as easy as it sounds is it. As a matter of fact, he was going to bed last night (and he usually likes me to come and lay with him for a couple of minutes because I don't go to bed until several hours later - almost when it is time for him to get back up) and he said "thank you for being such a wonderful person, I love you". I said "I love you too" and his reply was "why" and I said "because you are a good person". He kind of chuckled and said "I haven't been lately" and I said, "you will get back to that person soon, I have faith in that". We hugged and he went off to sleep

Some might think I am being a martyr but I know the person he is, I love the (basic) person he is, we have both put a lot into this R and I am not about to throw in the towel over some silly little nuisances that don't really matter one way or the other. The main thing is, he loves me and he isn't seeing the OW anymore. The rest we can build on.

Thanks COG - your replies and comments are inspirational

[COG]

Heywyre,

Here's something else. I did'nt hear anything about promising to have sex in the wedding vows. Sure it's just assumed but ????. What if our spouses physically could not have sex. Would that be OK, or would we give up on them? What if it were us who lost the desire. Loved our S's but just did'nt have the emotional lust connection thing? We wanted our M's but just did'nt want sex? How would it feel to have our S's reminding us of it every day like we do them? I think it would be pretty depressing and eventually I'd want a D rather than be reminded constantly of it.

I'm not a martyr and neither are you. That's just stupid talk. We're good people that just ended up in a difficult spot right now and the major struggle is in our heads. One thing is absolutely sure, we'll not always be stuck here. I for one am going to take my time, see things through on nature or God's time frame. I disagree with the "I want it and I want it NOW or else", or the "I DESERVE it" attitudes. That's as selfish as it gets, YUK! Nope, my W deserves better than that.

Either way, there's life to be lived and it's time to get to it.

God Bless,

COG

[Heywyre]

Well said COG

Yes, I for one have turned the situation around a number of times and said "what would I do if it was me" and amazingly enough, you change your thought patterns pretty quickly.

I guess I should have guessed when we first got together that he wasn't as sexual as I was, being that he asked me to marry him before we even had sex (and it was not a first marriage for either of us). I just thought he was a kind, gentle soul that was respecting me - and perhaps he was (or at least I would prefer it to be that way). He has always told me that too many people put an emphasis on sex in today's society and I have to agree with him on that one.

We are good people in a difficult spot but regardless of how things turn out, he will always be a very special person in my life, I have already told him that, and I can't even see him not being a big part of my life, whether we live together or not

So onward and upward - continuing to show my unconditional love (as difficult as it might be at times) but I will always keep that at the back of my mind. As a matter of fact, it really helped to pull me through today when I was slipping - thanks COG you are a wonderful, inspirational person

[Heywyre]

Ok, so here's the scoop

Yesterday was what I would have called a pretty good day basically. H and I went to the garden centre and picked up some soil for the garden. We also did some minor cleaning of the yard and also picked up an arbor I had seen advertised. When I commented on it, H said "let's drop by and take a look at them" so that was nice.

He has also been a little more productive around our place - seems like the depression is wearing off a little and he is getting his "drive" back, so he says. He does seem more like the old H I used to know, which has been in space for who knows how long.

But here's the kicker - any and all suggestions gladly accepted

Last night I was feeling a little down when we went to bed. I try not to make a big deal about it but H notices (in the dark mind you) that I am a little quiet and says "are you alright". I don't want to cover up because we are trying to express our feelings and emotions more to each other but at the same time I don't want to sound like a blubbering idiot but I say that I am not feeling as good as I think I should be by now. Most of the pressure (as I see it) comes from the fact that H says he is pretty much "over it" and thinks about OW but it doesn't pull at him emotionally like it used to. He is ready to move forward and put it all behind him. Sorry, but I am not there by any stretch of the imagination. He doesn't know why. I tell him that I have been burned twice now, both times I was promised it wouldn't happen again. Am I a little apprehensive - you betcha! He says he can understand but he "really means it" this time. I tell him the lack of reassurance from" him is probably holding me back. And this is what he says .... "What do you mean by reassurance, I don't understand"? What do I mean? WTH!!! Reassurance, don't you know what that means? Of course that isn't what I said because I remained calm and composed. Instead I said, "I need to hear you say you won't go there again, I need to hear you say you are sorry for hurting me, I need to hear you say you will do whatever it takes for us to move this M forward, that is what reassurance is". Am I missing something here? Is this normal for them not to know what reassurance is. I can see them not knowing what kind of reassurance one might need, but not to understand that their spouse would actually need the reassurance, I just don't get it.

Is there anyone out there that has had to deal with this and can they give me some advice as to what I can say to him and/or our C (which we go to see Thursday) about dealing with this issue. I am sure if there was more of it on a regular basis I would be able to stop being so emotional and actual start to trust again

[COG]

Heywyre,

Girl you are a female ME!

I need to hear you say you won't go there again, I need to hear you say you are sorry for hurting me, I need to hear you say you will do whatever it takes for us to move this M forward, that is what reassurance is".

Well, I would'nt hold my breath. After years of giving my W the exact words I wanted to hear, and years of her not repeating them, I came to the conclusion that it really does'nt matter what she says, it's what she does that counts. Words are important, don't get me wrong, but actions speak much louder. One sure way for me to get my W to NOT say something, is to ask her to say it.

Put more emphasis on the fun day you had together, and less emphasis in the later. Let go of your fears and insecurities, risk it all, again. Your asking him to say certain things is a controlling behaivior. It's YOUR weakness, not his. Having those feelings is very normal, but we have to act way above the norm if we're going to be successful at this.

Is this normal for them not to know what reassurance is.

They probably know what reassurance is, but they just might not be strong enough to give it regularly. So WE have to be stronger.

Life is not fair, especially for that wild ass cow!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Wise, wise COG - how right you are. It is MY weakness and I have to remember that and try not to project my weaknesses on H.

What we must go through to save a M that was destroyed by someone else. And, yes, who said life was fair (I can't tell you how many times my mother said "life isn't fair, get used to it") I guess its time for me to accept that.

Controlling eh? Hmmmm I will have to think about that one for a while. I know it is an "issue" with H and I think a lot of our problems stem from mistrust from both sides. He sees my need for honesty and openness as controlling him, which I have absolutely no desire to do. I just want to be in a loving, sharing relationship - is that so much to ask for (obviously it is). When I ask him about something, automatically his guard goes up and he thinks I am questioning him. He says this is how he's always been - I find that a little much to swallow as he seems to forget I knew him before he turned into the alien he is now

But I will heed your advice and see how things progress in the next little while. Oh woe is me, having to conceed, once again