Stubborn I go through this too. If you remember, after asking W to go for counselling with me and telling her I was unhappy with this sitch and it was not going to go on endlessly, her response was to plan a family vacation! My best friend almost gagged when I told him that she had sat me down to discuss my activity schedule because my new plans would interfere with family time and she had always been mindful to leave that night open for family time!!! Give me a break. As a friend of mine once said, after his W left him and an array of crazy things happened, "if this was happening to somebody else I might find it funny!" Oh, yes, it is happening to you and I'm not finding it funny. So much for that.
Here's a pleasant scenario. Reading to D7 @ bedtime. Get her down and find spouse is gone. Classy. She calls and leaves a message: "I know you don't like it when I leave while you're reading. I'm sorry. I thought tonight would be a better night than tomorrow night".
wow...a better night to leave me trying to comfort a crying child in the dark while I sob silently to myself and try to make sure my tears don't literally fall on her little shoulders? D7 is sad because , as she put it, "I don't exactly know" (she misses her turtle, she's a kid, she's entitiled) and I'm heartbroken that someone could treat me like this. And Sunday we leave for a happy family vacation. Act as if...I think this might take far more strength than I have. Hopefully I will be able to tell myself I did everything possible and then some. But I know me and I fear always feeling like I could/should have tried harder
Sometimes ya just feel like the worlds biggest loser, don't ya? I guess this is one of those times. How sad I am. I am sad to think that someone could say "I'm sorry", not for completely forsaking me but for leaving to be with OW while I read to our child. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I have tried for a year and am no closer to resolution than I was. (untrue, she admits wavering but...not enough to give up the tryst) I am sorry that I don't seem to be able to do any more or to make this work. I am sorry that only little rather nasty things get her attention. I am sorry that she is hurting her daughter by hurting me. It's a sorry day.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Stubborn.. I know that the family vaca is coming up and you are in my thoughts. PLAN on having a great time. PLAN on giving your D7 a vaca she will never forget. PLAN on leaving your stress and worries at home. Oh, and if S decides to 'show up' and have fun w/ you two wonderful ladies (you and D7), then great. But PLAN on not needing her to have your fun.
Just wanted to extend hugs and thoughts here. Hope it's a great day for you. Take care of you so you can take care of that bright girl of yours. You matter. You are wonderful. You deserve better. You do something nice for yourself today. Massage, anyone??
thanks Jules. We returned from the sunny beach yesterday (I just said that to rub a little snow in your face, sorry, it was evil) So of course where is spouse tonight? Hmmmmmm.....not home, nor will she be until tomorrow.
Our vacation for the most part was pleasant. She bought me a belated birthday present, nice piece of jewelry and to say thanks I gave her a kiss BEFORE she could turn her head. Gee twice on the lips in a year. whew. She had to go cold turkey from OW as no cell service but of course the "withdrawl" has proven how much she loves her...JFC...
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
And because this is my thread and I can:::: Journaling:
One year ago today we returned from spring break, spouse went to take D to grammas and spouse called me to say: "I'm not coming home tonight". I still remember how horrid that feeling was and thinking to myself: "are you having an affair"? But it seemed so absurd I didn't voice it.
So where are we now? Gee, D will be 8 next month and spouse continues to affirm that she is unable to make up her mind. Gee, I feel sorry for her don't you? The only good thing is daughter will be that much older if we split. Still rips my heart out for her though. I still refuse to be the "bad guy" for a weak person who will not make their own decisions. The day will come but it ain't here yet.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Hey stubborn... no worries as I am heading to the beach this week.
Glad you had a vacation that was for the most part pleasant. I just keep getting hung up on the 'for the most part' part. You deserve better. And I'm sorry you can't have what you deserve right now.
Keep taking care of yourself. Enjoy what you are becoming and what you are learning about yourself. Sigh... just sorry it's like this.
well it hit the fan last night. Spouse caught on that I don't agree to a 50/50 kid split. She is pretty much livid in a slow burn type a way.
I was careless. I left a journal in the car and while spouse and D7 were in car, D found it and read it then handed it to spouse asking "why would mama write that?" Spouse mentioned to me that D had found journal and read some but I PRESUMED she read my list of vacation goals, which was in the back. WRONG. She was reading my notes from a session with a DB coach. oops. I never discussed it with spouse again and the only thing she said to me was "I really liked the parts she asked me to read". In an effort to avoid drama on vacation I just let it go and spouse did too.
But late last night she pulled it out to hit me over the head with it. We had a big discussion with me repeating over and over the equasion was: Spouse leaving home 100% of time does NOT equate with D leaving home 50% of time". The algebra is not popular with spouse who thinks I'm just being mean and using the D to blackmail spouse. Untrue: I do not believe 50/50 is healthy for young children.
Spouse kept telling me that D deserved to spend time with spouse and I kept agreeing: She deserves to spend 100% of her time with you and we could do that by you staying in our family and putting it back together. There was no real yelling but I did cry, I always do. So now the cat is out of the bag and ugly is on the menu.
I told spouse it would be hard work for everybody if we came back to be a real family. She asked how it would be hard for me (translation: that would be me getting what I want so how could it be painful or hard for me?) My answer was that I would have to live with the fact that I might not be her first choice and that if she didn't buckle down and do ALOT of work it could happen again to us.
Well what do you think folks? What now? What generally happens in spouse gets mad and nasty when things she does not like come up or her "fault" is mentioned in any way. Then she cools off and apologizes, but I HATE the friction and anger. I did feel detached last night and much less emotionally charged. Wow, almost scares me because I feel a bit like "screw it". My head says I want my family and spouse but my heart is tired of being romped on. Speak wise friends.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Be strong, woman. This is all so damn unfair and man, you are really doing a fine job of being walked all over. The thing that most struck me right now is...
Quote:
I did feel detached last night and much less emotionally charged. Wow, almost scares me because I feel a bit like "screw it". My head says I want my family and spouse but my heart is tired of being romped on.
And I am probably the last person who should be passing on advice to you right now, b/c I am feeling the same way. But I think in a way this is a really good thing. You need to get to this point that you can accept whatever outcome happens... and I know you feel like you are already there, but there is so much farther to go. A lot of people say that it is when we get to this point that we can really start to DB. I don't know, at the point I am at, I no longer want to do what I considered "DBing" but maybe I was doing the wrong thing all along.
Quote:
I told spouse it would be hard work for everybody if we came back to be a real family. She asked how it would be hard for me (translation: that would be me getting what I want so how could it be painful or hard for me?) My answer was that I would have to live with the fact that I might not be her first choice and that if she didn't buckle down and do ALOT of work it could happen again to us.
And this is true. But, stubborn, hon, you deserve to be her first choice. Don't try to keep this thing together b/c it is 'right' for D7 or because it is the noble thing to do. You have worth. And you deserve to be number 1. So don't do this to yourself. Yes, it will be hard work, b/c there will be a lot of pain to work thru. But you do NOT settle for second fiddle, sweetie. Not in my book. Also, what kind of message will you be sending to D7 about healthy Rs if you do that? The point is for you to get yourself into a healthy place that you can be w/ or w/o S... and D sees what a strong, wonderful role model you are.
Your S is seriously f'up to not see what she is doing. So don't take that personally. This isn't about you and your shortcomings... this is about your S needing to realize that she is responsible for her own happiness. You matter, you don't deserve this and you didn't do anything to bring this on. Keep focusing on you and your D. Get yourself to a place where you are truly happy and are responsible for your own happiness- your D7 deserves to learn how to do that for herself by watching you.
Have you followed galing's thread at all??? She has a new attitude toward her sitch that is very refreshing. Don't know if it will help you, but it is good stuff to check out.
Hugs, stubborn. Keep your chin up. Take care of you. Buy some of your own stock, b/c you really are worth it!
