Looking Up

[Heywyre]

Ok, so here's the scoop

Yesterday was what I would have called a pretty good day basically. H and I went to the garden centre and picked up some soil for the garden. We also did some minor cleaning of the yard and also picked up an arbor I had seen advertised. When I commented on it, H said "let's drop by and take a look at them" so that was nice.

He has also been a little more productive around our place - seems like the depression is wearing off a little and he is getting his "drive" back, so he says. He does seem more like the old H I used to know, which has been in space for who knows how long.

But here's the kicker - any and all suggestions gladly accepted

Last night I was feeling a little down when we went to bed. I try not to make a big deal about it but H notices (in the dark mind you) that I am a little quiet and says "are you alright". I don't want to cover up because we are trying to express our feelings and emotions more to each other but at the same time I don't want to sound like a blubbering idiot but I say that I am not feeling as good as I think I should be by now. Most of the pressure (as I see it) comes from the fact that H says he is pretty much "over it" and thinks about OW but it doesn't pull at him emotionally like it used to. He is ready to move forward and put it all behind him. Sorry, but I am not there by any stretch of the imagination. He doesn't know why. I tell him that I have been burned twice now, both times I was promised it wouldn't happen again. Am I a little apprehensive - you betcha! He says he can understand but he "really means it" this time. I tell him the lack of reassurance from" him is probably holding me back. And this is what he says .... "What do you mean by reassurance, I don't understand"? What do I mean? WTH!!! Reassurance, don't you know what that means? Of course that isn't what I said because I remained calm and composed. Instead I said, "I need to hear you say you won't go there again, I need to hear you say you are sorry for hurting me, I need to hear you say you will do whatever it takes for us to move this M forward, that is what reassurance is". Am I missing something here? Is this normal for them not to know what reassurance is. I can see them not knowing what kind of reassurance one might need, but not to understand that their spouse would actually need the reassurance, I just don't get it.

Is there anyone out there that has had to deal with this and can they give me some advice as to what I can say to him and/or our C (which we go to see Thursday) about dealing with this issue. I am sure if there was more of it on a regular basis I would be able to stop being so emotional and actual start to trust again