Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

OH wow!! Ok, I knew about the mood changes...really...but damn!

So, Fri she gets her hair done to go out on the town. I say nice things, how pretty she looks, etc. She wasn't going with OM so I was supportive and told her have a great time. She comes home and the car has problems..running rough....that means we can't take D to college tour. She gets car fixed...simple spark plug problem...but now has no plans and its just us in the house....but we were getting along really well. Until...

She said...so did I look good last night...I said she did indeed...through in some well meant compliments...then I said it...As the words came out I knew it would be bad....couldn't bring em back....I said she looked really good...the only thing that would have made her look better was her ring...owww...

She said now you're starting to bug me...I apologized and made some bad jokes to clear the tension...got her laughing and we went on to have an ok day. She went out with OM, but before she went she gave me a hug even...didn't ask...right out of the blue.

So the next morning I over hear her on the phone...and she's pissed...talking to her aunt...who divorced her husband in a similar way. So she comes in to talk and makes it clear that we are just ROOMATES...THATS IT!!! When are you getting out, etc

Wha? Where'd that nice lady go to?

Thought I had a good handle on things...thought I wouldn't be brought to tears in front of her again...but she knows my buttons...she knows my open wounds.

After that I got a little PO'd. Made contact with a lot of people I haven't talked to in a while. Talked with fam in PA...they offered to put me up and help me if I want to go there.... They don't have a lot of money and my being there would be a burden I feel...but it just made me feel good that they are willing to offer this to me...its been a while since I even talked to them and they just open their hearts to me.... I feel undeserving in a way. Good to have another option...

So yeah, the naked stuff and the massages...I've been letting them give me hope....no more....I mean I'll still massage her....but I'm not letting myself get sucked in anymore...just enjoy it for the physical sensation and thats it..

It's like the closer we get the farther she runs the next day

It's like I saw her for the stranger she is for the first time....anything I'm clinging to is just a memory....nothing more...

I need to get more of a life...and after that little tirade of hers, well, I don't look to see if she's home anymore...don't go out of my way to be availabe for her...in fact I'm finding myself avoiding her...feeling better when she's not here instead of being anxious when she's out.

I'm not trying to GAL anymore...I'm just doing it more...its more in how I feel than what I'm actually doing....world of difference, that I didn't get before.

I still love her of course...but this ain't her anymore...I don't know who this person is :-(

Maybe someday the aliens will bring her back....maybe not...gotta go on regardless...

Still massaged her last night...she couldn't sleep again...maybe its all that staying out drinking?...hmmm maybe?? won't tell her that anymore...but I think she used to feel the hope in me the next day...I'll tell ya...she didn't feel it this time...

Hopes gone for the moment....tears still flowing when she's not around....been using EFT tapping...don't know if you've heard of it...its a bizare technique like tapping on the accupunture points while thinking of what upsets you...even better if you are upset...it kind of lessens the intensity of the emotion...

They say you can get the feelings down to zero but I haven't gone that far....I wonder...if I could get rid of the pain, would I??
Am I afraid the love would go with it?? Would I miss it?? It has been a strange source of comfort in a crazy way...anybody know what I mean??

Enough philisophical rambling from me..

Hope you all are well!!