Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Strange night....she was out pretty late for a work night. Came home and went to the couch. I went out to see her...I apologized for being a jerk...told her it was none of my business where she went or with who. She told me she was upset and needed some drinks and had some whiskey (not her usual...by far..) I joked about her becoming hard core. I kissed her (oops, maybe..)she said why did I do that...I said I thought she was drunk and I should take advantage.

Then she asked if she wanted her to sleep with me...I said, yeah, if its what YOU want...so she came to bed. For the first time in many weeks she turned and held me as we slept. She couldn't sleep well on the waterbed so she asked me to massage her on the couch...I agreed...did that for a while...said goodnight. She came into bed a couple hours later....and took off the robe!!
We held each other buck naked for a while... OMG...did that feel nice. Didn't last...she still couldn't sleep...went back to couch...apologized for waking me (are you kidding??)

Now, I know....today IF I see her she'll look at me like I'm the devil himself. It was what it was...nothing more and probably less...

Don't know how it fits with DB...but I sure ain't strong enough to kick a naked woman out of my bed :-)

[LoginName]

OL,
I think Friday's and the weekend are tough, partly because not many post on those days. I hope you do alright this weekend. I hope anyone out there reading drops in a posts here and gives some support and advice.

You're in a tough spot. Although I envy you that you sometimes sleep and touch your W, I don't know if I could stand it.

Have you read DR (Divorce Recovery)? I think it's a little better than DB. In DR, it has a spot where it tells you when to use LRT, and I think you fit the criteria. I don't understand MLC (who does?), but I do think the basics of DB and LRT are always good advise
1. Don't talk R talk, unless she initiates it
2. don't let her see you upset if at all possible
3. don't initiate any conversation, except for issues you have to like kids, finances, etc. If she says how was your day, respond nicely. Don't ask her how her day was. Get it?
4. Listen, don't argue with anything. Just say something like you can understand how she might feel that way, then drop it.

Reread my other posts with advise too. You need to do this. You need to GAL and detach some.

I didn't believe it when I was given this advice, but things got better when I followed it.

I probably won't get back on line until Monday. Hang in there. You are surviving and you will.

take care.

[justbestfriends]

OL, I think you're already wise to the fact that their moods can change frequently. Expect her to shut you down again after the other night.

What are you doing to build up your PMA to get you away from the heartache? In my experience though it's hard to get out and do things, it's even harder when you don't.
Take care buddy.

[outtaluck]

OH wow!! Ok, I knew about the mood changes...really...but damn!

So, Fri she gets her hair done to go out on the town. I say nice things, how pretty she looks, etc. She wasn't going with OM so I was supportive and told her have a great time. She comes home and the car has problems..running rough....that means we can't take D to college tour. She gets car fixed...simple spark plug problem...but now has no plans and its just us in the house....but we were getting along really well. Until...

She said...so did I look good last night...I said she did indeed...through in some well meant compliments...then I said it...As the words came out I knew it would be bad....couldn't bring em back....I said she looked really good...the only thing that would have made her look better was her ring...owww...

She said now you're starting to bug me...I apologized and made some bad jokes to clear the tension...got her laughing and we went on to have an ok day. She went out with OM, but before she went she gave me a hug even...didn't ask...right out of the blue.

So the next morning I over hear her on the phone...and she's pissed...talking to her aunt...who divorced her husband in a similar way. So she comes in to talk and makes it clear that we are just ROOMATES...THATS IT!!! When are you getting out, etc

Wha? Where'd that nice lady go to?

Thought I had a good handle on things...thought I wouldn't be brought to tears in front of her again...but she knows my buttons...she knows my open wounds.

After that I got a little PO'd. Made contact with a lot of people I haven't talked to in a while. Talked with fam in PA...they offered to put me up and help me if I want to go there.... They don't have a lot of money and my being there would be a burden I feel...but it just made me feel good that they are willing to offer this to me...its been a while since I even talked to them and they just open their hearts to me.... I feel undeserving in a way. Good to have another option...

So yeah, the naked stuff and the massages...I've been letting them give me hope....no more....I mean I'll still massage her....but I'm not letting myself get sucked in anymore...just enjoy it for the physical sensation and thats it..

It's like the closer we get the farther she runs the next day

It's like I saw her for the stranger she is for the first time....anything I'm clinging to is just a memory....nothing more...

I need to get more of a life...and after that little tirade of hers, well, I don't look to see if she's home anymore...don't go out of my way to be availabe for her...in fact I'm finding myself avoiding her...feeling better when she's not here instead of being anxious when she's out.

I'm not trying to GAL anymore...I'm just doing it more...its more in how I feel than what I'm actually doing....world of difference, that I didn't get before.

I still love her of course...but this ain't her anymore...I don't know who this person is :-(

Maybe someday the aliens will bring her back....maybe not...gotta go on regardless...

Still massaged her last night...she couldn't sleep again...maybe its all that staying out drinking?...hmmm maybe?? won't tell her that anymore...but I think she used to feel the hope in me the next day...I'll tell ya...she didn't feel it this time...

Hopes gone for the moment....tears still flowing when she's not around....been using EFT tapping...don't know if you've heard of it...its a bizare technique like tapping on the accupunture points while thinking of what upsets you...even better if you are upset...it kind of lessens the intensity of the emotion...

They say you can get the feelings down to zero but I haven't gone that far....I wonder...if I could get rid of the pain, would I??
Am I afraid the love would go with it?? Would I miss it?? It has been a strange source of comfort in a crazy way...anybody know what I mean??

Enough philisophical rambling from me..

Hope you all are well!!

[LoginName]

OL,
I think the mood swings are a good reason to detach and LRT.

I can't imagine what it would be like, although I think JBF can. When I first came to this board, I had an 'advisor' who watched his W date the OM while living with him. Somehow, he made it through and is rebuilding his M and doing well (his name is Grasshopper. If you get time, you should look up his story). But I don't think many can do what he did, or have the luck he did (because I think luck has to play a part in this too. Here's hoping you're lucky! :)) You seem to be doing well. Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and defend them as needed.

You can't figure out what she is thinking; why she is nice then the next day evil. She is going through a hell of a lot that I doubt she understands herself.

Made contact with a lot of people I haven't talked to in a while. Talked with fam in PA...

Good for you. Reach out. I've been amazed out how supportive people have been to me. Use them. You'll need help.

It's like the closer we get the farther she runs the next day

this is key, OL. Don't forget this realization. It's true. Back away from her, give her lots of space. Even if she comes to you and wants to be close, be wary. You don't have to be mean, just don't be too available. Maybe you should stop the massages.

I'm not trying to GAL anymore...I'm just doing it more...its more in how I feel than what I'm actually doing....world of difference, that I didn't get before.

You're learning way too fast!

Good luck

[outtaluck]

Thanks LN...

It is really surprising how supportive my family has been...didn't expect it at all....turns out the same thing happened to my Uncle many years ago, so he really understood what I'm going through.

Haven't had much contact with her today cept her telling me she dropped her phone and it doesn't work anymore....did I mention she had the ringtone Nelly Furtado with the chorus "you don't mean nothing at all to me.." I wanted to smash that phone so many times...this saves me the trouble :-)

She seems really pissy lately...not just with me but everyone...I been keeping my distance...got enough troubles without her extra drama...

Its kinda fun when shes so pissed...almost want to tell her I love her just to watch her flip out :-)

She slept on couch last night so no massage for her....just gives me extra room on the bed....sure I miss her sleeping next to me, but not gonna ask her in.

I put my ring back on today....just for me...missed it...I only took it off for her to take the pressure off....but I'm not the one giving up here...want to remind myself of that as she drifts further away...may take it off again in the future but for now heck with it....almost want to piss her off :-)

Heres the thing thats bugging me today....she been bugging me to tell my best friend about all this...thinks its my place to do so and doesn't want to tell his wife first...He was my best man...I was his... I don't know...this is just so hard for me...I'm crying right now thinking about it...and he's due to call in a little bit...

I think its just the finallity of it all...that yes, for the moment it is over....like it or not...and telling him kinda seals that deal...make any sense.

Its not exactly the kind of thing I want to shout from the rooftops, y'know?

Maybe I just don't want to admit it to myself...I been doing better...just that when I think that of the day it really will end...final day...kaput...thats it...no more.... It still breaks my heart. Kinda looking at the day I move out as that day...

I know, maybe not...maybe seperation will bring us closer....but I just dread that day right now :-(

[LoginName]

OL,
I've found my friends and family to be very supportive, and surprisingly so. Don't be afraid to reach out to people. I was embarrased to admit that I can't keep my W,but it turns out a lot of people are in the same boat and it's not looked down on by most. (warning though, friends and family have their own lives too and sometimes won't have time for you. You need to really rely on yourself most).

she been bugging me to tell my best friend about all this...thinks its my place to do so

Only do it if you want to. She doesn't get to decide. You do. Set your boundaries and only do what you feel comfortable doing.

I think I remember you writing that if you give up the pain it's like losing her and the love. I know that feeling. It's really hard to get over. I think time helps some. The pain isn't the same as the R or the love. You can give up the pain. It takes hard work and some time though.

Separation may or may not bring you closer - I think it will help your peace of mind and give you more space to establish the detachment and do the GALing you need to do. I will be separated in about 3 months too. My separation will be more friendly, but it will still hurt me, but I think it will also give me some space that I need too. And, it will give her some space that she needs. It could be a positive, over time. Have faith. Have faith that you will survive and you can come out of this better than before.

[outtaluck]

Only do it if you want to. She doesn't get to decide. You do. Set your boundaries and only do what you feel comfortable doing.

Thanks for this!! Absolutly right you are... As it turns out he never called anyway, so I'm off the hook for now. I'll tell him when the time is right, but I'm not going out of my way to...


Yesterday did good with the PMA, got alot of things done that I've been putting off. Today not so much... Lot of emotions coming up that I thought I was done with...lot of crying for some reason...even as I'm crying I'm saying to myself "what the heck am I crying about?" ( don't worry...not in front of her...only when she's out the house ) Don't know where this crap is coming from...well I do, but I thought I was dealing better with it all...aparently not. Jeez, its like enough already... can't take it...she doesn't even deserve these tears

I know I miss her. I look at her and think "damn, she looks soooo good!!" I know I need to detach more....I know more of GAL ... How do you do that when your heart still melts for her the same as it has for 20 years? All she has to do is walk in the room and I'm putty in her hands...God, I hate myself for being so weak...

She's made it easy...she's never around really...and when she is I might as well be a ghost...not like I'm getting mixed messages...must be the optimist in me clinging to hope...even thought the rational part knows there is none at this time.


Anyway...sorry...I know its just a bad day...it'll pass... Just wanted to get this out of my head...thinking it would help somehow...

I need a drink or 20

[outtaluck]

For the last few days she's been really going out of her way to avoid me. She seems a little more angry when we do talk about anything (non R related)

Anyway, today she gives me this paper that says "We are verbally seperated" has the date on it and her signature and wants me to sign it. What is this about??

I've been going out of my way to be friendly with her without any R talk of any kind lately. Any tension is on her side. She's been sleeping on the couch lately. No massages or anything.

What should I do? I didn't sign the paper... She may pull the sign it or get out now card though. I told her it would have no legal value anyway as I would say I signed it under duress. (I have no idea what I'm talking about there.) She had to rush out to work. She'll be back soon...maybe..who knows anymore.

What could be the point of this paper? So she doesn't feel like an adultress when she sleeps with her "friend?" She also has a lawsuit from an auto accident coming soon maybe...could that be it? She thinks I might try to get some of that??

I did say I didn't want to sign it because I'm not the one giving up....and that I still love her. She says I'm still a part of her...a part of her???

So, sign or no sign??

Thanks

[LoginName]

Hey OL,
Wish I had more time, or better yet, something better to say. Jeez, I don't know about the paper. Sounds like some of the childishness that MLCers are said to go through. They apparently get pretty crazy.

Maybe you could ask for more details? What does verbally separated mean? You aren't allowed to talk to her? What about comments like, "your pants are on fire" or "the kitchen is radioactive, don't go in there?".

I don't think signing it or not will make much difference, IMHO. WTF? Crazy.

Stick to the plan, like it sounds like you are. No R talk. Detach. Etc. You've got the bed and she has the couch? That sounds positive to me, even if it's not permanent.

Hang in there, friend. I hope to have more time tomorrow to read and write with you.

Don't ask yourself what it means when she says you're still a part of her. Nothing will make sense. Have hope, but don't hang that hope on her or what she says or does. As they say here, believe nothing she says and only half of what she does (I never knew which half).

Hows the GALing coming? Are you finding time to take care of yourself, make yourself happy? Are you finding some detachment and strenght? Even if you only find it for 10 minutes in the day, work on finding that spot where you are strong, in control, and have let go of what you can't control. It's damn hard. Working on it will give you something to do.

ttyl. Luck.