Thanks everybody. The words of comfort really hit the spot. As I was reading your replies I broke down sobbing, which was GOOD, because I have not been able to have a good cathartic cry in all of this, just a throbbing pain. I still need to cry a lot more, but I'm sure the tears will come in their own time.
I know what I need to do: get a life, be strong and confident, don't talk to her about my feelings, don't be needy or desperate, focus on the kids, etc. I'm just so damn physically strung out from not enough sleep, not enough good nutrition, etc. that I am emotionally a wreck and I can't do what I know I need to do. The weather here has been great the past few days and has renewed some of my energy. I have exercised a bit also, but need to do more. I'm 10 weeks post bomb and I need to start getting a grip.
For lots of reasons, I do still believe that she's in MLC. On Friday night she said "I could die tomorrow. I can't stay in ann unhappy marriage." Pretty classic MLC stuff. But I no longer think that MLC translates into much hope for our marriage, except perhaps in the very long run. Her heart has hardened against me totally. She is a stranger to me. And as I've said before, we've been together a long time, but it's been rough, with a lot of conflict. I confess that at times I wonder whether she may just be more realistic about the state of our union than I am.
This would all be unbearable without you friends...so thanks again.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
