Still Alive, V

[fearless]

Hey HD, I wrote this last week and ran it by Raven first. I then forgot to post it for you.

HD: "To her credit, W tried many times to be inclusive/loving toward them (Stepkids), but she often felt betrayed by their habit of telling their mom everything that was going on at my house, and hearing it somehow regurgitated negatively by my ex to W over the phone, or over a phone message, or via email.... Still, if she were able to take things less personally, as she did earlier in the relationship, it would be easier for everyone."


My take: Well this seems a bit natural on her part. It was probably easier to take it less personally when she was not as close to the kids and when the relationship was newer. She may not have thought about it being a permanent way of life.

HD:
One area in particular is the "telling mom what goes on over here" issue. I have told the kids many times, quite clearly, that, unless something is going on at my house that is dangerous, risky, etc., their mother has no business knowing it. They "get it", but continue to tell ex things she has no business knowing. (E.g., that W went to a Buddhist retreat, that me and W were arguing loudly, that W spent money on DD5 but doesn't take them shopping anymore). W tells me that sometimes she feels like she has a house full of "spies" and that she can't relax when they are there. I agree.

My comments:
I am NO expert in Stepkid issues but this one seems obvious to me and I know how Raven and I talk about it. The kids should not be the ones responsible here. You and your wife need to work together to realize this is your XW's issue and figure out how the two of you can handle it. My guess is that your kids feel caught in the middle either direction. So they go the easy route and give their mom what she asks and/or what makes her happy to hear. Then when you and MsHD come down on them, they project ALL of their resentment of being caught in the middle of this mess onto MsHD rather than directing it at their mom. Not too surprising, is it? IMHO, you and MsHD should problem solve TOGETHER. To start this off I would say that you had an epiphany and now think that this is your XW's issue (of whom you have no control over), realize that the kids are frustrated by being put in a position of having to make one or the other parent upset and realize that MsHD has UNFAIRLY BUT NATURALLY borne the brunt of your kid's frustration. This seems like a perfect problem for both of you to resolve TOGETHER.

Maybe because Raven's kids are young it is easier to understand that they have no control. We NEVER ask anything the kids ANYTHING about his XW and new hubby. When they volunteer information, we act uninterested unless it directly involves the kids. However we never tell them not to tell their mom anything. I just assume anything and everything may be spilled to her. In this case she may not ask directly but I certainly would guess that she probably acts interested and gives positive feedback to the kids. Oh well. In the long run, kids are smart and they will see it for what it is worth. That said, it still will not change as they become teenagers because if they get positive reinforcement from XW, then they will continue to give info on us and we cannot do a darn thing about it. At least we will feel like we did the right thing for them and that is peace of mind enough for us.

Edited to add: Just so everyone won't think we are too "goody two shoes", it is annoying to know that everything you do might be told to someone else so we do get some pleasure knowing that some of the info probably annoys her