Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[justbestfriends]

Hi there!
Sounds like a reasonable plan, apart from the fact that you still don't have the level of clarity I know you would like. I think you need to keep doing what you're doing. You're getting on better so it's working. I would say don't push anything, it'll backfire on you. Have a good weekend, my friend, and spend lots of time with your D.

[outtaluck]

How was the weekend LN?

I think you should make the best of the time with family that you can before she goes....don't push for ILY's or anything...just be the great guy you are....give her something to miss, rather than run from. Its gonna go by quick, and she's stressed and excited and all kinds of stuff running through her head...pressure from you at this point might be a bad thing.

And it don't take much for them to feel pressure, do it?

Not that I know what I'm talking about yet....just some stuff that comes to mind.

[LoginName]

You're a natural, said to say. Your advice is right on. Thanks. How was your weekend?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Login,

2 thoughts---first, the OM is not a heck of a guy. Know why? B/C he pursued a married mother of 2. That makes him NOT a heck of a guy. Sorry but you know, after reading All these bb's, I can see that there ARE some absolutes in life. Some things are black and white and some things are just wrong. He was wrong.

2nd--living apart for 2 years. Am on my 20th month of it. H just came for d18's birthday. We are "piecing" I believe, and it looks like I'll join him this summer, with the proviso I can take many "sunshine" visits (he is in Alaska)....but this has been SO hard. And if OM or new OP is in the picture where she is, it's bad news. Also NOT good to split the kids up. Tough if your wife wants D with her. I strongly feel your D should stay with you and not split your children. Just seems weird and wrong to me. What's up with that? Seems to me you'd want to max the time they have remaining, since your son will then be off to college and your wife will miss his last 2 years at home ( as H has with our d18). It's HUGE and HURTFUL and will not feel good to your son. Trust me on that. Plus, your d has a big brother and a father...not with her?

Food for thought. You know your family lots better than I do.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

PS

no matter what/who goes where, etc. Build as many positive memories of time as a family of four, as you can. Just helps all concerned, and gives W more to miss/think of later. Still, why is she picking a job (or why are you?) over staying together? At least until your s graduates? I'm Just not getting it. Sorry
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Login,

just re-read my posts to you. Sorry to be telling you what to do. But since I'm in the middle of a 2 year separation I did not want, it pushed a button. I do think we'll make it. But barely...and to my knowledge, there is no OW. If there were, it'd be over b/c I can barely handle what's on my plate now. Both you and your w will miss their mates.

Don't underestimate how hard this will be. Both of you will miss the other child and both children will miss the other parent...very painful and it's just not time you can make up for later. In my mind, there is simply no job worth that type of stress and pain...but to my H, there is.
wish you the best-
j=

[LoginName]

Thanks J-
Your input is always deeply appreciated. You raise some really good points; mainly the kids.

The kids are doing so well it's scary. They aren't acting out, their grades are good, the teachers have been notified to watch for behaviour problems and report none, friendships are good, the seem happy.... but this has to be hurting them some, doesn't it? Are my W and I hiding things so well (HA!). Do we have their confidence that we are protecting them?

My son is almost 16. He is a teen. He grunts more than speaks, although he's never been verbose. There is a 5 year age difference between him and my D. Obviously, the don't share much in common. It's obvious they love and like each other. It's obvious my D really looks up to my S (almost worships him at times). How will splitting them up affect them? We've asked them how they feel about this plan, and they say it will be sad but they are ok with it. I think my son will be too involved with himself (H.S., sports, driving...) to be too sad or miss mom or sis too much. I espcially worry about D.

Son and I will visit AR as much as is possible. We will call, email, etc, often. I hope it's enough.

As for the OM, I think I've made it a bigger issue than it is. For me it's huge, but I believe my W when she says she has cut off contact and will not contact him again. I have jealusy issues, and self esteem issues over the OM, but I think we're OK. I'm worried about somebody new though coming onto the scene. I hope she's not looking for someone, subconsciously. (maybe I should spell check).

It's hard to see how the distance and separation can be anything but bad for the M, but.... seeing her happy and excited by her new job, hearing her say she wants US to work out, knowing that she needs to do this for her own growth, I think good can come out of it. Lot's of pain, for me at least, but growth and something good in the end.

J, Your sitch is somewhat different. Your H did most of what he did without consulting you. My W said she would not move or take the job if I said No.

I have some hope. I think my odds are at least 50-50.

Now about YOU! I eagerly await a post on your thread where you say what you've decided and why. I've followed your sitch and commented on occasion and really hope for the best for you and yours.

[*KS*Chick*]

bumping -- now if you had said you wanted her to wait till your S was out of school, would she resent it?

[LoginName]

Hey UA,
I've haven't felt much like posting lately. I'm also feeling inadequate as a counselor for others. If you get a chance, check out Outaluck's thread, Valentine's day massacre or words to that affect, under MLC. I'm about the only one posting to him, and he's doing much better than I would be able to. Maybe you can give him some support to?

My S threw us a curve and said he might not mind going to AR. My W said we all could go to AR, but I don't think she really wants that. I think she really wants to go and live by herself (with D)for a while and then see if she misses me. I'll post more later, but the roller coaster is going up and down at the same time.

Hope you're well. I haven't been keeping up with you so much lately. You post more than I can read.

[outtaluck]

Maybe your S thinks that by him needing to stay behind he's helping to split the family and that by going to AR it would help to keep everyone together?? I don't know, just a thought that occured to me....

At least your W wasn't opposed to the idea of all of you going....a fresh start for all of you might be a good thing.

I see a lot of hope here....but I'm not sure my eyesight is correct lately :-)