Congratulations, your wife is having a midlife crisis!
And along with her, you are exhibiting the standard LBS fears.
There is ALWAYS Hope...and MLCers look back at what they are leaving--evntually.
And guess whta! You're ahead of the game. You have a concrete issue that you can begin to change within yourself RIGHT NOW. Your wife was very specific...and frankly I was guessing the same thing at your description of your own feelings.
Quote:
I tried to talk to W about how I was feeling (i.e, overwhelmed)... She said she could not/would not "fix" my feelings. It was not her job any more. She claimed our marriage was all about her fixing my feelings.
That speaks volumes. MAybe it was true, maybe not (my guess is true judging from your own words)...but regardless, it is how she FEELS. Validate those feelings while changing that about yourself.
You cannot fix her and she's tired of taking care of (fixing) you. She wants to be a wife, not a Mommy. So begin showing her your independence. Just like Sweetheart needed to see that I could mow lawn, she needs to see that you can do laundry, cook, do dishes, tie a tie etc and take care of your own feelings.
ANY sign of weakness will send her running further away. And frankly...she's gonna run anyway, so expect and accept that.
MLCers are resolute. They also cycle...some more than others. Some perhaps would not cycle, but the LBS makes changes and the MLCer is pulled back to that attractive force before he/she is ready--thus she goes away again.
Quote:
I know in my head I have to let go, but in my heart I am not yet capable of doing it.
The first thing we're gonna do is change your language. Not yet capable is just a verbose can't. Remove that sort of thing from your vocabulary. You CAN and you WILL if you so CHOOSE. Cause whther you think you can or you think you can't...you're right.
Which would you rather be right about in this situation?
So you love your wife and are attached to her. Join the club...You are a wonderful and loving husband. You can be attached to a person through love while remaining independent. Your emotions and feelings are yours. They are controlled and created by none other than YOU. Your actions and choices are also your own.
Validate your wife's feelings. Validation is NOT agreement. You can validate her feeling that a divorce is needed or the only way while openly disagreeing and contesting.
Sure she'll get pissed. But anger is MLC norm--especially at this early stage. Anger is fish-bait, so unless you have a fondness for worms...DON'T BITE. Your job when confronted with Anger is to remain calm..."I'm sorry you feel that way."
Your next job is to believe. Beleive in yourself...not in the spewed MLC venom she is spouting. Beleive in your wife...the real person hurting inside the Monster.
And then learna bout MLC. Because YES, sorry, but it will get worse. She will leave and run further from you. Sadly, that's how this works. Your job is to be forgiving, unconditionally loving and nonjudgmental. It's a tough job...you not exactly being God and all.
If you don't wnat a divorce...CONTEST. I used "I do not believe in divorce."
By taking that moral ground rather than simply stating that I didn't WANT a divorce Sweetheart had no argument..he tried, but arguing with a belief is wasted energy. I validated his need for a divorce...said contesting was not retaliatory or a personal vengenace, but I was doing what I felt best and I also understood he was doing what he felt best...and I acknowledged to him that we just happened to disagree on what we thought was best.
So before I go on...what do you want and what are you going to do about it?
Do you want to save your marriage...AND are you going to STAND. I'm not asking because you should or shouldn't...but because I need to know where to go next with you regarding whether you are a Stander or not.
It's not over. IT's not over if Uncle Sam is under the impression it's over--who is he God? NO!
