Saying "nice azz" when you're with another woman/girl, is indeed disrespectful, even if there is no "evil intention" behind it. He was right to apologize. You cried? Ya big baby. That's okay, too.
My insecurity was MY problem. It is NOT his job to make ME feel better by NOT being Who He Is.
Agreed, but then he may not have known how you would take his comment, and if he had known, he might have rephrased it, or maybe not said it at all. That would be out of compassion for you. Which would you prefer? (The discussion over this could go on for days.)
Once the cat was out of the bag, then I agree that boundaries need to come into play and each person needs to deal with his/her own hurt feelings. But if you can become more empathic and knowledgeable of each other, each may be able to avoid hurting feelings in the first place.
He can say, "wow, I'm so sorry you feel that way, I'm sorry you are feeling hurt," but to change his behavior to PLACATE my insecurity and jealousy is begging for trouble.
Yep, that just loops right back into a form of enmeshment, doesn’t it? Where does the circle stop?
I don't think people should necessarily go out of their way to try and make somone feel bad, or to poke at their insecurities. I think that is rude and disrespectful.
Yes…. A little common sense on the part of BOTH people.
I think I would be better off if I did like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News. Just cry routinely to start the day to get it out so it doesn't just slip out!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
HD I think "objectification" is just part of the issue. What seems to be missing is your wifes "subjectification" of sexual desire, that is getting in touch with her sexual desires and owning and exploring it in for herself. So you may look at her like a " sexual object " because frankly she isn't acting like a " sexual subject".
Burgbud: I couldn't have said it better. As Kristen Johnston, from "Third Rock From the Sun" said, (and I'm paraphrasing), "they (boobs) seem to have a strange power over men. And their power increases when they collide."
Hmmm....my personal take on the matter obviously influenced by my own personal experience is that I am more than willing to be accepting of the fact that a man with whom I'm partnered might be aroused by the sight of another woman's cleavage, *zz, legs etc. (visual stuff doesn't necessarily do it for me but I'm quite capable of being aroused by the sound or words of another man) but I guess I draw the line at having a partner who NEEDS the sight of another woman's cleavage, *zz, legs etc. IN ORDER to be aroused. Me needs some validation.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
HD I think "objectification" is just part of the issue. What seems to be missing is your wifes "subjectification"
I think alot of women don't understand "objectification" because they don't experience it themselves. Many, many women simply don't appreciate male bodies. I mean, they might appreciate the fact that their H looks handsome in a suit but they don't have that lioness/monkey urge to bite his bicep or grab his *ss or see his c*ck transcend the horizontal plane. (Clearly you guys just need to kick me off the BB and not let me come back until I manage to get laid.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Agreed, but then he may not have known how you would take his comment, and if he had known, he might have rephrased it, or maybe not said it at all. That would be out of compassion for you. Which would you prefer? (The discussion over this could go on for days.)
Absolutely. And I think we are in essence saying the same thing. However, part of my tizzy was an attempt at control... who the he!! am I to say how a person should or should not feel?
This underscores my point in why I think boundaries are so important. He feels the way he feels. I can deal with it or not. Does he have to shove it in my face? No. But for him not to talk about it, if he wanted or needed to, and he feels he cannot because he doesn't know if that is going to send me into a 'tizzy' or not... I just don't think that is in any way healthy.
I don't know, I think I am taking this to the nth degree. I guess I am because these boundary issues keep coming into play for me, and I am learning a lot about myself.
Heather: Wasn't feeling defensive, just beating my point with a stick, I think.
Hey HD, I wrote this last week and ran it by Raven first. I then forgot to post it for you.
HD: "To her credit, W tried many times to be inclusive/loving toward them (Stepkids), but she often felt betrayed by their habit of telling their mom everything that was going on at my house, and hearing it somehow regurgitated negatively by my ex to W over the phone, or over a phone message, or via email.... Still, if she were able to take things less personally, as she did earlier in the relationship, it would be easier for everyone."
My take: Well this seems a bit natural on her part. It was probably easier to take it less personally when she was not as close to the kids and when the relationship was newer. She may not have thought about it being a permanent way of life.
HD: One area in particular is the "telling mom what goes on over here" issue. I have told the kids many times, quite clearly, that, unless something is going on at my house that is dangerous, risky, etc., their mother has no business knowing it. They "get it", but continue to tell ex things she has no business knowing. (E.g., that W went to a Buddhist retreat, that me and W were arguing loudly, that W spent money on DD5 but doesn't take them shopping anymore). W tells me that sometimes she feels like she has a house full of "spies" and that she can't relax when they are there. I agree.
My comments: I am NO expert in Stepkid issues but this one seems obvious to me and I know how Raven and I talk about it. The kids should not be the ones responsible here. You and your wife need to work together to realize this is your XW's issue and figure out how the two of you can handle it. My guess is that your kids feel caught in the middle either direction. So they go the easy route and give their mom what she asks and/or what makes her happy to hear. Then when you and MsHD come down on them, they project ALL of their resentment of being caught in the middle of this mess onto MsHD rather than directing it at their mom. Not too surprising, is it? IMHO, you and MsHD should problem solve TOGETHER. To start this off I would say that you had an epiphany and now think that this is your XW's issue (of whom you have no control over), realize that the kids are frustrated by being put in a position of having to make one or the other parent upset and realize that MsHD has UNFAIRLY BUT NATURALLY borne the brunt of your kid's frustration. This seems like a perfect problem for both of you to resolve TOGETHER.
Maybe because Raven's kids are young it is easier to understand that they have no control. We NEVER ask anything the kids ANYTHING about his XW and new hubby. When they volunteer information, we act uninterested unless it directly involves the kids. However we never tell them not to tell their mom anything. I just assume anything and everything may be spilled to her. In this case she may not ask directly but I certainly would guess that she probably acts interested and gives positive feedback to the kids. Oh well. In the long run, kids are smart and they will see it for what it is worth. That said, it still will not change as they become teenagers because if they get positive reinforcement from XW, then they will continue to give info on us and we cannot do a darn thing about it. At least we will feel like we did the right thing for them and that is peace of mind enough for us.
Edited to add: Just so everyone won't think we are too "goody two shoes", it is annoying to know that everything you do might be told to someone else so we do get some pleasure knowing that some of the info probably annoys her
Last edited by fearless; 03/26/0708:55 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
That's okay, too.