Had a mediation session this morning after another night of only 4 hours sleep. Not surprisingly, it went badly. Although we are in mediation, my wife (and her lawyer) have decided she needs to have a signed custody agreement before she can move out. We have already paid 2 months rent on an apartment. As a result, she will file for divorce any day now.
The mediation was horrible. I was angry and tired and sad and desperate all at once. W now wants to file for divorce so she can have an enforceable custody agreement. We spent an hour bickering and making little progress. Then after the mediation, I tried to talk to W about how I was feeling (i.e, overwhelmed). She sat with me for a few minutes but would not make eye contact and was very cold. She said she could not/would not "fix" my feelings. It was not her job any more. She claimed our marriage was all about her fixing my feelings. I told her I was distraught, etc. She did not care. I asked her what the last 22 years had meant, and she said she was not going to talk about that. The interaction left me feeling totally pathetic and desperate with no self esteem.
I think my wife likes seeing me like this. I think our marriage was a power struggle, and by divorcing me, she wins the ultimate power.
I think there is no hope for my marriage. I know in my head I have to let go, but in my heart I am not yet capable of doing it. I try, but I am still attached to her. She has been part of my life so long it's like she's part of my body. I am really struggling to let her go. I wish I could because then I would not be in so much pain. I pray every day for the strength to let her go.
I have been holding out hope that this is midlife crisis and that she may someday wake and return, but I have never seen her so resolute. She does not love me she says. The love eroded slowly over many years. How did we let that happen, I ask myself?!?
It keeps getting worse, and the kids don't even know yet. I wonder how bad this gets.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George