I didn't enter into the convo to prove that the old Hairdog is back, but, once there, I'm not going to slide back into comfortable non-confrontational all-men-objectify-except-me-because-you-taught-me-better mode.
Right on. HD, I think you're just a spectacular guy. I don't want you to feel like I was jumping all over you for one little comment and GEL is right, it was not inappropriate per se. You're doing fine. Just consider that you might not want to go there again, lol
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I'm with Heather on one side of this issue. Logically, Corri is right, that “just because HD admires a woman does not mean he is going to go 'do' her. He's honest in his appreciation. His actions of being 'faithful' to his wife is respecting her.” However, that does not take into account how a less secure person might feel about such comments. In fact, those feelings of jealousy can crop up in the best of us.
Case in point…Corri, wasn’t it a similar comment from your bf that sent you into a tizzy? Even though that incident seemed to be your issue, it didn’t make you feel any better. I still think your ideas should be a goal, but we “not ready for prime-time functionality players” are not quite there yet. Insecurity and jealousy are still real issues in a recovering R.
The other side that I see is MrsHD is a walking contradiction in so many ways. Part of HD’s struggle with standing up for himself involves disarming her one-way rules. MrsHD’s comments about male dancers sounds familiar. My wife does this too and defends her comments by saying it is different for women because women only think guys are cute and not sexual. Comments from men about women always have sexual undertones, so those are not acceptable.
Yeah, BS, I know, and I tell her so. But the bigger reason I speak up is that it forces her to consider my POV and start to think things over, about how it makes me feel, rather than just letting her rattle on with her entitled feminist thinking. Knowing that you hurt someone’s feelings is required to develop empathy. So let them know.
HD,
Yep, sounds like your W tries to make the same BS fly that mine does. I don’t make comments about other women. If she makes comments about men, I call her on it, for the above reasons. When she protests, I just tell her that is what I am, stop telling me how to be a man. I like what I like.
As for that Magic Wand, don’t rule that thing out too soon. It can be addicting. As for the book, the table of contents seem to bee only reinforcing the history of female subjugation (I know Lil, don’t judge the book until you read it). Has she ever been willing to read any relationship books?
Corri might feel comfortable moving if her bf wants to look at someone else's legs.
He has never once asked me to move so he can have a better view. I do that. I did not ask him to have the waiter come over to say hello to me. He did it.
Case in point…Corri, wasn’t it a similar comment from your bf that sent you into a tizzy? Even though that incident seemed to be your issue, it didn’t make you feel any better.
Yep. But if he did not draw a boundary... then I would now be in a position to control his actions, wouldn't I? My insecurity was MY problem. It is NOT his job to make ME feel better by NOT being Who He Is. He can say, "wow, I'm so sorry you feel that way, I'm sorry you are feeling hurt," but to change his behavior to PLACATE my insecurity and jealousy is begging for trouble.
I don't think people should necessarily go out of their way to try and make somone feel bad, or to poke at their insecurities. I think that is rude and disrespectful. But when it comes up... like it did with HD, like it did with my bf... neither one of them did what they did with mal-intent. But once out... neither one apologized for it, either. To do so would be to back off on Who They Are.
Ok, UNCLE, lol. Corri, I certainly didn't mean to make you defensive about YOUR experience.
Like I said, no one is right or wrong in this debate. You just gotta be considerate of your partner. We all already know that, but it is sometimes too easy to stop being considerate because there are instances where it is so CLEAR that your partner shouldn't feel the way they feel....right? Wrong. That's all I was trying to say.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I'll be damned if I'm going to go all sensitive-guy and deny it.
I hope you do not think I have advocated that in any way because I do not.
I appreciate hearing that it just slipped out because that makes MUCH more sense to the context.
This is completely embarrassing but for the sake of y'all I will throw it out there for dissection. MANY years ago while XH and I were students, we were driving around OSU campus and XH looked at a girl walking by and commented "nice azz." I can't believe I am admitting this but I immediately teared up. I didn't say anything I just reacted emotionally at feeling hurt, disrespected, who knows, i didn't. Anyway XH looked at me and asked what was wrong. I said I didn't know and then he apologized because he said felt he had been too comfortable with blurting that out. I told him he didn't have to apologize that i was just being sensitive (plus I know I was embarrassed). There was no argument or anything. SO my question in that case was there a right or wrong? XH did not mean to hurt me. I certainly did not cry on purpose. Is there something wrong with me for feeling hurt? I didn't and don't blame XH for that feeling but I still felt it. The thing about me is that I will openly name and discuss my feelings which sounds all well and good unless you aren't used to that and feel uncomfortable, manipulated, controlled, etc.
I bring this up because what about women (or men) if feel this emotional reaction and rather than just state what they feel decide to hide behind some theories or facts to protect themselves. Not saying that is what MsHD does but just supposing some women do. Instead of telling their H they feel inadequate, etc., they lash out with accusations to protect themselves. Just a theory.
Last edited by fearless; 03/26/0707:27 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
