Me - 27, H - 29, Married - 2.5 years, Together - Almost 8 years, no kids, 1 very cute dog.
My H has been having a EA for a while now and I think I just accepted this to be true over the weekend. Don't know why but it hit me like a ton of bricks! Since I have found out about the A I have been making excuses for him as to why he was doing it and never really accepted that he was in fact having a A. I have a thread under Newcomers titled "Trying to Hang in There" but decided to post my sitch under this section as well since I have recently come to the realization that my H has/is being unfaithful to me. So here goes...
My H has been having EA with his ex-girlfriend since at least this time last year. I found out about it this past September by looking at his call records. I confronted him, he admitted it. Said they are just friends and that he was not going to stop talking to her. After I found out I was shocked ~ this is so out of my H character. I stayed with a friend for a few days to think and decided I wanted to work this out. When I returned H told me he did not miss me and that he did not love me and that he was going to file for a D after the holidays or I could file for a D myself before then. I opted not to file and try to stay and work things out (like everyone here I am very committed to my marriage) So the months that followed that conversation were up and down. Things would be good and my H would be putting a lot of effort into our R, it would be great, and then he would realize it and turn into a jerk and stay that way for a couple of days. Then the whole cycle would start again.
So after the holidays H told me he was unhappy and he was going to file for a D. Then about a week later he told me he was going to file for a separation instead and he was doing this to make it easier on me. He met with a lawyer who sent me a letter to indicate my H's interest in filing for a separation. Before I received the letter H agreed to go to C together as long as I moved out of the house and gave him some space. He also agreed to date weekly. Since I had no choice but to get a lawyer to respond to his, I retained one who sent my H a letter stating I would agree to move out on the condition that he would go to C. My H signed off on that indicating he would so I moved in with one of my friends. H and I did go to C for 6 sessions but he really did not contribute much and the C said there was not much she could do to help us if he did not want the marriage. So we stopped going together (I go for IC still). Also, we never really went on dates. H always had a reason why he could not get together or something always came up. Looking back at the sitch it seems H only agreed to all of this to get me out of the house. At the time I really felt he was sincere and never questioned that this was his motive.
So as far as the OW is concerned throughout the time we were living together he did not stop communicating with her but he did insist the whole time to me that they were just friends and nothing more. He went out of his way to make sure I believed this and at the time I did. Then a week after I moved out he flew to her city to see her for the weekend (she lives about 6 hours away from us). He did not tell me this but he was acting shady about his weekend plans so when I confronted him about it he admitted it. He swore nothing physical happened. I don't know if I believe him. A few weeks after that he told me he thought he had feelings for her and that he needed to explore those feelings because they have a history together. At that time his plan was to continue a R with her. As far as I know the relationship continues to this day. I have stopped snooping and confronting him about it which has helped me to deal with this tremendously!
It has been 2 months since I moved out and there have not been any changes. My H told me 3 weeks ago that he filed the separation agreement and that I would be getting the paperwork soon, which I never did. I spoke with him yesterday about some business related stuff and he worked into the conversation that he filed the paperwork and I should get it this week. So I am expecting that and day now.
The whole sitch is pretty messed up. My H recently told me has been unhappy for a year but never mentioned or acted that way to me before I found out about his EA. I have also heard all the other comments WAS tend to make from my H. The most hurtful ones have been "I settled for you, I never loved you like a H should love their W and I never will, & you forced me to marry you." Also, he has told me he loves the OW before but has taken it back. My thoughts on the sitch are that my H feels a extreme amount of guilt over what he has done and the huge amount of hurt and pain he has caused me that he sees no other option for resolving this then to separate. Also I am sure the continued R with the OW does not help any.
Previous to reading DB & DR I did all the wrong things, begging, pleading, crying ~ everything! I have since stopped and decided going dark was the best option for me. So I went dark on 3/12. Our conversations have been minimal and only when he contacts me (usually house/finance related). Every time we talk I am very pleasant. He always seems to try and start an argument with me which I do not feed into and that seems to frustrate him. When he does this I continue being pleasant and get off of the phone first. Our most recent contact was yesterday which consisted of 3 phone calls. The first 2 he was a complete a$$ and then the last one he called to apologize for the way he was acting. I don't expect to hear from him again for a while now. I have been pretty good about staying dark and I plan on keeping it up. In the meantime I have been GAL and trying to keep my PMA up.
Any thoughts, advice, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Feel free to ask any questions I may have left some stuff out on accident! Also, sorry this is so long ~ I will try to make future posts shorter !
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