It's time to pull out of the rut

[brueniap]

Geeze Jeanette - I look thru the threads and see mine has been found and was taken totally by surprise. So I read your post to me and think "what the heck is she referring to?" It's been so long since I've had my thread out to post on it. So I began searching thru it and found what I had written. It was good for me to re-read some stuff.

AND IWB - thank you for coming by. Looks like you're the one who dragged out my thread again. I haven't been feeling much like posting - don't feel I have too much to offer - tho I forget that the journaling part of it is for me and to watch my growth.

The growth changes from day to day. It is good when they say we should not conduct our lives according to how we are "feeling" because that changes all the time. Talk about wacky!

Right now I'm in a mode where I really don't care that much about H. I'm sure that I don't mean that somewhere deep down - and I know I'm learning how to balance somehow. I'm actually content to NOT have H around - it's too draining. When he's here he needs 100% of my attention - like when he's using the computer. He hates them.......the computer is a very frustrating machine for him - this is one thing that his accident did to him - his patience is nil - so I have to be at his beck and call to help him with it...or listen to the new songs he's written.....or stop and fix him lunch or dinner etc. I don't work when he's here......but since he doesn't give me money but on a rare occasion - I HAVE TO WORK and I have all 3 of my jobs that need my attention. This is what has been frustrating. Sure - maybe he feels he can do whatever he wants while he's finding himself.......I can't totally follow suit. I'm trying to find my way here as a single woman - I still have bills and an old farm house and huge yard to tend to.

H doesn't have to do any of that any more - he walked out on it. And that's fine. I'm certainly quite used to it by now and am ok.........but I need to continue on. So that's where I am right now. He only has one more month left on his lease (it was a 13 month lease) - I actually fear that he might want to have some place to hang til he can take off and sing around the country. To me this will not be acceptable - since he has not really taken time to figure out what he wants to do with a relationship. If you don't want to be a husband/wife team - then for heaven's sake - don't come back here.

There is no "I" in t-e-a-m. We've all heard that before. Tho H is mild mannered in all of this........he still is huge into the I, I, I, and Me, Me, Me - big time. I haven't heard him talk about anything but himself in years - but especially since he left. It's so BORING.......so NON-LIFE.......this is not what I want to get back into. I got debts I owe and people who need me and things I want to give back to the people who have cared for me over the years.

So......that's where I am. Unlike all who are pining away for their spouses - I just want to be left alone right now til some major things get taken care of - as you all know - my debt. This is very important to me. I have no way to pay it off without busting my a#@ working. This past week I have begun to wake up and pull myself out of the slump I've been in. Clearing out the clutter that's keeping me from doing what's important. A solid week of busting my butt. Work has been coming back - orders for my shop have begun again - people are starting to call me again to get their flowers preserved and arranged. One small dime at a time - this is my mission.

I need to find how to balance H with all this. The fact is - I am a responsible person - and would prefer to remain that way. I feel there must be a way to pat H on the back and still remain responsible at the same time.

that's where I am folks......for whatever that's worth.


brue