Making the leap - Hopefully wount Jinx it!

[limbo]

IHH, Boy have you hit the nail on the head!
I think that a huge part of me wount let me be happy, and truly believe that there is nothing lurking around the corner waiting to pounce!
So many times in the last few months we have been hit and hard, and now when they truly are coming around, we still believe its to good to be true.
Maybe now we try to sabatoge things so we wount be hurt again. Because I know if I continue to act this way then things will start to go backwards and then it will end.
And sometimes I just not sure what I want, I wonder if I am in some ways becoming a WAW?

[InHisHands]

Oh! Me, too! I almost came back here about a month ago to post in the "Help, I'm thinking of leaving" forum and, honestly, if it wasn't for this cancer scare I may have left already. I've heard that most marriages that suffered from infidelity aren't ended by the WAS, most of them are ended by the BS. I didn't believe that was a threat for us, I was SO sure of my commitment, but now . . . you know.

Honestly, this process really totally changed me and I know my mistakes and I know that I'm a good person and I know that I'm a good wife and now I wonder why I should give that to someone who couldn't stand by me when things got rough. I'm supposed to "forgive" him, but he couldn't even forgive me of the little mistakes I was making that made him feel justified in what he did. Keep in mind, I was in the same miserable marriage he was in, he was making his share of mistakes but I chose to overlook them and keep believing in our marriage. I sometimes feel like I've already done more than my share of forgiving. I'm also supposed to trust him, but he couldn't trust me enough to let me know that he had already ended the marriage in his mind and in his life.

I guess what really keeps me hanging on is that I can't really imagine life without him. There are so many wonderful things about being with him that I know I won't feel with anyone else . . . sure, there's a lot of hurt & anger and confusion, but there's also a lot of love and warmth. He never protected me because I never let him really know how much I needed to feel safe. Now he protects me, now he comforts me, now he shows me how he feels. He never was strong for me because he always believed I was strong enough for both of us. Now he sees my weaknesses and offers me his strength.

Like I said, I can't really give any advice, but I can tell you to hang in there. We've fought our WAS's, we've fought the OW, now we're fighting ourselves and I'm pretty sure it's the hardest battle we'll ever face. Let's just promise to stick it out as long as we can without totally losing ourselves in the process. I'm in if you are!

[cat03]

true, lot s of times there is no healing because of the LBS's inability to move on and to make the past seem worse than it actually was.

I prob mention this book to you gals, but here it goes again: "healing the hurt in your marriage". It is a great book for people very hurt and who are trying to start over and who can't seem to forgive and move forward.

It seems impossible, but you CAN train your brain to stop going down the path of doom and hurt. With will power and w/replacing bad memories w/new you can leave the past behind, and are able to love like you haven't been hurt.

Remember Abraham and Sara? at almost 100 yrs old they both thought it was impossible to bear children. So God started first by changing their names, Abram became Abraham (father of all nations) and Sara became Sarai (mother of all nations). They were to call each other that well before they actually had Issac.
So here you have 2 very old childless, seemingly infertile people calling each other "mother" and "father" of nations. It had to begin in their minds, they had to have the right mindset before they were to become parents. Same w/us, it seems impossible now, but we must set our minds and act positively to then see results.

Let me post a bit of a great paragraph about working and rebuilding a M from the book I mentioned above:
"Nehemiah faced resistance continually throughout his project in Jerusalem. He had many enemies who did not want to see the wal rebuilt. They tried to stip up the peole against him, planting doubts in their minds...So when you set out to rebuild your marriage, be aware that the enemy will be there to discourage and deter you. It is specially difficult when such comments come from family members or close friends.

"The Jews in Nehemiah's day experienced plenty of doubt:"then the people of Judah began to complain that the owrkers were becoming tired,. There was so much rubble to be removed that we could never get it done by ourselves.

"Then Nehemiah had the people do an amazing thing: 'from then on, only half my men worked while the other half stood guard with spears, shields, bows, and coats of mail...The common laboreres carried on their work with one hand supporting their load and one hand holding a weapon. All the builders had a sword belted to their side.

"What an incredible response! No throwing in the tower for this wall-builder. He instruced the people to work with one hand and to defend themselves with the other.

"This passage of the Bible is so relevant to us today. When you are restoring your marriage R, you need to work hard and persevere when times get tough. You need to confront your doubts, realize they are not from God, and pray pray pray. At the same time, you need to be on the alert to defent your M from future attacks. Never let down your guard. Stand agaisnt anyting and everything that threatens to tear down what you are building up"

[limbo]

It is so true what you say, its nice to see it put into words like you have!
I wish my H was as supportive, he is a good man, and that why i hung in, but he is in some ways a selfish man, well thats obvious or he wouldn't have had the A, but what I mean is that he can't really see the pain and anguish, and doesn't really want to talk about the whole situation, and this worries me, and why I think its important that we get some marriage counselling, because I don't think that its healthy to pretend that nothing has happened.
But I just don't know how to bring it up

[limbo]

I haven't posted for awhile, but now feel the need.

I just don't know what to do, yesterday h could tell i wasn't happy and kept pushing and finally told him, told him that I am struggling with the trust, and that what I need to help me through this is for him to be honest and open about everything.
Well he got really angry, told me to go live with my Mother, told me he still thinks about killing himself, stuff like that.
Then last night while I was looking at his computer, while he was there I noticed he has a menu bar with favorites at the top on one of them was a personals link!
He says he loves me and says he wants this to work however just isn't willing to make the effort! And I just don't know if I want or can continue like this.
He just doesn't get the importance of honesty! and I just can't understand this, I don't know what to do.

[limbo]

My question is how do we keep the faith? How do we know what we are doing is the right thing?
I am now not sure of my feelings, I don't know if this is just a stage that we go through after all the hurt, or whether something has just gone.
I am sticking it out for now, but its hard, I think I have detached from him feeling wise, and just dealing with my own issues, and how they are making me feel.
I just don't seem to be getting better with the trust issue, its getting worse and I am not sure why!
I just want to feel safe, and as happy as I can be in my life

[cat03]

the hurt of the bomb is too fresh, no one, specially your H can expect you to trust him. Love and trust have to be build up again from level one. It took me about 7mths to stop thinking negatively, to check on his stuff to make sure he wasnt' looking into leaving, being w/someone. I declared it a victory a month ago that I could go by his car without snooping and wondering what he might have there.

Sounds like he is pretty broken (my H still is too), suicide thoughts are never to be ignored (my H had depression and I read you never ignore those kind of comments)
Your H doesn't know what to do w/himself, isnt' whole and can't offer you much now.
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ts important that we get some marriage counselling, because I don't think that its healthy to pretend that nothing has happened.
But I just don't know how to bring it up
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I think now would be a great time to bring it up. I was also anti-C, thought it was extreme and that we didnt' need it (before my H left).
JUST DO IT. Find a councelor, make an appt, call TODAY. Mention to your H that you think you both need a 3rd party to be able to talk without attacking each other. Without being pushy, let him know when is the session, and tell him you'll like him to attend, that you'll be going anyways.

[limbo]

For some reason, that's exactly what he does expect, I really think he feels that I should be trusting him! I am not sure if he is kidding himself, or just can't except what he has done and doesn't want to face the fall out!
I do take was he says seriously, but then I also wonder if he threw that out there cause he knows I will back off! Its so very hard to trust any of his words or actions! I think this is why I struggle so much.
I did mention marriage counselling, he wasn't very enthused but did say he will go, I do plan this week to make an appointment with someone and let him know and see what happens.

[limbo]

I don't know if I am expecting to much or what, maybe someone can tell me if they feel the same way.
And maybe I am just repeating myself, but I just feel like h is pretending, that he is waiting for something else better to come along, but then I think he couldn't be that evil to do that to me, the kids, our family, who are all now working under the assumption that we are working on it and it will be fine.
He seems fine, and tells me he loves me daily, we cuddle often and go out weekly.
However he doesn't "talk" to me, doesn't tell me how he is feeling, what he wants, you know that kind of thing, now he has never really been one for talking, however with everything that's gone on he must realize the importance of this.
Should I be satisfied with what I have right now and just stop worrying?
Am I being mean to him by not trusting, always expecting the worse to happen, and I guess the worst from him?
We are going away in the summer and this is all that he is focused on, and a tiny part of me worries, that once we are back he will leave then, as he really wants the holiday and I know he doesn't want to be the one responsible for the kids dissappointment, but again could he be that evil, and to me thats what it would be, to string me along, tell me he loves me and he wants the marriage to work.
Am I now just looking for things that just aren't there?

[cat03]

However he doesn't "talk" to me, doesn't tell me how he is feeling, what he wants, you know that kind of thing, now he has never really been one for talking, however with everything that's gone on he must realize the importance of this.
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If in the past he wasnt the kind to talk feelings, much less now. Men's language isn't talking about feelings, you are assuming too much ("he must..") He IS doing the best he can but each time you want more and more and not looking and appreciating what's there, he'll end up feeling he isnt' doing enough when what he is giving you is the best he can for now. I mean this in the best way: LET THE MAN BE. CALM DOWN.

My H had to tell me this so many times when I tearfully ask him why he didn't do this and that for me, he'd tell me to CALM DOWN, that we were getting there, but that I needed to stop freeting .

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Am I being mean to him by not trusting,
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No, I think you are hurt and your trust will build up layer by layer WITH TIME.

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always expecting the worse to happen, and I guess the worst from him?
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This feeling with undermine any progress you guys might be making, you need to stop waiting for the worst in him. Yes, he's messed up, but you have chosen to give hm a second chance, give him a break, fight the negative thoughts.

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and a tiny part of me worries, that once we are back he will ...
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You are full of fear. STOP. If he leaves, then good riddance-- but that is an unlikely scenario your scared mind is making up. I've done the same, wondering if my H came back out of convenience, just to get his 8K debt paid, etc etc.
You need to clear your mind of ASSumptions and just free yourself to love him and trust him.