Other things that make me mad! That I worry about him making good choices and staying safe. Two years ago around this my husband went on a huge drinking binge (under the watchful "supervision" of his friends and his 57 year old friend). He ended up so drunk that he passed out in a bathroom and had to be physcially carried out of the bar, put in a car and driven to his 57 year olds friend's house, be carried into the house.
And I worry that he is doing that again. I am so worried about this b/c my XH has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, anxiety disorder and is on MULTIPLE medications to control all these things, plus mix in his use of pot and heavy drinking I just worry that something bad will happen to him.
And what makes me ever angrier is that his friends will sit by and watch this happen. He is 28 years old, he has enough medical issues without doing STUPID things.
And it makes me feel ever more responsible when he does it. Because I know he is drinking and doing this to try to forget me, and forget and escape from his life. (A life that I feel I was supposed to make better and happier.)
I know in reality it isn't my fault at all. But I still worry. I want him to be safe.
Sorry...I think this time of year just stirs up all these emotions and not having contact with him, to make sure he is okay, just makes me even more "crazy".
OH well just one more milestone coming up before I have a break for anniversaries. I will be divorced one year in June, well then in July there would be what would have been our 5th anniversary! (God that makes me sad that my marriage didn't even last 5 years!)
just a quick a note. I am just checking in. I will reply back more tomorrow. Tonight is my night. going out with the girls from work and then meeting H for dinner and a movie. My younger sister offered to take my D's over night so my H and I can have some time... It is great... I am going to have a good time and not worry about all of this crap going on... I want to have a good night.
I hope you do to... I will check in with you soon.
LOVE YOU and take care Tab
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
My heart dropped a little tonight. I know I should not "snoop" but when I am out and about I do drive by where my H generally spends him time. He wasn't there. While this is not TOTALLY unusal it does make me raise a flag.
I know he has dated in the past and I know he will in the future. I guess I just got comfortable with him not dating these past couple of months. And I know it will happen, and that it probably HAS to happen for him to realize what he is missing in me and how wonderful I really am. BUt it is still hard to think about your XH/H cuddled up holding someone else. Or god forbid sleeping with someone else. Or being tender loving and caring to someone else.
That is what gets me. That is what I wanted loved and craved from him. Those were the nights that I lived for. And while I have seen him grow in the past 6 months I also know my XH. And while the first 3 montsh with him can be great and wonderful he can't sustain that level of attention on the other person. He wants that other person to be there for him. He wants to have attention and affection lavished on him on his time frame. And I know "most" women in this world expect more. Most women and more of a "prima donna" than me. Most women want to be taken care of and snuggled with and wonderful things done for them. And as much as I love my husband and would take him back in a heartbeat. That isn't my XH. He is much more of a taker. ANd really I don't think ANY amount of time will really change that.
If he is dating someone, may this be a quick phase where he realizes that the "grass isn't greener" and that he gave up/pushed away something that is WONDERFUL!.
I keep trying to put a postive light on this because if I don't I will crumble into a pile of mush. I just have to think that this HAS to be part of the process. That he needs to see the other side of the coin.
So God, if you are listening, please try to help my XH through this phase quickly to get him moving back toward me please!
Is it bad and does it say more about me our about my XH when....
I think about him and I wonder who else will really want him? He isn't the most handsome man around. He is cute in his own way, but he is 28 and balding. He isn't fit. He smokes like a chimney (something he started up again after he left me). He spends all of his time with a 57 year old woman. He likes to sit at home and rather than watch tv will "play" on the computer. EIther just looking random things up, or playing computer games (He hooked his computer up to his TV so he can use the huge Tv as his monitor.) He lays down on a futon and was happiest here when we had a queen size mattress in our living room for him to lay on. He MUST be laying down when on a couch preferably with his feet on your lap. SPeaking of his feet their are likes hooves of a horse. They are so rough and "nasty" they he ruined a set of silk sheets b/c his feet snagged them. He HATES to go to movies and has VERY little patience for watching movies. He watchs a VERY OLD SciFi shows as he is falling asleep every night and he listens to it VERY loudly. He SNORES VERY LOUDLY!!! He is always moving as he is trying to fall asleep. He is a "night mouth breather". He isn't a cuddler as you fall asleep. His back rubs stink at best. He rarely calls back when he says he will. Things need to run on HIS timeline and not yours. He doesn't like to go out to dinner and have to wait ANY longer than 10 mins.
So my question is... is it sad for him that he has all these flaws that really don't make him that attractive to the opposite sex? Or is to a pathetic statement about me, that despite all of the "flaws" that I still love him to pieces and would take him back in an instant?
I guess I am just a sucker for the nerdy needy guys! And as much as his snoring drove me up a wall.. I miss it. I miss him.
Question for today.... For the past 9 years I have made an Easter basket for my XH. With Easter approaching I am curious as to what I should do. Obviously given the recent decision on his part to have no communication with me the actually basket is a no. But what about a simple e-mail or text message wishing me a happy easter and enjoyable time with his family. Is that still pushing? Or is that okay? It is what I would normally do for any friend. My heart says it is the right thing to do, but I know it will creep him out a little. But almost anytime I am kind to him it creeps him out he expects me to hate him and want nothing to do with him. SOrry buddy I don't walk away that easily.
If he e-mails or texts me is it alright to respond?
R2, ok, as for your question of the day! If it has been something you have done in the past, it only seems normal for you to do. but with everything else going on, giving him space as he requested may just be the trick.
Sending a text or something, I am not sure. does XH know that is something you do for EVERYONE? do you send out cards? call on Easter, things like that? the reason I ask, if you don't generally do those kind of things, will he see it as you are just trying to contact him?
If he email's, texts or whatever first. I don't think it is wrong for you to repsond. That will be the friendly thing to do. but I wouldn't repsond imediately. I would wait hours and maybe respond the next day. Say something to the fact that you were busy, thank you for the "email" and maybe say I hope you have/had a good time. and leave it at THAT.. no more! but it is your life and you need to decide what is best for you and your relationship. I am here to give you what I believe to be good advice, please take it in and you can then at that point decide what you want to do with it from there.
What is XH doing for Easter, going to the 57yr old's place or with his family? What are you doing? I hope you are not by yourself! I am going up to my mother and stepfather's for Easter, So far H is coming with me. we will just wait that out and see if it actually happens.
I hope I helped you and I will check back later.
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Tabd and Jack, Thank you again for your replies! It is nice to get some feedback on occasion!
Jack: You say if it creeps him out don't, but everything I do that is nice and kind to him creeps him out. Because truthfully I think he likes it, it just makes him uncomfortable knowing that he has been such a jerk to me that I still am able to give to him and be kind to him out of the goodness of my heart. He has never had that.
And his family really doesn't celebrate the "minor" holidays, easter, valentines day and halloween. My mom has always sent me gifts and my XH gifts for those holidays. It is just what we do. And it made me sad to know that my XH hadn't gotten an easter basket for years until he and I started seeing each other.
I used to go all out with candy and gifts, now I just make him a basket of hard boiled eggs when he loves, and I dye them fun colors. I truly don't think he would appreciate it right now.
But I guess part of me wonders if I don't do anything (because I always have in the past) will he think I don't care about him any more? Will he think I forgot? And I don't want to do that. It is simply just letting him know that I was thinking about him and hope that he has a nice time with his family.
He text messaged me for thanksgiving, christmas and new years. (Valentines day, with the love oveture was ignored though.) I guess I will just cross my fingers and pray that he goes first.
TabD: As for his XH easter plans, I assume they will be like last year and years before. He will have a late lunch at his mom's house then go over the the 57 year old's place for dinner and the rest of the evening.
I will have my family here for the weekend, but what really bothers me is that they leave by 1:00. So when dinner times comes around I am alone. There is not special easter meal. Last year I had chips and cheese with my cats and dog.
But I guess that is what you get when you live in a city that you don't have family in. And no one thinks to invite me over for dinner b/c they "assume" b/c my family is up for the weekend that they will stay for a easter meal, and they just don't they leave so my father can work in the yard at home. I mentioned to my mom that it bothered me, but it really didn't sink in. She didn't get it, last year they stayed till 2 or 3, but the year before they left at 10 am.
It makes me sad and I cry b/c I am alone, but there really is nothing I can do. I won't force myself on my friends. I tell them honestly my plans and I figure if they want to extend and invite they will. They just never do. (Kind of the same deal for my birthday).
Jack: Thanks for the reassurance about the possibility of OW. I tend to agree. That isn't to say there won't be one nighters, or some that last a couple of weeks. But I am the ONLY one who has lasted for years. Sigh... at some point in time he will realize what he gave up. Part of what makes me sad is when he came back in May of 2005. He said my family made him on edge b/c he was "always waiting for them to decide that I am not good enough for you." I nicely informed him, "That isn't their decision. I am the only one who gets to decide who is 'good enough' for me. I am think you are more than good enough. I thinik you are perfect!"
I think at his core he just doesn't think he is worthy of receiving love. Everyone associates with him for a reason. His family is there b/c they are his family. His friends all use him in one way or another. And whether or not he wants to admit it or not, this 57 year old woman is using him to fill a void in her life. I think I have possibly been the only person who stuck around for no other reason than I love him. I love him from the top of his balding head to the "hooves" on his feet. I love him on his good days and lovingly tolerate him on his bad days. He pushes me away and I always drift back. I just love him so much. And right now I just don't know what to do with it. He doesn't want to see/feel my love right now... and I am not about to try to give it to someone else.
Today I am just numb. It has been almost a month since I have seen my XH and almost 2 weeks since we stopped communicating at his request.
It just struggle with "not caring". And I know that isn't the right words to describe it. It isn't that I don't care, but it is hard not to act on that caring.
I just worry he is going to "crash" and there will be no one there to help him. I worry that the people who he surrounds himself with won't see the danger until it is too late.
I have been silent about my conerns about him, at least silent to his friends and family. My friends and family know my concern. If I would ever talk to any of his friends and family about my concerns about him, he would FLIP OUT. that is why never went to them to express concern b/c I fel that the problem would be compounded by his anger.
And no I am not about to go to his family right now. If I ever leave the area I might talk to him mom about it. Not that she has any sway with him, but I sure can't talk to his 57 year old friend about it. I am sure she sees me as the cause of all his problems. I am sure she thinks he is fine. Because come on it is TOTALLY normal for a 28 year old man to hang out with a 57 year old woman EVERY NIGHT and EVERY WEEKEND!
I just want more for him. I don't want him to settle for a like that is "safe" and doesn't require him to really "feel".
And as much as his snoring drove me up a wall.. I miss it. I miss him.
There is not special easter meal. Last year I had chips and cheese with my cats and dog.