I'm reading a book on exactly that subject--"From Abandonment to Healing." It's very informative and has some useful exercises to do in order to get through all this. It does hearken back to some childhood experiences too.
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I am hearing so many lies from H, and so many things that I now see are lies, which, when I confronted him over the years, he denied. I do not trust him at all.
I've been looking over my posts from the last year and a half, and reading some old journals. I've also read a book about emotional abuse.
Do any of you know the movie "Gaslight"? For a long time, I've felt like that was my life. I mean, for many years. I would accuse H of flirting very heavily w/ someone at a party, and he'd tell me I was paranoid. Now I know that friends noticed it too. I told him he went out way too much for a married father of two. H claimed that everybody does and I should be thankful he wasn't cheating on me(!). And again, if I'm jealous, I shouldn't have such low self-esteem. But one of his best friends said the same thing to him, in front of me. He would tell me I was crazy if I asked him if he'd been drinking.
Even last weekend, I asked him if his gf was with him when I was talking to him, and he blew up at me, saying I was crazy and what was I talking about. I ended up apologizing, but now I know I was right. He told me he was spending the weekend w/ a guy friend, and couldn't see the kids, but it was with her. He flatly denied it when I asked him, saying that she had her son with her. She didn't.
Whenever I've hit a nerve with him, he has turned it around to me being paranoid, crazy, depressed, low self-esteem. I believed him. Is it any wonder I feel so guilty?
I still get sucked in. He can be very charming, as long as he's not questioned.
Yesterday when he dropped the kids off, he told me he needed my car to go shopping. Lie. Unless he went on a six-hour grocery shopping trip. I think he's planning a whole new life with this ow and her kid. She lets him go over and spend the night there when she has her son! What a gem. And he goes, of course. Poor girl, wait till she finds out what he's really like.
She's 32. Ticks me off b/c he'll probably have more kids with her, and I always wanted more but he didn't. Anyway, better to have fewer ties with him.
He's nice to me as long as he thinks he has me under his thumb. When I show strength, he gets scared and angry. When he dropped the kids off yesterday I had them say good-bye right away then ignored him. He stood around for a minute or two, then said good-night and left. What does he want from me?
OMG, I so want this to be over.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
