Well I had to call the exW to confirm that my D is off school on Monday so I can plan on watching her that day. I ask if she wanted to get together on Sat. nite and she said there no babysitters available this weekend. So I then said why don't we take her to Dave & Busters, she then replied I don't like that place but you can take her. She said if something changes this weekend she will let me know. I am fighting back so hard to tell her off, at least make me feel like you have some interest in me, how about a phone call or text asking me how I am doing. I want to tell her so bad how she does not deserve me. I'm biting my tongue for now.
DDC, I'm not in the fortunate place you now find yourself in. I've still to go through the unfortunate place you have already passed through. However one thing strikes me as similar in our sitches.
Other much wiser DBers have told me that despite being 16 months down the line I am still focusing on my H too much and that I should focus only on me. From your posts I see you doing exactly the same. Believe me I can understand why but you need to follow the advice I have been given and try to just focus on you and your D.
Give yourself a challege to only interact with your XW when she does the initiating. See if that makes things any better for you.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Well my teeth cleaning went well. We had about an hour for lunch so we went to a local diner down the road. I haven't talked to her a whole lot since she got back from LV so I asked if she how surprised she was with the spa gift cert I gave her. She said she was totaly surprised and thanked me agai for the gift. This lead me into a discussion about LL's, I asked her if rec'ing gifts is one of hers. I told I already knew quality time was her primary, she said physical touch & Rec'ing gifts were tied for second. She said I know what yours is, it is Admiration. Yes you got that right! She was very comfortable discussing this which is a big step because pre-D she would not even talk about anything R oriented. I drop her off back at work and she thank me for lunch and we kissed a little. She said she will stop by my house tom @ 2:30pm for our C appt. She didn't want me to pick her up because of the neighbors. She doesn't want them to know we are trying to get back together I guess. I asked her if I was going to see her this weekend and she said she didn't know she will see how it goes. Oh well no big deal plenty of other things to do. Oh well all in all it was a pleasant day, just being able to talk and laugh like the old days was nice. She is definetly not the same angry person that I knew for 3 years.
Yesterday we had our C appt. All in all it went pretty good. My C is awesome, he understands how men can hurt a womens spirit. He wanted to speak with my exW to see if she feels if I fully understand how much I hurt her during our M. My exW will not commit to anything at this point and my C said he doesn't expect her to be able to at this time. She needs to make sure my changes are for real. We are in this for the long run, going to fast right now would kill any hope of reconciliation.
Even though we covered a lot of ground and she is still undecided, I came away with an optimistic feeling about where we are headed.
During the post bomb era, her attitude was one of re-writting history, now everything she said back then she can't remember saying and when she talks she brings up positives, not negative times.
On the way home I asked her if she wanted to come again to my C. She said she really liked this guy but doesn't want to come next time but will let me know when she wants to go again. My gut reaction is she will go again.
On the ride home we continued some more R talks and it was all good. She once again stated that if we got back together there will never be another D. Amen to that!
I can feel it in my heart she wants to be with me, she just needs a little more reassurance.
As far as me being concerned about pursuing, I came away from our talks that she likes to be pursued and treated like a princess. I never did that for her in the past, I will start doing that now. She does not construe it as pressure if I compliment her, buy her gifts and flirt with her.
I took some advice from COG's thread and decided to turn up the heat on the flirting!
I told her I was very confident that she couldn't resist my charm forever. She did say was a great catch and can be quite charming. She also said her co-worker told her yesterday that I was still so good looking, she hadn't seen me in about 3 years.
When I dropped her off I told her I would buy her and my D10 dinner if she liked, she couldn't say yes fast enough. We then hugged and kissed for a little bit.
We had a great time at dinner, took them to a new place that she was never at. I flirted with her most of the night and she just sucked it up!
It is amazing what they are like when the come out of their fog.
I am going to use some of the principles at the Marriage Builders site for now. I think she wants me to meet her emotional needs and I think once her love bank is full she will reciprocate.
Yesterday my D calls me and asks will I take her and her friend to Dave & Busters? It was my exW weekend but she doesn't like that place so she said it was fine if I took the girls. We went and had a good time, my D was getting hungry so I said call mommy and see if she wants to go to Applebees when we get back. My D called and said mommy wants to know what time, I said tell I need about an hour after drop her off because I need to feed and let my dog out. I get a call about on my way back from the exW asking me to please stop in and take a look at her computer. She think she had as a virus and she never renewed her virus scan when it expired 6 months ago.
I fool around with her computer for about a 1/2 hour and it was really messed up. I told her I needed to do this later as I have to go let my dog out, she said fine maybe you can do it after dinner. Long story short I ended up spending until 10pm at her house trying to get the bugs worked out of the computer.
She sat next to me the whole time, we talked, laughed and I even rubbed her lower back a little until she told me to stop because my D was in the next room.
This is the most quality time I spent with my family in several years. This is the most time I have spent with my exW alone too. Starting with Thursday, getting my teeth cleaned and then lunch, that was 2 hours. The C appt and dinner Friday was about 4 hours. And about 5 hours yesterday.
It just reassures me how much I miss my family and my exW. I am hoping this time we spent together helps her see how great of a family we can be again.
I have noticed her giving me very compliments a little more. She sent me a text Friday nite thanking me for dinner and how it was a nice time. I alway knew how to pick good places to eat.
This MLC stuff is crazy, two years ago she would have said she never has good time with me and the food sucked.
My D is off school tommorrow so she will sleep at my house tonight. I asked my exW if she wanted to cuddle in front of the fireplace after she went to bed. She was a little concerned about how well my D sleeps at my house, she doesn't want her to wake up and find us together. So we are playing that by ear, at least she didn't say I don't want to spend time with you!
This is wonderful news and it sounds like the alien has gone home and returned your W to your and your DD.
Keep us posted as this is truly inspiring. While I am now being served with D papers and it will be final within a few short weeks (as my H and I have been LS for over a year), I will not lose hope. Should I not be as fortunate to have my H return, it is really good news to see your R and Alimari's flurish once again.
Thank you for the kind words. I was a little bummed out about an hour ago. I to call the exW to find out what time my D was coming over and I asked her if she wanted me to call her when she was in bed. She said no, what was she going to say to her if she woke up and saw her there. I started falling into old pattern of trying to convince her it was ok until she finally told me a very firm NO!.
She dropped my D off and came in for a few minutes going over a school project she has to do. She was very friendly and even grabbed my face while she was saying good bye with a big smile. I guess she was flirting a little. I made a comment about how sexy she looks as she was walking out to her car. She just turned around with a big smile and said thanks for noticing.
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While I am now being served with D papers and it will be final within a few short weeks (as my H and I have been LS for over a year), I will not lose hope
I am sorry to hear that, but remember not matter what happens you will be fine even if he doesn't come back. I have read your posts and you sound like you have your act together. Life does get easier after the D, and as each day passes you heal some more.
What about approaching your new R with ex-W as if you are dating someone totally new? You are aware of her history and how she has felt (has been hurt?) by her previous R .. and because of that you realize that you have to really "tip-toe" to in to gain her trust.
If you adopt that attitude, do you think it will help you in not being disappointed when your ex does not respond/do what you would like?
It sounds like she is really liking the flirting .. your attentions, etc .. without pressure.
If you keep asking that same question over and over, (what you want .. where you think this should be going .. in YOUR time) she is bound to feel "pressured".
Keep the pressure off. Take your cues from her. If she said "no" to something, probably you need to wait until she suggests it next ... ?
What about approaching your new R with ex-W as if you are dating someone totally new? You are aware of her history and how she has felt (has been hurt?) by her previous R .. and because of that you realize that you have to really "tip-toe" to in to gain her trust.
If you adopt that attitude, do you think it will help you in not being disappointed when your ex does not respond/do what you would like?
Yes I do agree with that statement. Just so tough not having her realize just how lucky she is that after SHE divorced me that I am willing to forgive and work on a new R. Where as she still isn't committed 100%. But like you and my C said she is the one that has feel like she can recover from old wounds. Its almost like my wounds are being totally ignored
I do believe I am putting too much tought and pressure on myself to make this work. I had the attitude for so long that it was her loss if she D me and now I find myself losing that part of me because I want her back so bad.
