Interesting weekend. On Friday night H decided to "share" his frustrations with me. One night last week I had so many heavy contractions and so much pressure in the evening that he got worried we were headed to L and D (with good reason, if a pattern had been established I would have called the doc at least). So, he called in and cancelled his work for the following day.
Then he decided that the issue really was that I have been overdoing and that probably my discomfort was precipitated by this. Well, I beg to differ as when I got up the next morning the baby had clearly dropped another few inches and was likely just getting settled into position. So anyway, he tells me that he has been very fearful that I continue to work my @ss off at work and home, that he has been fearful for my physical health and safety and that of the baby since before my accident. He says he keeps having very bad dreams and not sleeping well because of it. And basically, he feels that he keeps sacrificing his work on behalf of me doing mine. Well, I'm thinking that it probably explains some of his distancing behaviors.
Then we get into the fact that I don't even strive to go to bed early and make up for the lack of sleep that I get. I have a long commute so I have to get up early. His schedule is variable so he does get some days to sleep in sometimes. I explained that I stay up in order to spend some time with him and DS15 while they are having their evening tv time (watching a lot of stuff I don't care about) once the girls go to bed. He then says that I'm not "spending time" with them because I am on the computer or reading. Then I blurt, "That's because I'm tired of getting ignored." Not smooth but true. His response, "Well you have to tell me these things." (In my head - I thought - Uh, DUH!).
That was it for that convo but I followed up with an email yesterday explaining that I don't know how much of the pregnancy he has had these fears for my health etc... or how long he has thought I was purposely ignoring my own needs and that of the family but that he had been so "checked out" for so much of this pregnancy that I had been ready to ask if he was having an affair, battling an addiction or ready to leave. I was very specific about what behaviors of his I was basing this on. I told him that my purpose wasn't to blame but if we are going to get through an unmedicated labor and delivery together and assimilate a new baby into our family we had better be in it together and have the air clear.
He hasn't responded and I may have really pushed a little hard but we'll see. There is something about this pregnancy that pushed a button in him that caused him to check out. Maybe it was my miscarriage last year, maybe it was the need for amnio this time, who knows. But I had to tell him that he's been checked out and that I can assume responsibility for pushing myself but he must assume responsibility for leaving me emotionally alone such that I "filled the void" other ways. Well, checked out or not, he had better get ready to check back in.
