Blech - drunk people while in labor. Well, I guess it helped distract you if nothing else. Last time I arrived at the hospital at 7 cm and had baby in my arms in 40 minutes. If I could do that again I would.
Yeah - I don't usually get waxed but during pregnancy it becomes a necessity.
I have been crazy busy trying to get things accomplished before maternity leave. I'm not actually leaving until I have the baby but within about four weeks I need to be in a state of perpetual readiness so that when I go out I don't leave stuff undone, undelegated etc... I have eight weeks to go -give or take.
H and I had a terrific time on weekend trip, had sex twice (not too bad for someone in the last two months of pregnancy, talked constantly etc... We went to Ocean City, MD which has nothing in it to do this time of year so we didn't have many distractions. I don't R talk when we go on these trips. I approach them as if he were someone I was dating and the main goal is simply having a good time. He has an interesting initiation technique on trips - he just straightforwardly brings it up. He'll say, "I'm going to the bathroom, I'm going to brush my teeth and then I would like to have sex." It isn't very titillating but then again it is not timid or childish. It is, I suppose, a very "adult" way to approach things. I never think to respond in a playful way like "maybe/maybe not" or "catch me if you can", my response is usually, "ok then". Strangely, this is his usual vacation type initiation. It means that he has mentally planned to have sex which is better than the weekday grind when he doesn't seem to plan for it at all.
I did get waxed but he didn't comment.
I was reflecting on bf's comments on not finding postpartum women very sexually attractive but thinking that the paternal feelings probably overrode that. I think a few things. I can see that objectively a postpartum woman isn't very physically sexy. However, in my experience the power of sharing such an experience can (with the right partner) cause a closeness and bond that is sexual in nature - a warmer, loving, bonded kind of sexual experience. Also, I have never had an issue with providing an extra special bj during the six week hiatus. I also have learned to distinguish touching from my husband from the touching of children and everyone else - such that breastfeeding is sensual, not sexual but my husband's touch in that area is something else altogether. After baby #1 I learned to exercise some basic self care so I don't feel entirely unfeminine during that period of time - showering and putting on a little makeup and a decent outfit does wonders. I may not have time for the whole show but just a little self care improves my outlook and my H's view of me too. I loved my H more than anything when the very next day (less than 24 hours after having our baby) he says to the doc, "Now, I know that we aren't supposed to have sex for six weeks but can I still touch her?". The doc looked at me and him in shock - I don't think she'd ever heard that one before. She said something to the effect of "Uh, yeah. I guess. If she wants you to."
The next two weekends painting and steam cleaning commence on DS15's room and the baby's room. It is time to nest and get ready. I'm being sent to my parent's home because dh doesn't want me around the paint fumes or overdoing.
Ok guys - five weeks (give or take) and counting. I have reached the massively irritable stage of pregnancy. The extra 22 pounds is annoying, my ankles swell at the end of the day, I have painful contractions frequently and have generally lost my sense of humor. This is all normal and a clear indicator that baby is on the way sooner rather than later. He has dropped a few inches and not next week but the one after I will be on weekly doctor viists. I have cooked fabulous meals every night and have had a myriad of minor mishaps (twisted ankle, dropping stuff, messing up things I know very well how to do etc...). I have been up since 4am with racing thoughts. This is my late pregnancy MO - what a joy I am! Wouldn't you just want to rip my clothes off? What's that you say? Not really? Dang - maybe just maybe there is a method to H's madness.
H is irritable too. He isn't very supportive because he is stuck in his own head. We have just a few weeks until we constantly have a "milk shark" between us. He and I probably need to have a little "come to Jesus meeting" about that. If we don't spend some time, talk, have sex and whatnot now we are going to be hard pressed for any of that in a few weeks. H's response will be that he has planned a family vacation in two weeks for exactly that reason. I will be full term then, don't even know if the doc will let me go AND can't always wait for a vacation just to have a life with my husband. As usual, we see the issue from two totally different perspectives. His is the nirvana perspective - we can have a sex life if and when conditions are perfect. Mine is chaos theory - we can have a sex life in the midst of chaos and things may eventually level out until chaos decends again.
You don't sound all that crabby to me Karen. Although, I read the first line of your post as meaning five weeks since you got laid rather than five weeks til baby-LOL. I am such a baby fiend I almost wish I could switch places with you. Maybe we could trade off Freaky Friday style. Every other day I can cuddle with your sweet-scented milk fiend and every other day you can cuddle up with whatever manly-scented sex fiend I manage to round up. Of course, we'll still have to squeeze in our Hollywood outing to find Jack and Jimmy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Wow, Karen, it sounds like baby J may be coming into the world sooner than expected! Both my kids came 3 weeks early, and I joke with them, What was the big rush !! Take it all in, grumpiness and all, as time goes so very fast. What a happy event...I am with MJ, babies are the best, although I like the toddler stage more. Oh--I will be away the first week of April, so I might miss the big event, so let me give you lots of good wishes and hugs now for a safe and wonderful delivery!!! (((((Karen)))))xo
Thanks for the well wishes. Yes - it does seem as if he could be early. Two of three were early so we'll see. It seemed like I might go early last time but didn't.
I do enjoy babies but like Journey toddlers are my favorite. I am also really enjoying my 15yo (that one came as a surprise). Not too crazy about "tweens". I would be thrilled to trade off a night or two of the newborn deal for a male sex fiend.
Interesting weekend. On Friday night H decided to "share" his frustrations with me. One night last week I had so many heavy contractions and so much pressure in the evening that he got worried we were headed to L and D (with good reason, if a pattern had been established I would have called the doc at least). So, he called in and cancelled his work for the following day.
Then he decided that the issue really was that I have been overdoing and that probably my discomfort was precipitated by this. Well, I beg to differ as when I got up the next morning the baby had clearly dropped another few inches and was likely just getting settled into position. So anyway, he tells me that he has been very fearful that I continue to work my @ss off at work and home, that he has been fearful for my physical health and safety and that of the baby since before my accident. He says he keeps having very bad dreams and not sleeping well because of it. And basically, he feels that he keeps sacrificing his work on behalf of me doing mine. Well, I'm thinking that it probably explains some of his distancing behaviors.
Then we get into the fact that I don't even strive to go to bed early and make up for the lack of sleep that I get. I have a long commute so I have to get up early. His schedule is variable so he does get some days to sleep in sometimes. I explained that I stay up in order to spend some time with him and DS15 while they are having their evening tv time (watching a lot of stuff I don't care about) once the girls go to bed. He then says that I'm not "spending time" with them because I am on the computer or reading. Then I blurt, "That's because I'm tired of getting ignored." Not smooth but true. His response, "Well you have to tell me these things." (In my head - I thought - Uh, DUH!).
That was it for that convo but I followed up with an email yesterday explaining that I don't know how much of the pregnancy he has had these fears for my health etc... or how long he has thought I was purposely ignoring my own needs and that of the family but that he had been so "checked out" for so much of this pregnancy that I had been ready to ask if he was having an affair, battling an addiction or ready to leave. I was very specific about what behaviors of his I was basing this on. I told him that my purpose wasn't to blame but if we are going to get through an unmedicated labor and delivery together and assimilate a new baby into our family we had better be in it together and have the air clear.
He hasn't responded and I may have really pushed a little hard but we'll see. There is something about this pregnancy that pushed a button in him that caused him to check out. Maybe it was my miscarriage last year, maybe it was the need for amnio this time, who knows. But I had to tell him that he's been checked out and that I can assume responsibility for pushing myself but he must assume responsibility for leaving me emotionally alone such that I "filled the void" other ways. Well, checked out or not, he had better get ready to check back in.
Karen, It sounds like a good thing has happened...he is getting his anxiety out in the open. I am sure he is unaware how much he has distanced from you and how this has hurt you. Try to explain it to him minus the anger. He is so nervous but wants to be there for you...hope you both tap into the excitement of it all!!
Thanks Journey. I really didn't show any anger so much as a little unvarnished "truth" as I saw it. I think I surprised him a bit. We'll see what happens.
I asked a few things:
- for him to share more of what he is thinking feeling if he hasn't spilled it all yet - for him to tell me if he was angry or if he wasn't angry for him to share some positive thoughts about us/me. - I asked for a hug and a verbal acknowledgement that we heard and accepted one another's fears and were moving on to meeting some of the needs we each expressed.
**No response to these yet**
I also agreed to do some things like go to bed earlier and come home earlier for the remainder of the pregnancy. I AM worn out and have less than four weeks remaining (give or take) so it would be a good idea to get what rest I can.
Ok - well...H finally responded to the email and his response was interesting. He agreed wholeheartedly with everything I said. He agreed that he had been checked out. He also agreed that he has been angry and frustrated with me because I didn't seem into the family vacation he planned for next week (which will be two hours from my hospital) but that he understood I was "right" about it technically.
The words he kept using involve being "stupid", failing, on the verge of "crashing" into oblivion. Then he said, "Is it any wonder that it is hard to hold you close when I feel this way?" The sources of his feelings of failure are nothing unusual - too many family disasters, $$ worries, being out of shape etc... He says that he too wants to get on the same page and that he doesn't really know how to get there.
My response (Be forewarned it is pretty blunt):
You don't have to be perfect to be loved and made love to. You don't ask me to be perfect in order to love me. All I know is that you hiding behind anger, frustration, self loathing and creating distance won't solve anything and that me compensating by working, reading and talking to a bunch of preggos on the internet all the while hating myself won't solve anything.
The only solution is to muddle through crisis, disaster, happy times etc ... hand-in-hand. We need to each start closing our personal exits (you know - work, computers, masturbation instead of sex, busyness etc...) and face each other. I have been pretty blunt here. The bottom line is that I love you and I am putting myself waaaaaaaaaay out on a limb to say - please, let's try (however imperfectly) to be each other's soft place to land. I love you and I assume that you have shared these things because you love me too. Closing the exits, forgiving and accepting each other and moving forward is the only place I know to start.
I realize that this is a far cry from an actual action plan but at least he isn't arguing everything based on extenuating circumstances. At least he isn't trying the "Gee, we would be having sex except our lives are so busy and we're so tired line of bullcrap that he usually feeds me." At least I've actually brought up the fact that with his behavior I suspected him of having an affair, an addiction or wanting to leave. That he uses busyness and mb as a way to ward off closeness. I'm not going to get into analyzing or looking at FOO issues as to why this might be. I don't care. At least I feel that we are starting to call a spade a spade.
