Piecing the KIDS back together!

[runningoutoftime]

Any ideas on helping kids piece their lives back together following separation and divorce? My older child is really strong, and mentally healthy and didn't have any major problems during this last year and a half, but my younger one really fell apart.

Any suggestions?
Thanks!

[brandnewday]

This is hard.

So much of the focus has been on the Marriage and even though the kids are a priority they still need to heal.

Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life but I think they need to see Mom and Dad getting along and to feel safe and secure.

My Husband has had to tell S5 that he is not going anywhere far away and when he leaves the house that he will be back soon.

This will be an adjustment for everyone, it just takes time.

[runningoutoftime]

Brandnewday,
That's a good point, just trying to provide that security.

And it seems like some kids have a harder time than others. Probably age and individual differences....

I wish my kids could see and my husband and I getting along better but at this point I'm not sure. I'm having a hard time feeling good about my marriage. Right now my husband and the kids are traveling to spend the weekend with his mom and his sister's family. His mom moved where his sister lives (about 4 hours away). His sister doesn't like me so I didn't feel comfortable going, but his mom is very nice. Now I think maybe I should have gone anyway. Tomorrow they are going to Sea World. I feel so separate from my family.

Even though it's only a night and a day, I just feel such distance from my husband. I'm wondering why I'm even married? At this point it truly feels I'm ONLY here for the kids. I wish I could feel more positive about things. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing myself to try and be happy with my situation. It's like I have to change my thought patterns.

And the answer for now... GAL. Have a great weekend without my family do some special things for me. See I'm trying to change my thought process. It's amazing how sometimes just writing it down helps!

Of course, I'm not even touching on helping my kids in this post. I know for my youngest he really NEEDS the marriage to stay together. If my husband and I were to go back into divorce it would destroy him. I actually have proof of that. He recently wrote a story for school about a character who commits suicide and one of the things the kid was unhappy about was his parent's divorce.

By the way... things I'm doing to try and help my youngest.... giving him lots of my time (I eventually became uncharacteristically selfish during the divorce. At the time it was the only way I could survive it), forcing him to talk about things... and I'm thinking of looking for some books with positive stories and messages tonight. I have some of those Chicken Soup books for kids and teens. I should probably read them to him.

[brandnewday]

((((((((ROOT))))))))

Our children learn from our example.

Don't pretend, just let them see you are human and you make mistakes but how we handle them is the key.

You've got to stop being so hard on yourself!!!

[runningoutoftime]

Thanks Brandnewday,

Do you think I am too hard on myself? Maybe so. I need to stop trying to be perfect, fix everything and make it great. Sometimes we have to be hurt. Marriage, relationships and families can't always be perfect (or even close to it), and one has to accept what is and try to appreciate the good things in that.

I think one thing that's a big problem with piecing is not only do we have our marriages to work on, but kids, extended family, etc...

And separation and divorce only add to that orignal discomfort one may have felt with certain extended family members. Both of my husband's sisters supported the divorce and even offered to set him up on dates! I know I shouldn't hold it against them, but things like that make ime feel sort of uncomfortable around them. And yet, I know I need to get over that and accpet whatever the realtionship is and make the best of it. It's always so easy to give advice, but so much harder to live by it!

I should probably be enjoying my short little break from my family. Sometimes it really is nice to be alone. However, I also feel left out of a fun family event.... Oh well... almost time to GAL. I'm going to head to Barnes and Nobles and then meet some girlfriends for a chocolate martini... you know enjoy the little things!

[brandnewday]

Go and read the post on my thread from Snodderly, she says it all.
Laugh much and enjoy life!!!!!

[cat03]

hey friend, sorry your kids aren't doing so well, how old are they? or the one who's having a hard time? have you thought about family therapy? sounds like your kid needs it, and I guess like us, for a long time we wait for the other shoe to drop.

As bnday said, tell him it is ok to feel bad about what happened, teach him to confront his fears to then slay them. Have a regular outing with just him and your husband.

Hugs hon)))) Remember to challenge every thought and emotion that comes to your mind, emotions aren't rational. Your M is a different one now, embrace the change.

[Rosy_Times]

Well, three months into this and my son doesn't seem to be having that hard of a time but is asking alot of questions and saying things like, "Daddy Loves me...." to me and waits for a response... My H and I have been on our best behavior around him except for some crying but we are still dealing with the massive amounts of guilt we both have towards him. I don't know how to get over that part right now. Any ideas to help?

[runningoutoftime]

Brandnewday,

I just glanced at your thread on MLC a moment ago and realized you've gone through similar extended family stuff. I'll go back and read it through more carefully later today....

Cat,

My son is 12 and unfortunately he has a lot to deal with right now. Normal puberty, high functioning autism, difficulty making friends, some minor learning difficulties...etc... About 2 years ago we moved out of a neighborhood where there were about 15 boys his age and he had tons of friends. Now he has none and his best friend from elementary school moved out of state. Also, the two other friends in that group started shunning him in Jr. High... so he has to try making new friends. Not easy when you're autistic, have had a lot of rejection because you're kind of quirky and don't always know *how* to make friends.

Anyhow, the divorce only added more to the equation.

Fortunately the school was very concerned about my son's story. They now consider him a suicide risk, and immediately offered to provide weekly counseling.

I know not all kids take divorce this hard or react this strongly to it, but so often people just don't realize the damage they are doing to their children. Or just how much more divorce can add to problems children may already have. It's like the tip of the iceberg for some who are just trying to get through rough years.

I will think about how I might help him confront fears. Just getting him to talk can be a major challenge. One little thing that I think helps is I read him Calvin and Hobbes (books of the comic strip) every evening. Bringing humor and lightheartedness in can be healing.

Rosy Times,

Just give your son lots of time, attention, love and reassurance. Does his father see him regularly? You need to constantly reassure him and his father needs to spend as much time as possible with him. Read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161

This will help you understand what your son will go through if a divorce occurs, and may help you lessen some of the effects. Also, if you or your husband are children of divorce (like me), you may learn some things about yourself.

[cat03]

wow, 12-13 is a difficult age to beging with, and yes, the friend thing also might be making him feel that all is going down on him. I hope the C at school helps him, hugs hon)))) keeping you in my prayers.