New To Piecing III

[COG]

Happy,
I don't beat myself up over the mistakes I've made. I've apologized, made amends, and moved on. I just don't expect a second chance, nor do I really deserve one. If I get one then great, if not, then I'm not going to grovel, or cry, or go down the toilet. I've GAL.

dont forget a couple of confessions with the priest because cog deserves all of this bad treatment

To bad you don't know much about going to confession. When you confess your failings to another person before God, you let them go, and you are forgiven. You walk away with a clean slate. That does'nt mean the world has forgiven you, but you no longer have to carry that burden with you. You are free of it.

you do not deserve this punishment from your wife and that is what it is.

I'd have to agree with you, it is punishment alright, but she's not doing it because she wants to be mean. Her love for me died along time ago, long before I had a clue. And it ain't easy to bring it back from the dead. Now I can demand it, I can explain how deserving I am of it, I can kick her ass out in the street. But then I'll have missed the miracle of a changed heart.

i am sorry and you can tell me to go to hell if you want but your wife is a selfish bitch.

Yep, and I am a selfish bastard.

And did i mention that i hate the smell of burning martyr.

Geez I never would have guessed that.

God Bless,

COG

[AmyC]

I don't know what to say yet, COG.

You know I know first hand how the Lord can turn a lost woman's heart back to her husband.

Your sitch saddens me.

That woman has one hell of a man that is totally and without reservation devoted to her.

And she treats you like you are beneath her and it chaps my ass.

I'll post something worthwhile to you in a little bit.
My flesh is screaming right now and I want to tell you to throw her unappreciative butt out on the street.

[PArob]

I passed wind whenever I wanted wherever without a care, in fact I even held her under the covers one time laughing while I gassed her.

If a Dutch Oven is grounds for a divorce , then I think I'm in big trouble!!!!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't pass up the opportunity at levity.

All in all COG, it seems to me that you have a good attitude and your heart is in the right place, but I think I see you putting way too much of this on yourself. Just my .02 worth.

[COG]

PArob,

If a Dutch Oven is grounds for a divorce , then I think I'm in big trouble!!!!!!!

Hee Hee Hee ! Dutch Oven huh, I did'nt know there was a name for it. That's funny!

but I think I see you putting way too much of this on yourself.

OK, now I'm gettin a little tired of people telling me I'm takin way to much responsibility here. People, please trust me, I've contemplated this for six friggin years. I know where I failed, AND I KNOW WHERE SHE FAILED. Not only that, I know where she's still failing. I am completely aware of it.

But will I let it rain on my parade, HELL NO! I'm a happy guy. I don't cry over this stuff, I don't dwell on it, and I don't DENY IT! I've found a perfectly fine spot right here in reality. I'm not living on hope, I'm not living in dream land, I live for the moment, without fear, without guilt, without anxiety. I'm at peace, well most of the time anyway.

I am not afraid to end this M, and I am not afraid to stand. I hope my W will fire up, but she may never. So what? I've only got a few more good sexual years left anyway. There's so much more to life. And I am not stupid enough to believe that I'll just go out and find Ms Right.

I'm on it! I'm on fire right now. Doing REALLY well. I've found peace and fulfillment in acceptance.

Now some of you might think it's enabling behaivior, denial, etc. You might think I'm being abused. But I tell you I'm laughing when I hear that. I'm no more abused than any other crazy f?cker with teenage kid's, an overworked W, two mortgages, and a bunch of other crap. You might think I beat myself up over this stuff, but you are so very out to lunch.

We can judge and condemn my W, our WAS, all we want, but that won't get us very far. If things work out with my W, she's gonna have one hell of a man, and I'm gonna have one hell of a woman. We're heading that direction. Have been for a long time. Six years now. We've had peak's and valleys, ebb and flow, but we've come a LONG ways from where we were.

I guess I just better find another way of venting because I'm gettin real tired of fending off the attacks. I've considered just not responding but I like the debate. Only it's taking too much time right now.

Just know this, I am in a VERY good place right now. I am a man who has a VERY fulfilling life because I choose to stay in the present, and tries to see the positives in everything. Love is not selfish, love keeps no record of wrongs. I follow the rules, trust God, and I am very blessed.

I have been selfish, a wimp, a cry baby, a wussy, a sheep, and a controller. Angry, critical, and judgmental. Honestly, I can really understand her lack of desire. Do I hate myself, look down on myself, carry a burden of guilt and shame. HELL NO! But I'm honest about it.

I've grown through all the crap. I'm a man, a darned fine man, NOW! But I've only been that way for a very short time all things considered. Like maybe two years. I LOVE who I am now, I did'nt before. By being honest with myself about my past failures, I can grow forward without regret, without guilt, without anxst.

Gotta go, more later...... I'm writing a friggin novel here.

God Bless,

COG

[Heywyre]

Scary COG you are starting to sound more and more like me everyday. Think we are hanging out too much together - lol

Seriously, its hard for others to imagine a relationship with sex, however I have lived in that type of a relationship for much longer than I care to imagine. Regardless of what my H has done to me, all the hurt and pain he has caused, I still love him deeply and I know he loves me. However, when it comes to the physical side of things, it just doesn't exist. The C has told us both that to be in a good solid relationship, the intimacy has to be there (not necesarily sex - intimacy, BIG differnce) however, if you have intimacy, for the relationship to thrive, the physical aspect (sex) has to come into play. I have found that the R I have with my H, as much as we are the best of friends (really) and I adore him (and I am confident the feeling is mutual on his part) the strain of the R increases as each year goes by with the physical. Eventually there will be no foundation to repair the damage that has been done, it will have all crumbled.

I am not perfect by any stretch, and I sometimes feel I am being punished also and deserve what is coming my way (the old saying, what goes around comes around) but at the same time I also believe we each have the right to be happy - I guess it all depends on what each of us considers "happy" eh?

[amd]

" think a nice cute guy like the singer with the girl lips might just be the ticket. We'll get him a boob job, wax all the hair off and maybe THAT'LL do it."

Um...I really hope you're not talking about Steven Tyler from Aerosmith here.

[COG]

Um...I really hope you're not talking about Steven Tyler from Aerosmith here.

Yes AMD, I am secretly IL with him. You have to admit, he's got pretty nice chic lips though.

Love,

COG

[AmyC]

I've been thinking about your sitch, COG.

It's so distressing because you have done so much...and to watch her (through your posts) with her false sense of entitlement, her pride and her selfishness, appearing to look down her nose at you is hard for someone like me, that you have helped so much, to see.

I have trouble with the fact that in 6 years, she has shown so little willingness to look at herself honestly, to seek a doctors opinion for her supposed lack of a sex-drive and to show such a lack of appreciation for your efforts. But not only yours, COG. She has no regard for the work the Lord has done in her husband!

Where is the gratitude to Him!?

It all just infuriates me on your behalf.

But I have been thinking back to our very first correspondence with one another on this site. It had to have been more than a year ago. I asked you if "COG" meant Child of God. You never answered me directly but in time, I knew.

And tonight, I am reminded as I think of Joseph, that for the last couple of weeks in the car on the radio I have been hearing a particular preacher talk about Joseph. One day, in frustration at hearing the "same thing" I said outloud "what is it with all this 'Joseph stuff' Lord!?"

I did not know til now but it was so I could answer you tonight.
So I could tell you that yes, you ARE on the right track.
And yes, you ARE busting the gates of hell wide open with your unyielding stand.
And yes, in time, you will be justified, understood and blessed.

"Blessed are the merciful. For they shall obtain mercy".

~~~~~~~~~~~

Now there is just one more thing I am compelled to ask and it's concerning that hot tub incident...

...When that woman stood up to leave the hot tub.....did you actually see the long red tail????




Love ya, Child of God.


Amy

[brandnewday]

(((((COG)))))))

Just wanted to drop you a quick line.

I think the reason you feel "attacked" is because many of us here care very much about you and have seen all of the changes and efforts you have made.

We are a family and when one of us is hurting everyone comes along to help and offer support.

Nobody wants to see you hurting anymore and this last piece of the puzzle seems to be taking so long.

I know you know what you are doing!!

And I gotta tell you that some of your posts have had me in stitches with the visual images you have given me.

Nothing is too broken for God to fix.

((((((Faith)))))))

[COG]

AmyC,

Thanks, I had a strong feeling that you were the one I needed to hear from.

It's so distressing because you have done so much...and to watch her (through your posts) with her false sense of entitlement, her pride and her selfishness, appearing to look down her nose at you is hard for someone like me, that you have helped so much, to see.

Yep, I hear ya. It's hard for me too sometimes, but I'm kickin butt right now. May need to vent from time to time, but life is really good overall. AND, there's still movement, albeit at a snails pace. Lately she's been asking my advice on certain things, and asking for help. It is so much more peaceful when I'm not trying to pursue her. I don't think it's time for that yet. I actually cleaned a toilet the other night. That's a first.

One day, in frustration at hearing the "same thing" I said outloud "what is it with all this 'Joseph stuff' Lord!?"

He's one of my heroe's, we've had many convo's. Just think of the grief that man went through. He was called, he could have run, but he stood.

So I could tell you that yes, you ARE on the right track.
And yes, you ARE busting the gates of hell wide open with your unyielding stand.
And yes, in time, you will be justified, understood and blessed.

Amen my sister. You've got that right, AND I'm having fun doing it!

...When that woman stood up to leave the hot tub.....did you actually see the long red tail????

Hee, hee, hee, actually no, I got the hell out of that hot tub before she did.

If there's any question about my state of mind, or level of pain right now just read my last few post's. Not my "venting" post's the other post's. My heart and mind are in very GOOD places right now and it only took ME 6 years to get my act together.

Thanks AmyC,

Love,

COG