New Thread for 2940!!!!

[imLIN]

Well your stronger then me...I probably would have blurted out that my H was feeling the same as her....good you didn't do that but on the other hand it might help her to know the otherside just like it helps you...

I have to be careful about movies...I cry like a baby in the best of times so for me I try and avoid the emotional things these days for my own good.

As for you...remember when I asked if you are in love with H...or the "idea" of H...sort of like asking "do you know what you are fighting for"....of course you can be in love with both things...I was...and actually I think that helped me to hang on because there were times that I didn't feel like I loved H as much as the "idea" of him...and other times I loved him more then the "idea" of him...it sort of kept me in touch on one level or another...

I have a strong religious faith...and truly believe that since God created marriage he knows what is best for us in reguards to safeguarding it....and treating it with respect and dignity...things I didn't always do but am now acutely aware of...

Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do...but I wouldn't over think this stuff either...emotions can carry us away...it is good that you found this friend to learn something from...and that you are feeling more "fun" yourself...

Before I knew I had any problems in my marriage I was in a coffee shop when I heard a woman talking about kittens...my D's wanted to get one or two and H said they had to be pure breds...no more mutt cats (rolls my eyes)...this lady was talking and I was listening...finally I interupted and asked if I could bring my daughters to see them because she was obviously a breeder and sounded like a very caring one...

We made arrangements to do so...my D's did buy two kittens from her but we had to wait until they were older to get them...she didn't seperate them from the mom until they were 16 weeks old...I would take the kids to visit...she was very impressed by our dedication to the cats...my son who was 5 at the time impressed her to and she hired him to come over and play with the kittens to socialize them for family living...get them used to being around small kids...

Over the years we have kept in touch...we have a very deep friendship and she would do anything for me....it is funny how we meet special people in our lives...some we keep...some we don't....even though I don't talk to her much I do think of her and we do connect several times a year....who knows, this friendship you have budding here may be like that too....

Well...It is like 2:30 ish...I am so excited I can hardly sleep...I did sleep from 9pm-1:30am and will go back for a quick snooze, then shower and get everyone going...I am so excited I am going to Hawaii!!!!

Take care Tam....keep the faith!

[Walking]

Excellent. There's no stopping you now. You are truely on the spiritual journey. Your experiences are consistant with the "Law of Attraction" and you are experienceing it in spades - already. Bless you.

For some reason, the universe/God/whatever your higher power is, has you on the fast track to enlightenment. It's a very good thing.

I'm just back from a fantastic weekend in Sydney and I've got 15 things to do before I can write a proper response - but I just wanted to tell you what you are experiencing is not a coincidence, it is God and the universe operating in your life to help you learn and grow and become the girl you were put here to be. That's what's in store for all of us who are brave enough to take this journey.

I'm so proud of you.

Love V x

[2940831]

Thank you, Virginia. I'm in tears again... Your words always inspire me so...

So, after all of the experience that I had last night, I had a pretty good day today up until a short while ago. I hardly slept during the night and had very vivid dreams about H coming to me and saying he thought it was over but he would give us some time, about his parents telling us that they have seen over the last years that we weren't as happy, etc. In my dreams, he made me a plaque with us on it that he gave me as a "parting gift," and he printed a bunch of couples pictures of us together over the years (the ones in my dreams were of us naked???), and my situation in my dreams was that I was always telling him I wanted to hold on... I usually don't remember my dreams at all, but last night I remembered them, and I kept waking up and falling back asleep just to go into another vivid dream about this... Are these dreams all part of whatever this journey is that I've started??? Am I supposed to be learning something from them?

So I woke up at about 7:00 this morning and felt like I'd been hit by a train -- I didn't take any medication before bed last night, trying to be "strong." That wasn't such a good idea I don't think... So I got up and checked some computer things and then decided to pile on the meds so that I could try and get some more sleep. Then, while I was still up, the alarm in the bedroom I've been sleeping in went off at 7:30... Well, I NEVER SET MY ALARM last night... Very strange. The only thing I can figure is that I accidentally hit it in the night to turn it on or something... But I found myself thinking to myself, is this thing that is happening to me continuing??? Anyway, I went back to bed and slept until noon! I got up feeling still weak but so much more rested.

So I felt pretty good during the day today - didn't get as much accomplished as I wanted but didn't feel the pit in my stomach quite as deep as I usually do...

I saw H a few times today at the job site.

Tonight, I saw him fairly late when I was finishing up something at the job site, and I noticed that he just seemed sad. I was going to ask him if anything was wrong but then decided against it - didn't think that would be good DBing. So then I got to thinking about how since we've been back from his parents he just seems "different." He's been working longer hours than usual most nights. There's the thing about him possibly messing up the bed at the office and not staying there, and then there's that he HAS been staying at the office some... And when I thought about it, he's seemed kind of sad lately in general...

So, since it is the weekend and I know most Sundays he spends the majority of the day with OW, I thought "well, maybe she's gone or something..." So, I was really, really bad and drove by her house to see if her car was there. I wasn't going to look for H's car but just wanted to see if she was home. She was. So then I felt bad for checking but kind of felt good - thinking maybe they're having "problems" and that that is why the long hours, sadness, strange behavior, etc. Then, I drive around the corner from her house and drive RIGHT BY H! Oh, no.... So I obviously saw him but I don't know if he saw me. So I speed away and make myself scare quickly and just start shaking. I was so mad at myself for allowing myself the opportunity to hurt myself like that... AND I was mad to see him there, not that I was surprised at all to see him, but it just hurt.

So I'm driving back to the office, and I just happen to glance up a side street and think I see his car driving again AWAY from her house??? What? So I sped up to see if it was him, and I swear it was, and then I saw the car turn in towards our office. I didn't want to "follow" him to the office, so I cam in from a different direction to the office, but when I got there, his car wasn't there... So, either I was seeing things (but I SWEAR I saw his car - I got close enough to see it), or he saw me when I was over by OW's house or thought he might have and drove around for a bit or drove to the office to see if *I* was there.

So I get to the office and just burst into tears again and think that I just don't know if I can take this anymore... I'm so tired of the pain, but I also know that I CAUSED my deep pain tonight, so I'm so angry at myself for that.

So, then I decide "screw it." If I'm going to snoop, let's just get it all out. So I log on and check his credit card activity, but then I find only one "suspicious" charge on there from since we've been home, and it was from yesterday. So, that kind of made me feel better but still angry at myself for even checking...

So now I'm in major meltdown mode tonight. I don't know why I even tell you all when I backslide because I know I'm going to get blasted, but I guess that's what I need you to do... I haven't snooped forever and was trying to do it tonight to actually possibly make myself feel better and try and figure out what/why he's been acting differently lately... Stupid of me, stupid. And if H saw me... I feel so embarrassed... I know he won't say anything about it if he did see me, and my plan if it was his car that I was following back to our office was that he would see the McDonald's bag that I had in my hand (there is a McDonald's right by her house)...

Anyway, so now I'm just overwhelmed again... I don't feel like want to go through this pain anymore... But then I think about the pain of D and don't want that either... And then I think how in the world did 1210 and Lin go through this for so long and still make it and do I even WANT to hold on for potentially that long, and then I feel so weak for not being willing to hold on for however long it takes, and then I feel so angry for having to wait potentially years without someone loving me - life is too short!!! I feel so trapped and caught in the middle and so strange still from my experience last night and so mad at myself for what I did tonight (especially after my experience last night - how could I be so stupid and weak today of all days - my experience was SUPPPOSED to give me strength...) and so hopeful that his odd behavior lately means something good and so upset that maybe it means he is thinking harder about being done with us and so frustrated that I'm so behind on my work... AND SO TIRED OF THIS PAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE. I want him to look at me lovingly again. I want a man to care about me again - even just the waiter last night made me feel so good. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! And I know that's up to me, but I feel so desperate right now and out of control... (Don't worry, I've already popped the Xanax...)

And I feel so angry that he's got someone to care about right now and who cares about him and that I'm in such misery and just have to sit here and work so hard on improving myself while he is in someone else's arms.... Please tell me that he's in pain, too, that it's not just me????

And then I read Virginia's response and feel like a total loser for backsliding so much and for having yet another meltdown...

Help, guys! I'm so lost tonight... Having a meltdown here....

[2940831]

Is anybody out there??? Virginia? 1210? I just got home and cannot stop crying... I need help...

I feel like I want to tell H that I'm done, that he needs to make a choice - he either ends it with OW completely and we see if we can work together to build a magical marriage that is fulfilling for both of us, or he chooses to say with OW and I want him to move out of the house, move out of our office.... I don't feell ike I want to do this anymore, guys. I can't stop crying. I'm so tired of hurting.

But then I get so angry at myself - I'm NOT a quitter, and there are so many more DBing things that I haven't done and could be doing much better, and I'm so mad at myself for not wanting to just DO it and try so much harder, and at the same time I'm just tired of this and want to get on with my life. I know I need to work on making myself a better person and getting stronger, but I don't know if I want to hold on to him anymore while I do it... It just hurts so much. Having to come home every night to an empty home with all of his stuff still in it, having to work with him everyday and have my heart break in two just to see his face, knowing he's with her - I just don't know if I've reached my breaking point... But then I think since I'm NOT a quitter that I should be able to hold on for 10 years if I have to to save my M, so I feel like I'm giving up without giving it all I have, but I can't seem to find it within myself to give anymore... I don't know if I want to go on for 10 years to save my M and not have someone to love me that whole time. I feel such a need and want to have a fulfilling relationship with a man. But then I believe in what I told my friend that one of the best pieces of advice I could give her was to stay strong to your commitment to M, no matter what. But where DO you draw the line? How do you know when you've reached your breaking point? I feel like I have so far in this journey that I could go with H if I could just get the strength to be a better me, but at the same time, I'm so tired of all of this pain and feel like maybe I need to separate from him to get some clarity without seeing him so much. But I don't know how to do that with our business...

Help, guys!!!! I've now taken 3 Xanax, and they're just not helping. I don't know where this crisis is coming from... HELP!!

[Walking]

This my friend is what we call a breakthrough crisis. This is the low point of this part of your personal pain. It's very normal to have a breakdown immediately after you have a break through.

OK - I'm going to use an analogy here about healing. You know when you use a roasting pan and it gets all the baked on grit on it - there's fat and burned meat and baked on pumpkin and potato? To clean it, you put it in water with detergent yeah? You know when you start to clean it the water gets all dirty and it's a complete mess. Sometimes you actually have to get fresh water to finish cleaning it. That's what happens with us too.

You are starting to reflect on and clean up years of baked on beliefs and values and it makes the water dirty to start with. You are at the stage where you have to finish getting the crap off before it's worthwhile changing the water.

I'll post this because I've got a longer post to finish back to you, but while you are surfing the net, if you are not sleeping, google stuff about "Cosmic Ordering", Sacred Contracts, manifesting miracles, I think you'll enjoy reading about those concepts

Remember Winston Churchill said

"If you’re going through hell, keep going!"

that's what you've got to do right now. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep right on going.

[iluvme]

Whoa!! Take a breather 294. Just inhale thru your nose and slowly breathe out. Please do it for a couple of times b/c it sounds like you are having a panic attack. First, let me just say hi to you and give you a gigantic (((Hug))). It is okay. We hear you venting and you have a right to feel ballistic.

But now that you know, does it matter if you saw H drive to OW's house or saw something on the charges that is suspicious? What got me is that you already know that he spends Sun at OW house. So yes, it sucks to see him actually drive there. It sucks to know that he is getting his ENs met by OW. But don't sink to an all time low so that you ruin the rest of your wk. You saw it, got pissed, felt jipped that he's there, and you just pick your butt back up and move on. Go do something to take your mind off H now! Don't do anything that involves talking or venting about him.

I'll tell you the other nite was just devastating to me. I was sick this wkend at my folks and H emailed me to tell me to rest and not trek back to see kids if I don't feel good. I was suspicious that he would even type "Feel better." He never even asked about how I felt when I was sick in the past. So my s5 calls to tell me that H and all my kids went to dinner w/ a "new" friend meaning OW and her D9. I couldn't believe it b/c I remember H saying that he would've introduced the kids only if it was "that serious". So it was like getting hit with a 2x4 all over again b/c they are getting ready to come out in the open. We are close to our 90 day cooling period for D and if I agree then it's over.

What I did was call friends up and specifically NOT talk about H or anything about the divorce. If they ask, skirt the topic and refocus on other things. I was surprised that it felt better not to brew about it. I'm glad that I was able to give my friends an ear break and reciprocate by listening to them.

I know how sad and angry you feel. I am right there with you honey. I have been tiptoeing around H every wkend to avoid conflict and putting on a happy happy face. It is tiring! But in the end, I feel better b/c I am not going to bed angry and I don't feel that rage that makes me defunct. You know you backslide. Get over it so you can function. Make some plans with a friends or family but do an activity so you are not wallowing over a cup of coffee.

Instead, make yourself think of some positive goals and what you want to do with your life. There are some real motivated PMA'ers on this BB. I decided to make plans with a GF to take some salsa lessons. So as we were discussing it, it just gave me something fun to look forward to. You need that. You deserve it. Don't beat yourself up if you are not the TOP DB of the year. Just focus on making positive changes for yourself. The secret is how do you DB and keep yourself detached from getting hurt over and over again? Experts here, please advise! I've just been taking it one step at a time.

Btw, I think you've reached your Xanax limit tonite.

[Kim07]

294,,,

((((HUGS)))) I do this too,,although hard to listen & take advice but so wanting it at the same time!!!

If you did indeed take 3 xanax,,it will be over soon, you will be asleep and another day will be here w/o the anxiety attack!

What helps me is to watch one of my favorite movies,,, breathing deeply, very good for you, never worked for me but might for you

1st Wives Club-I can relate to,,Titanic-reminds me I don't have it so bad,,Two Can Play That Game(O2 network w/Vivica Fox)-opens my eyes,,Laws of Attraction-inspires me,,White Chicks,,just plain makes me laugh til I pee my pants!

Its' ok you'll find your way, go to sleep & look forward to a brand new day!

Luv Ya, Kim

[2940831]

Thanks so much, guys.

I just wanted to let you know that I've regained (what's left) of my sanity... LOL

The medication did finally knock me out, and I'm awake early and am going to just get showered and to the office since I have so much to do before leaving for Vegas tomorrow... I'm still really tired but just need to get stuff done. That will make me feel better.

Virginia, I'm anxious for your continued thoughts and posts that you mentioned. I will do some searching on the topics you suggested - maybe once I am in Vegas. Will be pretty busy until then, which is a good thing.

Am going to that dinner tonight with H and friends. This is with the friend that I told you about that seems to have a positive influence on H feeling closer to me, so I hope it's a nice night. I'm looking forward to it and am focusing on making sure I'm the fun, laid back W that both myself and H want me to be. Just another chance to muster up all my strength when I feel like my heart is in a million pieces, right?! Just another day... I'm going to work hard to make it a fun night.

So far I'm feeling calm this morning, so that is good. Last night was definitely an all-time low. It helped me to see that I need to make sure and not do anything rash when I'm having any sort of meltdowns - to just let them ride themselves out. It may be that I still feel the same (I still feel some of the same feelings that I feel last night), but I need to give things time to settle in before doing anything hasty. I know this trip to Vegas will be good for me - maybe it is part of this master journey that I am walking through now....

I will check in later but just wanted to let you know that I am back to the world of at least not sobbing uncontrollably and losing my mind... Thank you all so much for posting and giving me strength and encouragement.

When do you decide that you don't WANT to put one foot in front of the other anymore to work on your M? How do you decide when enough is enough? How do you balance that versus wanting to do all that you can to save your M, even if that means potentially having a broken heart for years of our already short lives? Ugh.....

[Heartbroken]

That decision is diff for each and everyone of us. I would tell myself I was done and wanted out only to change my mind hours from that moment. You will know when you are done and right now you are in the middle of this major storm and you should not make any life changing decisions - they would only be based on total emotions and my C says we need to make decisions with BOTH our emotional as well as rationale minds.

My motto through ALL of this BS has been BABY STEPS. You want to accomplish too much and you want your life back (I have said this many times too) - but you really don't want that back otherwise you'd be in the same boat. You need to get yourself into the PM - present moment. You cannot change the past and we do not know the future and we cannot control the future so all you can do is work with YOU in the PM!!! Just work on baby steps and keep yourself in the PM. This has gotten my H and myself as far as we have come and less than 6 weeks ago he was stating he no longer loves me, could not love me and wanted a D and he truly did not want me until I LET HIM GO. I got to a good place for ME and was really willing to let him go, he sensed this and started to question what the hell he was doing...

SLOW DOWN....BABY STEPS and stay in the PM!!!!!!!!!!!

[2940831]

Thanks, HB. It's so nice to hear how your experience has been.

I'm starting to have another bad day today. Am in tears again... Have a counseling session at 11, so that will be good.

Am just feeling like I'm done with feeling this way and don't want to do this anymore. I feel empty inside and sick to my stomach...

H called a little while ago. He is going golfing today and forgot his golf shoes at our office. He was at our house when he called and asked if I was too busy to bring them to him. (Our office is the opposite way from the golf course.) I told him I was busy, so he said no problem, that he'd come up to get them himself. Then I just got angry (I didn't say anything to him, but when I got off the phone). I'm thinking, "you have some nerve." He brings his bag up to the office from our trip to his parents and has his golf shoes in it, hasn't come back home since and now wants me to bring those golf shoes to him. I know it sounds stupid, but it just made me mad... I'm still mad. Then he calls me back and asks if I can please do him a favor and print out the directions to the golf course for him... Ugh...

I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm done hurting - done with the pain. But then I think about all of the DBing things that I can still do. I just don't know if I want to do them with him by my side or somehow find a way to separate more from him and get some space to better myself without him around so much, but I don't know how to do that with the business. Help, guys. This has been a bad couple of days in a row now. I just feel done.... HELP!!!