Thank you, Virginia. I'm in tears again... Your words always inspire me so...

So, after all of the experience that I had last night, I had a pretty good day today up until a short while ago. I hardly slept during the night and had very vivid dreams about H coming to me and saying he thought it was over but he would give us some time, about his parents telling us that they have seen over the last years that we weren't as happy, etc. In my dreams, he made me a plaque with us on it that he gave me as a "parting gift," and he printed a bunch of couples pictures of us together over the years (the ones in my dreams were of us naked???), and my situation in my dreams was that I was always telling him I wanted to hold on... I usually don't remember my dreams at all, but last night I remembered them, and I kept waking up and falling back asleep just to go into another vivid dream about this... Are these dreams all part of whatever this journey is that I've started??? Am I supposed to be learning something from them?

So I woke up at about 7:00 this morning and felt like I'd been hit by a train -- I didn't take any medication before bed last night, trying to be "strong." That wasn't such a good idea I don't think... So I got up and checked some computer things and then decided to pile on the meds so that I could try and get some more sleep. Then, while I was still up, the alarm in the bedroom I've been sleeping in went off at 7:30... Well, I NEVER SET MY ALARM last night... Very strange. The only thing I can figure is that I accidentally hit it in the night to turn it on or something... But I found myself thinking to myself, is this thing that is happening to me continuing??? Anyway, I went back to bed and slept until noon! I got up feeling still weak but so much more rested.

So I felt pretty good during the day today - didn't get as much accomplished as I wanted but didn't feel the pit in my stomach quite as deep as I usually do...

I saw H a few times today at the job site.

Tonight, I saw him fairly late when I was finishing up something at the job site, and I noticed that he just seemed sad. I was going to ask him if anything was wrong but then decided against it - didn't think that would be good DBing. So then I got to thinking about how since we've been back from his parents he just seems "different." He's been working longer hours than usual most nights. There's the thing about him possibly messing up the bed at the office and not staying there, and then there's that he HAS been staying at the office some... And when I thought about it, he's seemed kind of sad lately in general...

So, since it is the weekend and I know most Sundays he spends the majority of the day with OW, I thought "well, maybe she's gone or something..." So, I was really, really bad and drove by her house to see if her car was there. I wasn't going to look for H's car but just wanted to see if she was home. She was. So then I felt bad for checking but kind of felt good - thinking maybe they're having "problems" and that that is why the long hours, sadness, strange behavior, etc. Then, I drive around the corner from her house and drive RIGHT BY H! Oh, no.... So I obviously saw him but I don't know if he saw me. So I speed away and make myself scare quickly and just start shaking. I was so mad at myself for allowing myself the opportunity to hurt myself like that... AND I was mad to see him there, not that I was surprised at all to see him, but it just hurt.

So I'm driving back to the office, and I just happen to glance up a side street and think I see his car driving again AWAY from her house??? What? So I sped up to see if it was him, and I swear it was, and then I saw the car turn in towards our office. I didn't want to "follow" him to the office, so I cam in from a different direction to the office, but when I got there, his car wasn't there... So, either I was seeing things (but I SWEAR I saw his car - I got close enough to see it), or he saw me when I was over by OW's house or thought he might have and drove around for a bit or drove to the office to see if *I* was there.

So I get to the office and just burst into tears again and think that I just don't know if I can take this anymore... I'm so tired of the pain, but I also know that I CAUSED my deep pain tonight, so I'm so angry at myself for that.

So, then I decide "screw it." If I'm going to snoop, let's just get it all out. So I log on and check his credit card activity, but then I find only one "suspicious" charge on there from since we've been home, and it was from yesterday. So, that kind of made me feel better but still angry at myself for even checking...

So now I'm in major meltdown mode tonight. I don't know why I even tell you all when I backslide because I know I'm going to get blasted, but I guess that's what I need you to do... I haven't snooped forever and was trying to do it tonight to actually possibly make myself feel better and try and figure out what/why he's been acting differently lately... Stupid of me, stupid. And if H saw me... I feel so embarrassed... I know he won't say anything about it if he did see me, and my plan if it was his car that I was following back to our office was that he would see the McDonald's bag that I had in my hand (there is a McDonald's right by her house)...

Anyway, so now I'm just overwhelmed again... I don't feel like want to go through this pain anymore... But then I think about the pain of D and don't want that either... And then I think how in the world did 1210 and Lin go through this for so long and still make it and do I even WANT to hold on for potentially that long, and then I feel so weak for not being willing to hold on for however long it takes, and then I feel so angry for having to wait potentially years without someone loving me - life is too short!!! I feel so trapped and caught in the middle and so strange still from my experience last night and so mad at myself for what I did tonight (especially after my experience last night - how could I be so stupid and weak today of all days - my experience was SUPPPOSED to give me strength...) and so hopeful that his odd behavior lately means something good and so upset that maybe it means he is thinking harder about being done with us and so frustrated that I'm so behind on my work... AND SO TIRED OF THIS PAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE. I want him to look at me lovingly again. I want a man to care about me again - even just the waiter last night made me feel so good. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! And I know that's up to me, but I feel so desperate right now and out of control... (Don't worry, I've already popped the Xanax...)

And I feel so angry that he's got someone to care about right now and who cares about him and that I'm in such misery and just have to sit here and work so hard on improving myself while he is in someone else's arms.... Please tell me that he's in pain, too, that it's not just me????

And then I read Virginia's response and feel like a total loser for backsliding so much and for having yet another meltdown...

Help, guys! I'm so lost tonight... Having a meltdown here....