How do I keep pushing? I can't force him to confront his FOO issues.
Of course not, but you don’t have to be the receptacle for his resentment, projection and blame either. That is what boundaries are for.
People seem to think you just decide to throw up a boundary and all will be well. Doesn’t work that way. Without knowledge, how do you know a boundary has even been violated, in fact, how do you know where a boundary should be drawn? You’re quickly learning that. The biggest part of pushing is not allowing yourself to be pushed.
I'm not sure how to proceed though. Confrontation is tough for me. I always have a fear of pushing people too far.
I’ll say up front that I don’t have an answer for you. Only you can answer how to proceed. Part of that answer could lie in determining how you know whether you push someone too far, for what is too far for you may not be too far for your H, and vice versa. Plus your own view of what is too far has probably changed already from a year ago, and may change more in the future. Only you can know. So just push and see what happens. Like I told Lil, he may even see your pushing as a sign that you care…. Quite different from how you see it, no?
H has made it clear here that he doesn't see D as an option. I don't either at this point. So neither of us can threaten that.
There is no reason for any D talk, that I can see. You two are talking way more that my W and I did when things were really bad. When you express your hurt, your H seems to step right in and defend you to the board. Sounds like the right mix of interaction to me. Maybe you two are more on the same team than you realize.
Remember that signature line the Lil borrowed from Burgud – “Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.” CAC4, you could do well to take this to heart too. What do either of you hope to gain by hanging on to your resentment? There is no magic formula for doing this, as far as I know. You just make a conscious decision, place your trust and vulnerability in your spouse, and take that leap of faith to the other side. Once there, do not look back. Give up that toxic hope.
