I looked through the linked attachment thread and got to re-read H's comments about our R and his FOO issues. I remember reading all that as it was being posted, and appreciating your responses to him. I wasn't crazy afterall! There it was in black and white. It gave me the confidence to keep working at it and I thank you for that.
Also I took the test and scored "preoccupied."
On Answers.com my attachment style is Anxious-Preoccupied.
People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may experience high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
H has a Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style.
People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).
The bold statements ring true to me.
Regarding walking on eggshells, H said in the attachment thread that he has done this a lot. And he has. I have, too, but he doesn't see this. I do make decisions to not talk to him about things that I know annoy him. Sometimes I've thought he is easily annoyed. I don't like to be on the receiving end of his annoyance, so I try to avoid it. But if I stuff feelings or issues, I can escape the confrontation for a while, but then it comes back to bite me. Hence the "tempest in a teapot" reference by Lil. When I do blow, it seems to come out of nowhere. (This is how it appears to H. I usually can unravel it and discover what led up to it.) I am trying to stop this and speak out when I need to.
I'm not sure how to proceed though. Confrontation is tough for me. I always have a fear of pushing people too far. H has made it clear here that he doesn't see D as an option. I don't either at this point. So neither of us can threaten that. How do I keep pushing? I can't force him to confront his FOO issues.
I was thinking about his father and respect. H has achieved a respectable career and I know his father respects it. H's father was a tech writer and used to be the go-to person for computer related advice. H surpassed his father's knowledge years ago, and his father has said that. H doesn't need that FOO defense mechanism anymore. He has his father's respect. But does H respect himself?
