So, you're saying that I don't need to go through the Quicken stuff if I view my statement on-line? Don't you always need to reconcile your own records against the bank's? Am I missing something?
The only manual checks I write are for things like school events where the kids need to bring a check. Otherwise everything is written from my online bank account. Everything is there online.
For trips to the grocery store, fast food, whatever, I just use my credit card. I can control my spending within limits, so I can pay off the credit card balance without any problem. Only big purchases, or maybe car repair, need more time to pay down. I also use several credit cards. One I use only for internet purchases, in case something were to happen, like identity theft, and I wanted to shut down that card without affecting my regular spending habits.
I suppose you could reconcile all this stuff, but in all the years I have done this, I’ve never found the bank to be wrong.
I asked H recently why he wanted to be a pilot and the first thing he said was "because people respect pilots."
My armchair analysis is that because of how H was treated by his father, he does not allow himself as an adult to admit making mistakes. It is a defense mechanism. He rarely admits to being wrong and he even more rarely says he's sorry. Whatever happens is usually the other person's fault.
Let’s say there is something else he does that is directly harmful to you. Should you let it lie, just ignore it, let him come around to dealing with it if and when he’s ready? Personally I don’t think so. I don’t think you should ignore his FOO issues either. Just because they are his issues doesn’t mean you aren’t affected. If he doesn’t want to deal with them, then fine, as long as he doesn’t make you walk on eggshells (I know, no one can “make” you walk on eggshells, but tell that to the eggshell walker.)
If he lashes out at you, stays angry and resentful, holds the marriage back, then I think you have a say in his issues. So bring it into the open, confront him with it, and keep it in front of him. But do it the smart way, like GEL. Make his problem your problem. Tackle it as a team. Go read up on my thread on adult attachment disorder here.
Mrs Cac yes I do take things personally. I'm working on that. I often feel quite inferior to H intellectually, inferior to his immediate family, actually. I've mentioned this to my ILs (we have a really good R) and they think I'm selling myself way short, as does H, but I don't know how to stop it. I did better when I WOH, but being pg and SAHM seems to have turned my brain to mush.
If you were on your own I am sure you could come up with a way to backup and handle your finances. Both you and Lili's behavior appears both needy and fused to me in this context, and putting myself in your H/bf shoes. That feeling makes me irritable.
Cac Id like to chat with you about a couple of things. If you are intereseted drop me an email. Its in my profile.
I looked through the linked attachment thread and got to re-read H's comments about our R and his FOO issues. I remember reading all that as it was being posted, and appreciating your responses to him. I wasn't crazy afterall! There it was in black and white. It gave me the confidence to keep working at it and I thank you for that.
Also I took the test and scored "preoccupied."
On Answers.com my attachment style is Anxious-Preoccupied.
People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may experience high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
H has a Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style.
People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).
The bold statements ring true to me.
Regarding walking on eggshells, H said in the attachment thread that he has done this a lot. And he has. I have, too, but he doesn't see this. I do make decisions to not talk to him about things that I know annoy him. Sometimes I've thought he is easily annoyed. I don't like to be on the receiving end of his annoyance, so I try to avoid it. But if I stuff feelings or issues, I can escape the confrontation for a while, but then it comes back to bite me. Hence the "tempest in a teapot" reference by Lil. When I do blow, it seems to come out of nowhere. (This is how it appears to H. I usually can unravel it and discover what led up to it.) I am trying to stop this and speak out when I need to.
I'm not sure how to proceed though. Confrontation is tough for me. I always have a fear of pushing people too far. H has made it clear here that he doesn't see D as an option. I don't either at this point. So neither of us can threaten that. How do I keep pushing? I can't force him to confront his FOO issues.
I was thinking about his father and respect. H has achieved a respectable career and I know his father respects it. H's father was a tech writer and used to be the go-to person for computer related advice. H surpassed his father's knowledge years ago, and his father has said that. H doesn't need that FOO defense mechanism anymore. He has his father's respect. But does H respect himself?
I have always handled the finances in my M. I did it to feel in control, and H allowed me to do it. I would have no problem handling it if I were alone. H handled his own when he was single. If something were to happen to me, H would need to get up to speed with everything, giving him a disadvantage. He can just ask me for a receipt or important paper and I know where it is. I'm trying to make sure everything is organized so that he could find things in an emergency. I don't see this any of this as a sign of neediness on my part. Is it neediness on his part to rely on me?
The same goes for backing up files. I could certainly come up with a system for doing so. But, H has specific ideas about how he thinks this should be done. He is the IT professional. He's the expert. I figure that he gets paid to do this all day, so why not go with what he suggests. This is what I have tried to do.
Backing up files and handling finances aren't the actual problem though; differences in communication are the problem. Today's event just happened to be set off by my comment about backing up my file. The catalyst could have been any number of things.
How do I keep pushing? I can't force him to confront his FOO issues.
Of course not, but you don’t have to be the receptacle for his resentment, projection and blame either. That is what boundaries are for.
People seem to think you just decide to throw up a boundary and all will be well. Doesn’t work that way. Without knowledge, how do you know a boundary has even been violated, in fact, how do you know where a boundary should be drawn? You’re quickly learning that. The biggest part of pushing is not allowing yourself to be pushed.
I'm not sure how to proceed though. Confrontation is tough for me. I always have a fear of pushing people too far.
I’ll say up front that I don’t have an answer for you. Only you can answer how to proceed. Part of that answer could lie in determining how you know whether you push someone too far, for what is too far for you may not be too far for your H, and vice versa. Plus your own view of what is too far has probably changed already from a year ago, and may change more in the future. Only you can know. So just push and see what happens. Like I told Lil, he may even see your pushing as a sign that you care…. Quite different from how you see it, no?
H has made it clear here that he doesn't see D as an option. I don't either at this point. So neither of us can threaten that.
There is no reason for any D talk, that I can see. You two are talking way more that my W and I did when things were really bad. When you express your hurt, your H seems to step right in and defend you to the board. Sounds like the right mix of interaction to me. Maybe you two are more on the same team than you realize.
Remember that signature line the Lil borrowed from Burgud – “Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.” CAC4, you could do well to take this to heart too. What do either of you hope to gain by hanging on to your resentment? There is no magic formula for doing this, as far as I know. You just make a conscious decision, place your trust and vulnerability in your spouse, and take that leap of faith to the other side. Once there, do not look back. Give up that toxic hope.
Both you and Lili's behavior appears both needy and fused to me in this context, and putting myself in your H/bf shoes. That feeling makes me irritable.
When someone who claims to love me is unnecessarily rude, it makes me irritable. Even more than when a stranger is rude to me, and I'm not too fond of that either.
You don't have any context to go on. Since you weren't there, you can't picture what it was like to be in H/bf's shoes. You don't know what was said, how it was said, who said what to whom. All you have to go on is the hearsay Mrs. cac and I provided in our respective sitch's, which isn't enough for you to imagine the scenario with any reliable accuracy.
I figure that he gets paid to do this all day, so why not go with what he suggests. This is what I have tried to do.
If it makes YOU unfomfortable to be on his network, then trust your feelings enough not to do it. Im not going to mediate for you, but if you handle on the finaces then I am sure you can compromise and have him handle the backups at the point when it goes out of your boundary of comfort. which means you can do your own and if he wants more ... he can do it.
Backing up files and handling finances aren't the actual problem though; differences in communication are the problem.
Exactly. In the beginning men and women derive a lot fo satisfaction from playing rescuer/ rescued. Women create ... scenarios... situations, we will even call it ...drama to feel connected. They want to have relevance, they want to have that joined team feeling. If you are not giving it to her on your terms, she will try and generate it on hers.
Today's event just happened to be set off by my comment about backing up my file. The catalyst could have been any number of things Yep.
You don't have any context to go on. Since you weren't there, you can't picture what it was like to be in H/bf's shoes. You don't know what was said, how it was said, who said what to whom. All you have to go on is the hearsay Mrs. cac and I provided in our respective sitch's, which isn't enough for you to imagine the scenario with any reliable accuracy
but it was enough for Cobra to generate a brilliant diagnosis?
Ok. Thanks for telling me what is and isnt enough for me to have a feeling.
I guess Im lost on the validity of anyone posting there POV anymore then.
When someone who claims to love me is unnecessarily rude, it makes me irritable. Even more than when a stranger is rude to me, and I'm not too fond of that either.
I agree, and I called H on this behavior a couple of months ago. It was the catalyst for my lightbulb moments and revelations.
I accused H of not extending a courtesy to me, one that he would have extended to S3. When I asked him why he wouldn't extend the courtesy to me, he said he shouldn't have to. I said, "why, because I'm a grown-up?" He said yes.
After talking about it, we both realized that some people think they can say whatever they want to their immediate family--things they would never say to acquaintances. They think the familiarity of their family allows them to be "honest," which really translates to rude. The familiarity gives them license to say whatever they want without concern for the recipient's feelings. H has been on the receiving end of this from his parents for a long time.
I decided that if I was going to expect this courtesy from H, I had to be prepared to extend it to him. This led me to examine by own behavior toward him. It also led me to examine my parenting, which brought H's and my respective FOO issues to the forefront.
You need to create a process that makes your wife COMFORTABLE with herself. Don't focus on what is the best process, focus on what makes her comfortable. If she is happy, you will be happy. I have learned this from handling my mothers finances, the best processes are not always the best for that person. It is more about creating a system that THEY are comfortable with, not us. Keep THEM happy and life tends to be a whole lot better.
After talking about it, we both realized that some people think they can say whatever they want to their immediate family--things they would never say to acquaintances. They think the familiarity of their family allows them to be "honest," which really translates to rude. The familiarity gives them license to say whatever they want without concern for the recipient's feelings. H has been on the receiving end of this from his parents for a long time.
