Please don't take my response as an act of frustration towards you it was towards the situation I'm in.
Don't worry, I didn't. I'm just trying to make sure what you are doing is in line with your goals. Sometimes that means you need to change what you're doing...sometimes it means your goals have changed. The key isn't in what your goal is, it is whether or not what you are doing moves you toward it...whatever that may happen to be. If your goal is still to save your M, then telling your WAW how you see things out of frustration is probably not the best course of action. Better to vent that frustration here on the forum.
You've been at this a year or so which is a long time. I'm only in half that so I understand your frustration...but not fully. You may be at the point where you don't have any more to give (which is part of the reason for my question). I always encourage folks to keep at it as long as they can and want to. But everyone has their limit.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
I'm just confused why she keeps stringing me along while also divorcing me. I don't know what to expect and how to act. I've tried the Alaska approach i.e. don't offer help, be cordial but not overly nice or friendly...she played that game back with me the same way. I've tried the friendly approach like today and she plays that back with me the same way. So what's appropriate? What's right and what's wrong?
Well, it seems clear that she's unsure what she wants. If she knew she wanted back together, she'd have come home by now. If she knew she never wanted you again, the D would have been final months ago (I assume).
There is no right or wrong answer, per se. I think the key for you is moderation. Do some of the "friendly stuff" (as you put it) every now and again, but not every time she asks and keep it reasonable (no two hour lunches...just a normal 40 min. to 1 hr., for example). Be cordial and accomodating to reasonable requests, but don't bend over backwards to make her new life carefree (part of being on your own is dealing with life's harsh realities). Take her calls every now and again, but not every one. Respond to e-mail that needs a response, but not to every one you receive if it's just sharing the details of her life.
I think the important thing to consider is whether or not what you are doing is improving the situation and how it is making you feel. For example, if your "being friendly" is adding to your frustration, making you feel used, or bringing you down, then you need to stop. It's easy to think that being friendly is improving the situation, but if you end up reacting out of frustration because of how it ends up making you feel, in the end it may be counterproductive.
At the bottom line, I suspect (correct me if I'm wrong) you still haven't really carved out a life for yourself apart from your WAW. If that's right, you need to redouble your efforts to do so. With a year of this under your belt, it's time to start making a life for yourself that doesn't include her (apart from dealing with issues related to the care and upbringing of your child).
Personally, I have created a life I could be satisfied living for the rest of my life. My desire isn't to live the rest of my life alone, but I would be OK doing it as things now stand. If you can't say the same, then it's time to do some work.
Oh, one last question. You've been separated for a year or so, but how many months have you really (and I mean truly) been detached?
