I can't thank all of you enough for your words of encouragement! Snodderly you gave me some great advice that I will surely bring to my L...H is a royal lunatic!! I am going to try my best to have no contact with him whatsoever!...I am sure after I laid into him yesterday that he will not be calling for awhile! Had party today for D5 and BIL/SIL came...they even think he is nuts!! I agree having me served at the mall is an all time low...that is what I yelled at him about yesterday...I am not going to mention anything in the papers. I will get to upset and then he wins. I am going to let my L take care of everything...the nerve of him to actually be on vacation! (LOL) I did not sleep at all last night so my WONDERFUL parents took my daughters and kept them overnight for me...I just need quiet. Talk to you all tomorrow...I could not get through this w/o your support!
Get some rest tonight and consider going to your doctor if you continue having trouble sleeping. I had to go get Xanex when my H dropped the bomb. It saved my life.
One of the best pieces of advice I got at the beginning of my ordeal was this. Take care of yourself. It is the best revenge for a spewing H. You see they want to make you feel as bad and low as them. Don't. Eat well, sleep, exercise and look gorgeous. Remember, you did not do anything wrong.
Luv, goal
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
You have good advice to follow. It all sucks and it will for a while. I remember the shock of being served and even now, 7 months later, looking at the suit still hurts. By, the way, I am not D yet. We don't have kids and it is still 7 months in. We have a date ( the 5th one, I hope it sticks) and H just presented me with his offer. Equally as ridiculous as yours. They go for the moon.
I recommend a mediator if you can. My sis couldn't believe my BIL when he offered to take over the house payments and get the equity but she could rent it from him.... nevermind the 2 kids she has full custody of. When the mediator read the offer, she asked my sis to leave the room and my sis listening at the door heard, " Now Mr. L. if you don't remove your head from your ass and put forth a reasonable offer, I can't see anything happening here."
You will be ok. Because of the kids you have more time than you think. The only time these cases go quickly is if you have already reached a settlement before the ct date.
He is loopy. He will be for sometime and he may call you screaming and crying. Hang up. Detaching is the hardest and I am finally really starting to after 18 months. Keep talking to your lawyer but don't be surprised if your H drags this out.
It takes a lot out of you and focusing is hard. Be very careful driving.... distraction is huge. Every time you start to think a negative thought, replace it with a good one. In a while it really works and it helps.
Goodluck
Hey Snodderly.....I post over in Surviving the Big D. New name due to a nosy OW. H is still deep in the tunnel. I am letting go though. 32 days and it should be done.
My husband told me he'd have the papers sent through the mail and then got mad at me for some ridiculous thing and had me served the very next morning. It's a horrible feeling. {{{{Hugs}}}} to you.
Hang in there. It's not over until it's over.... my divorce proceedings lasted six months. Sometimes they don't really know what they are missing until they lose it. And my husband was completely sure he wanted the divorce 100%, and is not someone who changes his mind! I really had to let go of my marriage in order to discover it again. I'm not saying that works for everyone, but sometimes it's a necessary process.
Many {{{{hugs}}}}} to you.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
When my H puts his mind to it...he does it. Quote from him "when I am done I am done" funny thing is he never told me we were having problems to begin with...even when he left he would call and e very friendly...it has gotten so much worse as time goes on. I still can't believe he is making such ludicrious requests...he is not thinking about his children at all. I hope I will feel better when I talk to my L. I have a C appt but not until next Friday....she is wonderful and always knocks sense into me!!! I slept fairly well last night, still not used to sleeping alone. Somedays I think he is going to just show up after work... so much on my plate but I am staying strong for my kids!
Funny thing about this is that I am causing no drama!! H is doing it all...talking poorly about me, blaming me and now the unreasonable requests! His first wife caused major issues...pur H's reputation in the trash. I refuse to do this...why is he doing it to me?? Is it that he can't stand to see me going on day to day in a usual way?? SO SORRY that I have enough maturity to put my children and their needs first!!!! Why did I ever marry such a jerk?????
My husband is a scientist and he never wavers on things either and he was absolutely certain he wanted a divorce too... for a long time! It took a lot of DBing and patience to get him to the point where he even might wonder if he were making the right decision. That was my first goal in DBing, to get him to a point where he might even *consider* that he might be making the wrong choice.
Expect your husband to act like a royal jerk right now. He wants to be able to validate his decision. He may do some really mean ugly things to try and get you mad so he can say, "She's a bitc#, I don't know why I ever married her." My only advice to you is totally take the high road. Think of your husband as some crazy stranger. With anything divorce related just say you need to talk with your attorney and can't discuss it. Beyond that stay pleasant and upbeat. Be an incredible role model of strength and positive attitude towards your kids. Try to see some humor in the crazyness to help you keep up PMA. Tell him that his happiness is most important to you and you hope he finds it and are supporting him (that one used to make my husband really stop and think!). I'd also say the door's open if he ever decides he might want his family back.
Keep in mind this is all a slow SLOW process. Until their anger subsides there's nothing you can do. He has been painting you as a horrible person. Now you need to replace those memories with someone unbelievably friendly, reasonable and nice. It's not easy.
Of course, anything divorce related avoid talking with him about it as much as you can. Get the best attorney ever and know exactly what your entitled to and don't waver on protecting your kids and getting everything they, and you, are entitled to. Even though I was fully intent on making sure legally my kids and I would be okay (hey, I have two special needs kids. My husband was going to FEEL that one if that divorce went through!!!). I also told the attorney I wanted the divorce to go AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE. And I took FOREVER in getting paperwork back.
I was just much too busy GALing and doing fun things with the kids to deal with trivial things like divorce paperwork!!!!
On the negative side, you husband has gone through this before. I have read it's easier for guys who go through one divorce to go through a second. So your job at this point will be to stay positive, be nice as anything in spite of his ugliness, and make sure that if the divorce does go through he can only look back and say, "That woman was a saint. I was an idiot to let her go." My philosophy had been... if that divorce had gone through I really wanted my husband to regret it. I wanted him to someday look back and realize he had made a BIG mistake.
So now it's time to focus on you, become amazing inside and outside. Look incredibly great, lose weight (if you haven't already), get new clothes, make-up, hair extensions, thong underware, push-up bras, etc... And lots of PMA!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I was at the mall with my daughters today and got a call on my cell. It was a sheriff telling me he had my "ticket to freedom"
He was at my house and I wan't there so he told me he would come to the mall... I was served in front of my daughters and I am totally humiliated. Called H and basically told him he is a piece of sh&t!! In my state the plantiff is notified before the defendant gets served...H had promised me he would tell me when papers were coming. Worse yet...the preliminary agreement that H wants is... the house my van me to pay his court/attorney fees keep him on health ins. can't sell anything or damage anything in the house...does he really think I would do that!!!WTF My L is on vacation until Tues....I am sick over this...I guess I didn't feel like it would ever come to this....it has only been 3 months since we seperated! HELP
I know this won't make you feel any better........but here goes. My wife had me served about 6-7 weeks after our seperation, using info she obtained by breaching my trust. I had asked her to watch OUR pets and OUR house while I was on a business trip. She used that time to find out my flight times, get a picture of me to her Lawyer and Server, and had me served in front of my friends/business colleagues at the airport. See?? Scummy behaviour comes in both sexes...and make NO MISTAKE, the way they proceeded was SCUMMY. I've told my ex as much. She had the nerve to say "thanks, that really makes me feel good" As if I SHOULD be apologetic?? Scummy is as scummy does.
alaska, That is awful!! Why when we try to take the high road do they stoop even lower? Is it to try to get us to crack?? I feel like my life is in such turmoil and yet it is another Monday and I have to go to work and get the kids to daycare....I feel like I am in a movie...no Oscar winner for this one!
HOPEFULLY I will see my L tomorrow and he can ease some of my anxiety about all of this...I am really physically ill over this!
