It started innocently enough. This morning I reconciled the checkbook and proceeded to back up my file. Pleased with myself, I told H what I did. Ours is not the typical back-up system involving inserting a disk or CD into a drive. Ours involves H's employer's network.
He has explained it to me many times, but I don't quite get it. I know I don't and the more I fret about not getting it, the more likely I am to not get it. Sometimes I try to avoid discussing this issue with H because we both end up annoyed and at a communication impasse. But I can't avoid it forever because sometimes I need his help. (Yes I understand this is avoidance.) This morning I was feeling good about us and I guess I forgot about my fear.
The problem is that I often use the wrong technical words. I know I do this but I can't help it. I'm not an IT professional and I don't play one on TV. I do the best I can to communicate in IT-speak, but really I'm speaking Japanese to H. He interpreted what I said literally, in this case thinking I was dropping my files in random places all over his network.
I assured him this wasn't the case. I said that I just used the wrong words. He said, "well you said you did that and I got very worried." He has given me HIS password to the entire company network so that I can use this function to back up my files.
It's nice that he trusts me to give me this access, but, honestly I don't want it. I'm afraid to have it. Because you can bet that every couple of months I will use the wrong words and we will repeat this conversation.
So after I calmed down I told him that maybe we should come up with another way to back up my files. I used to use a Zip drive, but that is old technology. I say maybe I should pick up some re-writable CDs. He tells me about some other option that I can't recall now.
I ask him which one of those would be best. He says, "I told you which method is best (using the employer's server) but you don't want to use that." I say, "I am afraid to use it. I am afraid that this will happen again. I know this will happen again. This makes me feel inadequate because I can't remember how it works. Can you understand that? Can you put yourself in my shoes and think of something that makes you feel inadequate and how you want to avoid that thing?" He says no he can't; he can't think of anything that makes him feel inadequate. I tell him I must be married to Mr. Spock.
I try talking more (which I probably shouldn't do, but dang, I don't know what else to do and I'm starting to feel incredibly frustrated and hopeless). I try everything I can think of to help him see my POV. I concede that I understand that it's frustrating to him when I don't use the right words. I say that when he first realizes he doesn't understand me I wish he could say that and then ask me to explain it again. Maybe he could repeat back to me what he is hearing until we both understand. (I didn't tell him that, I just thought of it.) Maybe he did repeat back and I said, "no that's not what I meant." He said, "well that's what you said. Now I'm supposed to be able to interpret your words when you don't say what you mean? How am I supposed to do that?"
He says basically he doesn't know why it has to be so complicated. The system he set up is very simple. I say maybe it is simple, but somehow I end up saying something about it that alarms him. I just want to put us both out of our misery and find another method. Maybe down the road when we've worked on our issues more we can revisit this. But right now it just makes me too nervous. I want a method I feel comfortable with. Then he says that a new method won't solve the problem because I'll still come to him with a problem like I don't know where my disk is, or I can't get the computer to read the files or whatever. I say, "OK, well maybe I need to turn everything over to you and let you do all the backups and then we won't have to worry about it." This is not acceptable to him either.
So we are at an impasse. I told him early on in the argument that he could completely diffuse the situation by coming over, putting his arm around me and telling me we'll work it out. I gave him a couple of opportunities to do that but he withdrew. I said it may be counterintuitive to you, but when this happens, I need you to reach out to me, not shut me out. I am feeling unloved, frustrated, angry, mad, sad, and probably every other emotion there is. He says he is frustrated too.
I also said I thought we should go to MC and he didn't respond. I said I didn't expect it to magically fix our problems. I see a MC as a third-party interpreter, like the Japanese interpreter who helps our new Red Sox pitcher communicate with the team and the fans. I'm very tired of doing this dance and I just want to find a way to fix it. And I can't do it by myself. I'm feeling very frustrated because I'm working to change my attitude and confront my issues but it's not enough.
