New Thread for 2940!!!!

[2940831]

I've been just laying down in our bed for about an hour now - for the first little while overwhelmed with body-wrenching tears... then, silent, quiet thought for the rest of the time...

I am still deep in thought and feel like I've had some sort of outer body experience tonight and feel like I need to get back into my thoughts but wanted to share my night with you. Please give me some feedback.

The friend I went out with tonight is someone I met from taking my pets to the vet a few years ago. She was the veterinarian technician. Unfortunately, I had a pet that got really sick, and I had to take him to the vet at least once a week for months until he finally passed away. So I saw my now friend quite a bit during that time.

After my pet passed away, I don't really remember now how our first contact occurred, but somehow she called me and asked if I wanted to get together for lunch. I remember thinking at the time that it was kind of strange because I didn't really know her that well, but I thought it was a nice gesture. So we've gone out to lunch a few times since then. We are by no means close friends and don't talk on the phone/e-mail or anything. We just get together once every few months for lunch and catch up.

Fast forward to a few months ago... This was I believe when I was DBing after the initial crisis and was working on reconnecting with old friends, etc. I called her to ask her if she wanted to get together to catch up. She said she would but that she was having some serious marital problems, hardly getting any sleep, etc., and wasn't sure if she would be good company right then. I told her I would love to get together with her still, and we did.

She told me about her marital difficulties, and as you know, I didn't say a word about mine. It was so weird to be asking/listening to her difficulties while my own heart was breaking as well. I wanted to support her because I knew and felt her pain first-hand, and I tried to learn from her experiences as well. She told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married and was really having a hard time.

I saw her again in January I believe it was. Everything was going much better in her R, and she seemed so happy and hopeful that everything was going to work out.

So fast forward again to tonight. So we decided we would go out for appetizers and a movie. She offered to look into what movies are playing. I hardly ever go to the movies (maybe once of twice a year) and have absolutely no idea what is playing right now.

So she tells me about a couple of movies she has narrowed it down to, a comedy and another one about the Zodiac killer. She said she was more in the mood for something mindless, so we agreed we'd see the comedy.

We met for appetizers, and I got there a few minutes before her. When I walked into the restaurant, the Daughtry song was on "Over You." Don't know if any of you are familiar with that song, but it talks about getting over someone who has broken your heart. I just got the CD a few weeks ago and love it and have been listening to it a lot. Shivers ran up and down my spine when I heard it on the speakers. I know, just a coincidence, right? But wait...

So the waiter is a young guy but kind of cute. So I purposely am really nice to him and innocently flirtacious - just working on being more outgoing and friendly and fun. He was nice back to us - nothing like he was flirting with us or anything. He was just nice, and I found myself thinking how nice it was to have a man just be NICE to me... Again, nothing big, but wait...

So my friend and I are discussing the movies again and the times, and she says she was looking more into the movies and found another one with Sandra Bullock in it about her husband dying but then she wakes up the next morning and he's not dead and she has to figure out why. That was all she really said about the movie. She said the comedy got a bad review in something she was reading but that it still might be good... So she told me to pick, and I chose the Sandra Bullock movie. It's call Premonition.

So we had a great chat over dinner. I told her about all of the things I'm working on (girls' night, going to Vegas, bowling, etc.) So we talk about her, and she tells me that she and her H have decided to separate - not D yet, but just separate. It took me completely off guard.

She proceeded to tell me how the last few months have been really nice with H and that they have gotten along really well, but she was wanting during these few months to work on building a deeper emotional connection with him, not simply just "get along better" with him. That hasn't happened it sounds like. So they just went on a short few day getaway together, her intent being to make sure she felt like she was making the right decision to split from H.

She said they had a really nice time away but that even so, it solidified in her mind that she wanted a D. She approached H with this, and I guess he was blind-sided. He thought everything was "better" because they have been getting along so much better.

So they talked, and he isn't ready to give up, so they agreed to separate physically for a while and see what happens. He is going to move to another state while she stays here.

So their situation is completely oppostive of H and I, right? She wants to go, he wants to stay... So I'm being supportive and listening to her and also asking questions to help me understand HER frame of mind to maybe also help me with H's frame of mind. Again, just a coincidence? But wait...

She was so calm and at peace when she was telling me about this. I again didn't tell her what is going on with us. I asked her questions about their situation and what had happened to help me learn and understand again and to of course be supportive of her and listen and be a friend. So I found myself thinking that that is exactly what I want with H - to build a deeper emotional connection, to rekindle the passion, that deep love for one another... So by this point I'm starting to feel like this is more than just a coincidence that I am sitting across the table from this person tonight...

So she is also a fairly confident woman, and she was so strong tonight. She didn't seem upset outwardly about what was going on. Again, I'm working on my confidence right now, and I'm hanging out with someone who I feel is confident, not for that reason, but I just find myselt noticing how strong and confident she seems about all of this and just witnessing how she is acting. Again, coincidence? But wait...

So then we go to the movie. I don't know if any of you have seen it, so I don't want to spoil it for you. But if you haven't seen it yet, GO SEE IT! It was like I was looking in on my own life. It was so eerie that I was physically uncomfortable watching it. At first, when I started to get a taste for what it was about, I felt bad for my friend - I was worried that it was going to upset HER and felt bad that I hadn't thought about that before picking this movie from the two. But then I remembered that SHE picked this as a choice and I remembered how strong she seems right now.

So the movie progresses, and then the feelings start not only pouring out for my friend and hoping she is not crawling out of her skin to feeling my own out of body experience. I'm literally thinking, "what is going on here?" If you've seen the movie or if you do see it, believe me, most people on this board will relate to it so much and probably feel as blown away as I was. And she came to dinner tonight with not even having given this movie as a "choice" earlier today, and then I subsequently pick this movie without having any idea what it is "really" about... Coincidence? Not so much anymore...

Again, I don't want to give away the movie, but Sandra talks to a pastor, and they talk about having "faith" in things and Sandra says she's not sure what to "fight" for with her faith. She's struggling with having drifted away from her H and feeling like roommates to fighting for what they used to have. The pastor tells her that "it's never too late for a miracle" referring to whatever she decides to have faith in, it's never too late to believe in it so much that it can happen.

So the end of the movie is a twist of all twists. I won't give it away, but let's just say I was telling myself just to breathe and stay calm... I didn't want to turn into a basket case in front of my friend.

So the movie ends, and we leave, and I cry a bit as we're walking out and she asks me if I'm all right. Well, now I've got to figure out a way to not let her know that I'm about to have a melt down. As I mentioned, I was feeling equally as bad for her and worried that the movie hit too close to home for her right now. So I told her I was worried about her and asked if she was okay. She said she was fine, and wanted to know if *I* was okay. I said yes. She said she is stronger than she lets on... But she lets on being strong...

So I quickly pulled myself together. It was kind of awkward, but I made light conversation as we went back to our cars, and then we parted.

When I knew I was far enough away that there was no possibility of her seeing me, I just started shaking and crying as I drove home.

This whole night is no longer just a string of coincidences... There is something more at work here. I feel so strange that I can't even explain it...

So after I calmed myself down, I just have been thinking and reflecting...

What do I want to fight for? This is the first time I've been honest with myself and not pushed the thought out of my mind that maybe this M isn't the best thing for ME... And that thought scares the hell out of me...

And it's also given me a stronger message than ever that if I do really want this M to work out, I just need to have "faith" in it and want it so much that I have to do all of the right things to get it back, and that a miracle can happen...

So obviously because of my strong conviction in M and my sheer will power to give this everything I can, I feel like I still want to fight (I think???), but I also know we HAVE to build something stronger than we've ever had so that *I* feel fulfilled... When I walked in the door tonight, I got out a piece of paper and wrote on it "It's never too late for a miracle" and taped it to my bathroom mirror...

And once I do decide what I want to fight for, if I just believe in whatever that is and CHOOSE to have faith in it, just like you choose to love or hope, it can come true - it's never too late for a miracle.

So I'm rehashing our whole R since we met now, thinking about the good times and the challenges, thinking about how fulfilled I've been in some ways and how unfulfilled in others and how long that has lasted and whether the unfulfilling things are things that can be fixed and if they can't whether I want to live the rest of my life like that yet believing that anything can be fixed if I just have faith in it...

Further, one of the first times myself and this friend did go out to lunch, she was telling me then that she was having some challenges in her M, but nothing like now, and she asked me for some advice (this was obviously way back before this current situation was occurring with H and me). I remember telling her that one of the best pieces of advice I could offer her was that I truly meant it when I said I would love him forever and that I would never give up and would always fight for our commitment - no matter what. I told her that there obviously is a line that couldn't be crossed, AND I REMEMBER thinking at the time about what I would ever do if H cheated on me...

So I know this sounds so weird, and while I believe in God, I'm not religious per se, but I've prayed more in the last few months than I ever have asking for guidance with this whole thing. And I know it seems strange, but as I said, this just feels like too much to be just a coincidence. I feel like there is some sort of higher power at work here.

Now I'm just struggling with what to do with all of this... I am overwhelmed with both feeling so dang strange with this whole sequence of events to then accepting that it happened to me for a reason and that I have to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from this and get out of it... Regardless of what I decide, I will never forget that "it's never too late for a miracle." If I want H back, I can do it if I have faith and if I can make myself be someone that also makes HIM happy. It's never too late for a miracle...

So you probably all think I've lost my mind, and maybe I have... I feel like I've just been through some sort of life-changing event that will never be forgotten and will forever change me.

What am I supposed to get out of all this? Why is this happening to me?

I've never felt so moved by anything and so powerful and confused all at once...

What does this all mean????

I have to reflect some more now and get some rest... I am in shock and can't believe what has happened to me tonight...

Thanks for listening. I would really appreciate any feedback you guys have...